I hope he likes it ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
I hope he likes it ...
4
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 9:57am

Hell, for that matter I Hope I like it, but if he doesn't like it I'm back at square one.

In a few minutes I'm leaving to go look at a mothers day out program for my son. My ex was supposed to meet me there, but he doesn't have a way to get there, and he insists that he see it, and that I not fill out any paperwork until he does, and then when I do fill out paperwork he wants to see it (he's worried I'm going to put my 18 year old brother on the acceptable people to pick him up, and he doesn't want that). He started saying "I know how you are" .. "I insist that I see it, and agree to it before any paperwork is filled out" and I kept saying OK but he kept saying "Well I know how you are"... We have joint legal custody (which is why he's making such a big damn deal about this!), but I have sole physical.

Oh boy, I just wish ... hell i don't know what I wish, but I just wish I didn't have to deal with him, and him trying to make things so difficult.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 10:04am
Big HUGS and let us know how it goes.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 11:05am
Well, I liked it. I liked it a lot. I met with the director, and one of his teachers. It was a nice place. She told me their schedule, and I'm very happy with it. I know he'll find something wrong with it though. Ugh.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 11:24am

I'm glad you liked it. I think the best approach with him is to not let him know you like it. He could not like it just to spite you. Instead tell him you had some questions and got all your questions answered, and you are looking forward to finding out what he thinks. Everyone likes to know their opinion matters, and especially when it comes to their own children. Tell him you want to know what he thinks and whatever his opinion is, you want to talk about it so you can make a decision together. Then try. Listen to his objections and try to avoid getting defensive (which will be a challenge since you do like it) and let him know you appreciate his perspective. Then if you talk and you can't agree, let him know joint legal custody means you make these kinds of decisions together, but if you can't agree then you'll have to go to court and ask a stranger to decide for you. Don't get angry if he doesn't like it. Do let him know if he has knowledge of another program you'd be happy to explore that option as well. And then if you can't agree, just say well, I guess someone else will have to decide for us. He isn't going to want that any more than you do, but if he's not going to work with you he'll have to face that he's not going to be making the decisions all on his own no matter what he does. What he wants is to make you mad or have you let him make the decision himself, but you don't have to give him either of those things.

My ex and I agree on most things when it comes to dd, but when we were looking for a new preschool for her I didn't get my hopes up that he'd like the same place I liked. I would make little comments about places I didn't like along the lines of "I'm not sure about this or that, I'll reserve judgement until I see the other places" and when I found the place that I knew was 100% the best place for dd, I didn't jump up and down with excitement, I said "There are lots of things I did like about this place, what do you think" and then I talked about his comments first before revealing my opinion. Then I carefully said "I like this more than the other places for x,y,z reasons" and thankfully he agreed. Once I knew he liked that place better, then I felt safer saying why I felt this was a really good choice to make. I think he was more willing to say how he really felt because he didn't know my mind was already made up. I kept him from getting defensive by not getting defensive myself. I'm not saying this will work with your child's father, but sometimes I just like to go on and on and on about what has worked for me in the hopes it helps someone else.

Good luck.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 12:12pm
Well, I'd certainly leave it up to him to go there, himself, to check it out.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~