I just don't get it...
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I just don't get it...
| Mon, 08-08-2005 - 9:39am |
I haven't been here in a while, but I will be formally divorced 8/30 after 25 years together, he has girlfriend, booze and midlife crisis. He pays nothing, doesn't call, doesn't get with kids (19 + 20), doesn't care about any of his stuff in the house. Left and is just gone. He calls sometimes drunk saying he's miserable, but that only tears me up and gives me that piece of hope that I don't need. I still want my marriage, him and this is killing me. I know I'll get thru cause everyone says I will but I don't understand how.
I changed jobs, got a second one and still have to live off my mom for housepayment and some bills. How sad at 44.
I don't know why I can't get mad enough to hate him and move on. I don't know why he can still pull at my heart. I don't know why I want continue to remember the good times, and him as he was many years ago. He says he cares but then acts like we don't exist.
Where do I get the strength, the patience, the heart to keep going? I am thankful to God for what I do have, but I guess I'm pretty selfish to want the only thing I can't have. It hurts so bad to be the only one in our little family that he doesn't love. :(
thanks for listening.
N
I changed jobs, got a second one and still have to live off my mom for housepayment and some bills. How sad at 44.
I don't know why I can't get mad enough to hate him and move on. I don't know why he can still pull at my heart. I don't know why I want continue to remember the good times, and him as he was many years ago. He says he cares but then acts like we don't exist.
Where do I get the strength, the patience, the heart to keep going? I am thankful to God for what I do have, but I guess I'm pretty selfish to want the only thing I can't have. It hurts so bad to be the only one in our little family that he doesn't love. :(
thanks for listening.
N

Hugs to you :) I know it's hard.
How long have you been separated?
My parents went through a separation after 28 years. My father left her for his girlfriend. My mother was heartbroken. ( rightfully so ) I couldn't understand why she couldn't get mad and hate him. She wanted him back and fought hard to keep him. I don't think she hates him to this day. I just didn't get it. ( I am an only child )
Until 2 years later when my husband left me. I was only married 6 months but we were together for almost 7 years and we had one son and I was pregnant at the time he left ( with our second child ) My world came crashing down. I was MISERABLE, I cried everyday and I hated myself and my world. I was so sad and wanted him back so badly.
I guess the turning point for me was realizing that he is NOT the person I married. I wanted to be married, I didn't want him the way he is now. The person I fell in love with, the person that I bonded to was gone the day he left me out of nowhere. I had to learn to separate the 2 things. Could that be why your hurting? Do you love the idea of being married and are afraid of what the unknown future brings? I would start by separating the 2 things. Write down the reasons you "miss him". I bet they all start with "I don't wanna live alone" "I don't wanna be poor".... things like that. I bet you can't find one quality that you fell in love with 25 years ago.
Then, that's when you get mad as hell. Why? because the man that loved you disappeared for some unknown reason. That man "died' in a sense and left you and your children. GET ANGRY. Be mad that the man that you married could change, just like that, and the man that you married could put you and your children through this. Get mad, go ahead, it's ok! It sucks to be put where you are after ALL THESE years.
It took me 2 years to get mad enough to stop feeling for him. We have been separated for just over 2 years. Divorced for 8 months. It takes time. Find reasons to get mad and stick to em!
Hugs sweetie,
Angelena
My other problem is control. I hate that this is all out of my control. I don't want it, I can't fix it and now I can't deal with anything. No he wasn't perfect, but neither was I. A long time ago 20 years, or so, I questioned his drinking. I figured I had to stop "partying" and grow up and he should have too. But no, I was the problem, I just didn't want him to have fun. Then I guess that's how we got here. I was responsable and had to carry the weight of discipline and order for the house hold while he worked and went out with the boys. He used to ask me, but I stopped wanting to do that. Now I wish I'd never grown up. Why do I have to face all the music and he doesn't and never has.
On and on I can go but it gets me nowhere. Of course I'm angry when he's in contact but when he's not I'm so sad I can't function. My girlfriend points out that of course he doesn't want to come round, or call because all I do is point out all the bad stuff he's doing and has done.
I tried the Divorce buster web site and book, but all that seems to do is give me false hope. I don't know what to do. Everyone says take care of my self, but what is that? How am I supposed to just pick up and create a new life? And why, since the one I already thought I had was a failure? What is the point?
N