i just flipped out

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
i just flipped out
9
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 2:57pm

i have really lost my grip today-i'm going to tell you what a psycho i just acted like, please don't start to hate me...
i emailed my husband today to see if he was going to be at my prenatal appt tomorrow, he's been going to all of them but i didn't know if that had changed now that he has officially asked for a divorce. he didn't write me back but he called me while i was with my therapist so i called him back on my way back to work. he told me that this weekend he has to go to alaska for work and he can't take our son, so he wants him all next weekend. (usually, our son stays with him saturday nights, and he's only been moved out for a month, husband keeps flaking so he's stayed away from me 2 nights. this is not somethng i am used to yet)
well i flipped out... i don't believe he is going to alaska (for work anyway)...he is a mortgage broker for crying out loud, licensed in Colorado not Alaska. it really doesn't matter, i do not know why i freaked out. it scares me that i got so angry with him...part of it definitely is that i am tired of him changing plans on my son all the time, and part of it is that i'm not ready to spend an entire weekend without my son next weekend. i am not sure he is ready to do without me but he'll probably be better than i will. regardless, with the baby coming it's probably good for him to get practice with a little bit of extended time away from me.

i told him all the ugly things that i usually keep to myself. i mean every single one of them, but i have never really seen the point of sharing them with him before. they are just nasty thoughts about him and the kind of person he has become...his lack of priorities, acting like he is 21 instead of a 30 year old man with a child and another one on the way etc etc. i am so embarrased and like i said really kind of scared of my loss of control on the phone today. i know that i can't control how selfish he is, the only thing i can control is the kind of mom i am and the kind of person i am, i can't believe i just let loose like that. i feel like an ass.

the thing is, i don't trust him. i know that he works with people who have serious drug habits, and i'm worried that he is doing them too. i don't trust him not to badmouth me in front of our son....and damn it. i don't know. i don't know why it upset me so much.
i'd like to blame it on pregnant hormones and being emotional after a therapy session but that seems like the easy way out.

i should have just hung up the phone when i realized i was starting to freak. usually i can talk myself down instead of getting into an ugly fight. but i just couldn't stop today. i hate feeling so out of control and psycho.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
In reply to: nflfan
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 3:09pm

Take it from someone who knows..... it's the horemones and your own feelings that make a sometimes "lethal" combination.


When I was pregnant I used email quite a bit. After I had the baby I re-read those things and NONE of them made sense. I jumped down his throat for seemingly EVERYTHING. I mean, I was nuts. I felt nuts.


I know what it's like not to trust. My way was, trust it until you get reason not to. Take each situation as it's own. There is no sense in harming yourself or your baby because you "think" something else is going on. Is it hard? Yes, but it is doable.


I am so sorry that anyone has to go through this, especially being pregnant. If I can get through it, anyone can..... remember EVERYTHING happens for a reason.


Take care and many hugs to you sweetie.


Angelena



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: nflfan
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 3:10pm
Big hugs to you. I don't know any person who has never flown off the handle. You are human. I'm sorry to hear you are at such a diificult stretch of the road. There are plenty of good times ahead, so hang in there and remember that stress is an enemy to expectant ladies. It is unbelievably unfair that men have the option of never growing up, if they so choose.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: nflfan
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 3:21pm

It probably was the pregnancy hormones. It is okay. You might be better now after having that release. What did he say to all your ranting?

I don't think it matters if you trust him or if you are afraid he will make bad choices, if he hasn't made bad choices and you don't have evidence that he is, you need to let him have more time with his child. Why is it that he only has one weekend night per week? Is that his choice? Your child must need more time with his dad than that. If he won't take it, you are going to end up with all the responsibility and all the resentment, and he gets to be fun dad with no responsibility at all. The worst part is your children will grow up without many memories of time with dad, and that is not good.

I think you have to accept that spending the weekend away from your child is okay. How old is your son? The best way for his dad to take responsibility is to have as much time with your son as possible.

I hate being away from my dd every other week, but I look at it this way. She is benefiting by having a close bond with her dad. It is not sad for her to be with him, she needs that time. If I had retained all the parenting responsibility, she would be losing a lot and my ex would be off having a fun time while I had no adult life whatsoever. Not that you will be out doing a lot with a baby on the way, of course. If he can't make a visit with your son for whatever reason, he should be able to make up that time. It sucks if he's lying about the reason, but I know my ex and I change our schedule sometimes and it just can't be avoided.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
In reply to: nflfan
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 3:35pm

hi there-
i totally agree with you, it's always hard on me thinking about my son being gone but i know it's best for him...my dad was not around ever and it messed me up for a long time. so i'm always ok once he is out the door, because he's so happy to see his dad. and i have a chance to get some rest, do some housework, and have more time and energy for him when he gets home.
the limited contact is my husband's idea, not mine. he has him T and TH nights from 6-8 and then one weekend night per week. before he moved out, he saw his son even less than that, so for him it feels like an improvement. he just won't commit to more time than that. and you're right...i get stuck with trying to make him eat vegetables, and giving him baths (i love to do it, little boy is in an i hate baths phase so it's not a fun time right now) etc etc, because i am the primary caregiver. i'm ok with that, i just resent not being able to buy him a happy meal every now and again because that is all he eats when he's with his dad.
he is 3, he'll be 4 at the end of June.

thanks to all of your for your support, and not making me feel like a freak. i need to remember to hang up the phone, or not call until i am in a better place, because i am just not dealing to well with the husband right now at all. and no matter how much i am hurting, he doesn't need to have me flipping out on him. nobody really deserves to be talked to that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: nflfan
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 3:52pm

You are going to be fine. Pregnancy hormones can do crazy things to you. Keep encouraging him to take extra time with his son when the opportunity presents, maybe him having his son for the whole weekend will help some. My ex was like that when my baby was little. Then when she was around 1 things got nutty at work and had to start working lots more overtime. My ex hated the overtime but when I offered to get a different job he didn't want to lose out on the money! What happened though is that extra time he had 1 on 1 with his child helped him feel more confident about being a parent, and dd was able to depend on him doing things for him a little more, he saw she needed him, and he ended up being a pretty good dad. He doesn't always make the same choices I would make, but he would never not be there for her becuase he couldn't stand to disappoint her. My dd had just turned 3 when we separated (and is going to be 5 this summer). At the time we separated he was terrified most of losing his place in her life, and he is still afraid of that. It's really hard to assure him, even now after having 50/50 custody since Sept 03, that I won't move away and take her from him.

I think some absent fathers just don't realize how much their children need them (my ex felt this way the first year of dd's life), they've never had to do bathtime and feedings and waking in the middle of the night so they assume they are not needed, and that they don't matter. But they do. My father was not around either and I know how important it is that my dd have time with her dad. Hopefully over time your ex will see he needs to step up to the plate, and as long as you are willing to let go of a little control over parenting, they could end up having a stronger bond than they do now.

One thing I have seen over and over on these boards is that if he is changing plans and missing time with his child(ren), make him break the news to your son. When he realizes how stupid his explanation sounds and hears the hurt in his son's voice, he might not be so quick to cancel next time. I think it is a good sign that he asked to have the whole weekend the following weekend. Did you end up agreeing to that?

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
In reply to: nflfan
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 4:09pm
you are so right on the money about everything you just wrote. he used to be a really involved dad, in fact was a SAHD until last summer when he took the job he has now. part of why i am so upset with him is that he took this job and his priorities changed big time. and it hurts me for my son to see him going from being top of the totem pole to midway down. but my husband is also starting to realize the impact it has on our son, and i think you're right that it is a good sign that he wanted the whole next weekend. i agreed to it right away, i just wasn't nice about it, and now i feel even worse, because i don't want him to feel like i would ever try and keep them from seeing each other.
i sent him an email sort of apologizing. i guess the best i can do from now on is to bite my tongue. i don't want him stressing that i would use our son as a bargaining tool. i did tell him once in an email to print the email out and keep it with him...that i know he is a good dad and that keeping their relationship strong is important to me. i have to remember that even though he is treating me with very little respect, he wants the best for our son just like i do.
and I LOVE your suggestion to have him break the news to our son. i am going to have him do that, i'm tired of either waiting until the last minute to tell little boy what is going on (in case it changes) or being the bearer of bad news. that is an excellent idea.
thank you so so much and also for telling me about your situation too. i dont feel so helpless when i know im not alone.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: nflfan
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 8:02pm

I haven't read the other posts, so forgive me if I repeat everything everyone else has already said ;^).

You are not psycho!! I don't know your entire situation, but it doesnt' sound like you've been one to open up and say how you feel. He's divorcing you, it's about time he hear what a jerk he is!

As far as him bad mouthing you to your son, as painful as that may be it may also be completely out of your control. Let your son make his mind up about his dad on his own, kids are smart!

Hang in there!

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
In reply to: nflfan
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 3:08pm
Melanie
thank you so much for what you said and your support... i appreciate it alot. you're so right, i can only control the kind of mom and i am the kind of person i am. i have to focus on doing those two things very well.
hugs to you
bridget
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
In reply to: nflfan
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 7:25pm

It sounds like you may be like me and have trouble expressing anger....? I hate being angry with people I love and who are important to me. In fact, it doesn't even matter what they do! (Yes, I'm thinking about x right now who does not deserve my calmness or niceness.) I have discovered that I've always turned anger in instead and it slowly builds up in the form of a depression. There are good and beneficial ways to release anger. I haven't gotten a grip on them yet, but I hope to soon.

Keep posting and vent here all you want!