I just need to let this out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
I just need to let this out.
6
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 8:59am
Well I have been officially divorced for over a year now. I still have strong feelings for my ex that don't seem to be subsiding. I even asked him if he would go on a date with me. He said he would. How do I take this? I want him to come home so badly. I don't want to make the same mistake and suffocate him. He isn't dating very much and when he does I become incredibly jealous. I know we could work this out if he would just come home. It is killing my children. I did something this week that I swore I would never do. I went to the doctor and got a diet pill (phentermine). After 4 pills I had lost 6#. I want to lose it even faster. I am using the pills as a way to change my behavior. I am exercising a little everyday and watching portions. My doctor will only give me the pills for 3mo. I hope I can form new habits in that time. My ex always wanted me thinner. Maybe this will help turn his head. If not maybe someone elses. I am dying of loneliness. No one has called or even looked at me in the year and a half I have been alone. I don't know that I really want someone too. I am still pining over my ex. Won't I be a fun date. I live in such a small town and there aren't any men. We know everyone business and those that are single are single of a reason. How do I fight the loneliness? I try to keep myself busy, but evening are really tough. Everyone keeps telling me "You have your boys. You aren't alone." They don't seem to understand it's not the same. I am craving intimacy. I miss having someone I can talk too. Thanks for the vent. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 9:15am

Brenda, glad you popped in to join us!



I would ask him! Does he see this as a friendly gesture, or something more? You don't want to get your hopes up and read into it too much. I wouldn't want to see you feel more hurt or let down.



As long as you're under a dr's supervision and are taking the pills correctly, modifying your diet and exercise....that's OK. But to lose it faster? No way. PLEASE follow the dr's directions. You can develop serious health complications from losing weight too fast or taking too many diet pills. So be careful.



I do understand that. And sometimes, the old answers of, "take a class, join a club, etc." aren't always financially feasible, or don't fit in with a custody schedule. I do have a suggestion, though. You mentioned you've started exercising. Have you thought about the possibility of joining an inexpensive gym? You'll get your exercise, you can go more on the weeks you don't have your boys, and you'll be around other people. When I'm at the gym, I rarely ever talk to anyone, but it feels good to know I'm around others! But I totally understand if it's not in the budget for you.


Last but not least.....have you had a conversation with your ex about the possibility of getting back together? Is it a real option in his eyes?


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 10:09am
Thanks Christine! I wish i could join a gym but the only one in town is $40 a month and I just don't have it. I can barely afford the pills. I am robbing my saving to do that. I keep thinking something will come my way. Maybe next years tax refund could go to pay for a year at the gym. I'll have to see how much is left after i fix the rotting bathroom floor. I am trying not to get my hopes up to much. I wish I felt I could wait 3months to ask him out and get a little of this weight off. Then maybe I would feel better about me. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 11:08am

hey brenda

i am sorry for your pain - but i am going to be a little blunt. (i don't want to offend you so please accept my apologies upfront).

I have been struggling with my weight for a while, as a matter of fact - at different times in my life i was quite overwieght and its a struggle. i was 'chubby' as a kid, then i lost a ton of weight and was normal weight for many years. now i gained alot of weight in the last few years and its a real struggle. so - i know what you are going thru. but the thing is - you can't lose weight for someone else. i'm sure you know this, deep down. you can't lose weight for someone else, or for some 'thing' (like a HS reunion or something). it doesn't work - and its the wrong way to go. I really don't believe in diet pills - to me, its like substituting one obession/addiction to another, without solving the real issue. ( i don't care if a MD gave them to you or not - i don't trust those things). by all means - get set on a normal and healthy eating and exercise plan. if you can't afford to join a gym - then jog arround the block, or find a public swimming pool. i have joined a gym - even tho i coldn't afford it either - i decided to cut out on food, i stopped eating bread almost completely (i was spending alot of money because i was buying special healthy breads), cut out chicken and fish excet for once a week, and i eat mostly beans, lentils, whole grains, and fresh vegetables, and a small amount of dairy products - i spend much less money on food and use that money toward the gym.

why did you get divorced in the first place - and have those issues been resolved? are you sure that you are still in love with him - or is it just hard for you to move on? have you gone to therapy to deal with this?

if you are lonely - and i totally undrestand you - then you need to take control of your life. i have no money either, btw, but there are plenty of things that you can do - that will help you move on. try new things: maybe there is some course you always wanted to take, like art or origami or something. maybe you can join a hiking club, or volunteer at a soup kitchen. you will meet all kind of interesting people - people who are interested in the same things you are. maybe if your life was more full - you would feel less inclined to hook up with your ex.

And i don't mean to burst your bubble - but its possible that your ex willl just think that you are intersted in sex. remember that guys are different from us in these matters - to them sex is just sex, we alwasy read more into this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 3:57pm
Hello Sk, Thanks for the response. I am using the pills to get me started losing again. I have hit a plauteau for the last 6 months. My all time high is 296#. Last Friday I weighed 252#. I only intend to use the pills for 3 months. Just enogh time to get myself back on track. I have come along way, but I have another 120# to go and I just can't do it alone. Thanks for being concerned. I am losing the weight for me. I am just hoping to have the side effect of getting my ex husband back. I do love him. We got divorced because 3 1/2 years ago I got really sick (depression) and I was really awful to him. I treated him that way for two years and he went in search of support elsewhere. I didn't know that at the time of the divorce. I have only known about OW since April (I think). I had heard the rumors around town, but when i asked him he said no. He came clean after she went back to her husband and broke his heart. He had really fallen for her. She is in an abusive marriage and was looking for a way out. My husband was looking for a friend and it happened. He kissed her the first part of Feburary. His concience got to him and he served me papers on March 4, 2005. He did not sleep with her until we were separated. He thought he was in love with her and he thought she loved him. Now he doesn't know. My ex has been my best friend for over 20 years. I have been in love with him all that time until I got sick. Then I was a real b44ch. After two years of therapy I realized that I did love my husband and family. That was December of 2004. I didn't get the chance to show him. I had already lost him. I feel like I have ruined it for my children. I have lost my soul mate. I am so empty inside without him. The sky is no longer blue. I find no joy in the simple things because he is gone. He was my knight in shining armour and I screwed it up. The thing is I don't want anyone else. I fought so hard to get to this place when I was sick and now that I am here he is gone. I wish I could explain it better. I am sorry this is so lengthy. I have forgiven my ex. Now all I have to do is get him to forgive me and most of all figure out how to forgive myself. Thanks for your concern. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 10:23pm

Brenda...

It is good to see you again... I think of you often and hope that you're doing well... I am struggling with my weight right now, myself... I'm as heavy as I was when my xh and I separated now... and I lost 30 pounds due to not eating/severe emotional distress during the first two months of my separation... I was hoping to keep them off, but...

I just want you to know that you're not the only one and that I'm proud of you for losing the weight that you have so far! I've been looking into various things like weight watchers and other things, but for one reason or another, I am having trouble committing to something to help me lose the weight...

If I were in your shoes and felt that waiting a couple of months before asking xh on a date would help my self confidence, I would do it... but I would keep it light and fun... do dinner and a movie or something like that... or putt putt... something that will keep you laughing... I would really caution you against getting your hopes up... this could go either way, as you know, but hopefully by being relaxed you can have an enjoyable time together and focus on the present... not on the past and not on the future...

Take care of yourself...

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 1:35pm
Thanks Julie! Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda