i hope this is the "bottom"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
i hope this is the "bottom"
3
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 4:16pm

I've posted a little, but mostly I lurk. This wknd was bad so now I must post.

He started picking a fight in front of our 8-year old last night when we met so she could see him for the day (I have her wknd nights and all day Saturday during our separation). She is doing remarkably well, at least from what I can tell, and what she tells me when I ask. Of course she wants us back together, as any kid wants, but she knows we both love her no matter what.

I am going to get the paperwork for filing for divorce this week. Our counseling session for Tuesday was postponed, so I thot we could both go to the courthouse during that time (the counselor suggested that we go together, altho I thot that was a bit odd except we're both "in the know" that way) but DH already scheduled something and said he was too busy the rest of the week. He said I could go get the papers, tho. We're going to do as much as possible lawyer-free, but I don't know how far we will actually get (see below).

I just let him yell at me again for two hours when I dropped DD off at the house. This time he brought up "my boyfriend M", a very good friend of mine, and my "new boyfriend C", who is a new guy at my work who happens to be single who happened to be in my office the evening DH dropped DD off to be with me while DH went to a meeting. There was much, much more in terms of yelling and accusing, but I'm still in shock, I think, so don't remember much. I feel dazed and cold and numb.

Anyway, he asked how this splitting things up would work, and it seems that he wants our daughter and child support and maintenance and the house. I said that if he gets our $120,000 home equity, I don't think he needs maintenance since he has a job, and I would love to have primary custody of our daughter so he wouldn't have to worry about paying for her. (I make more money than he does). He said that I wouldn't be able to raise her right because she would always be in my office, and I retorted that, oh yeah, I forgot, it's better to put her in front of the TV and raise her that way.

So....we didn't get anywhere.

I will see what the papers are all about. Apparently his family has told him he should get a lawyer and be done with it, so I suppose that will be next for him if we can't agree on things. Hopefully the counseling can help us with that, but I don't know. He doesn't really care much for the counselor any more since she didn't "fix me" (i.e., I still want a divorce).

I don't know what I want from you guys, but I feel so CRAPPY and just wanted some encouragement, I guess. I wish that I could just love this man again and stay with him, but I CAN'T. I would not put my kids thru this, or me and him, if I thought I could be his wife forever. I am only 39 and I married him after we got pregnant at age 19 (we were each other's first everything). I have been avoiding my unhappiness with him for years by focusing on my work and kids, but I am tired of that now. I want a husband who I can love and respect, and who lifts me up instead of drags me down. Maybe that doesn't exist, but I at least want to be able to try.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 5:45pm

HUGS! First, do not let him verbally abuse you. There is no way you have to stand for a two-hour verbal tirade. Next time, leave, hang up the phone, etc. These confrontations are just plan BAD for your mental health!

Next, I can totally relate to how you feel. Do NOT let your H bully you into anything financially. I would strongly suggest you see an attorney. I know you wanted the split to be amicable, but that doesn't mean you have to allow yourself to get burned.

I PROMISE you, it does exist. I never thought it was possible, but I found one :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 5:47pm

Hi Genetix,


Welcome to Surviving Divorce.


My first advice is to tell you never take his verbal abuse again. Not for a minute. If its a simple matter of dropping your daugther off for a visit, do so. Make sure she's safely with her father and then leave. Don't turn around even if he yells at you or tries to engage you in an argument. He's just trying to intimidate you and wear you down.


Second, you need a divorce attorney. Get one ASAP. Be sure they have experience in child custody/visitation. Divorce is not about "being fair" or "being nice" it's all out war. So don't expect your STBX to be fair or play fair. It's obvious the way you describe his behavior toward you that he's not going to be. So don't expect it. You also need someone who can be objective about your situation. A good divorce attorney can inform you of your rights and responsibilities. Your Ex can't dictate the ultimate terms, but he's trying to intimidate you with the verbal abuse. And you don't have to take it.


Come here as often as you like. Keep us posted.


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 11:49am
Hello, I am new to ivillage and to divorce, but I can identify with your post. Im not so sure I have any good advice..lol... but I know what you are feeling. I told my husband 2 months ago that I wanted a divorce and he left shortly after that. I felt great for few weeks, refreshed relieved and hopeful. Then about 3 days ago, it hit me that I am responsible for blowing this family apart in search of my own happiness. I also dated and married my husband very young, (married within 5 months of hello) without dating or falling in love. I also had a daughter already and so we were instant family. Its been 12 years and I just have this overwhelming feeling like i cant live without love anymore. I need to feel comfortable with who I am with and not have to pretend to be someone Im not. Its when i look at my boys that I feel like a monster. I have started to think if i could just take him back and make it work, find a way to love him, but deep down I know these things cant be forced. They are either there or they arent and its never been there with him. I decided to look online for support as alot of my friends have surprizingly taken his side. Because he is not an abuser, drinker or anything, I guess Im seen as wrong for wanting more. But they dont see how I feel inside when Im around him. I guess it even puzzles me, hes not a bad guy. And i know he has a good heart. I dont know why I cant feel what i need to feel for him. So this is where the depression sets it I guess. Id love to find out whats next, becuase I never expected to feel this bad about something I wanted so much. Anyway, granted theres no advice for you here, just thought Id put my experience out there since it seems to be alot like yours. Hope your feeling alittle better-Molly