I just want a 2nd chance with my wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2006
I just want a 2nd chance with my wife
16
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 10:47pm

I'm on the 5th month of a heartbreaking separation. It was sparked by a 3-month affair she was having. I took 50% of the blame. I was comfortable in our 14yr marriage and just took her for granted. What makes it so hard for me to accept is I was actually working on our marriage when this occurred. I felt the last 3 months before the affair were the best in our 14 yrs. Additionally, she was the most spritual christian I knew and a social butterfly with many Godly friends. I was mediocre at best. The affair was a wakeup call and I realized my mistakes and that I truly love her and want to atleast try to work things out. We also have 2 preteens at stake.

She has completely changed personally. She has rejected all of her christian friends and now associates with people she used to call lost souls. She drinks (for the first time)and goes out clubbing. She says she hates me and the thought of being with me makes her sick. She immediately got a presciption for Zoloft for a year! She doesnt want counciling or mediation or anything. She just wants a townhouse all by herself and the kids 50-50. This is a women that I cussed at maybe 3 times in our 14Yrs of marriage. I just cant get over the fact that she won't even try even for the sake of the kids. I am so regretful, shocked, bitter, devastated, sad, and hurt. I'll i really want is some hope... or a success story or something positive....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 2:04am

You know what? Your children NEED YOU. It sounds like neither of you were faultless in your marriage - but she is not acting as a responsible mother. Please dont give up your kids. Please stop feeling guilty. Whats done is done. Now you need to pick yourself up & dust yourself off (i know, easier said than done!) for your kids. Im sorry its so hard. Its got to be devestating to still be in love & be "left". But the woman who left you is NOT the woman you loved. Hang in there, it gets better. & your kids will be fine. A new house is NOTHINg compared with the stability of having their Dad.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 12:41pm

I didn't realize she didn't communicate it. That isn't fair. I have very clearly communicated this. Which my husband agrees, but yet still insists he didn't realize it was going to end up in divorce if things didn't change.

As far as validating the divorce, it's not that he wants me back that I say is validating. It's that if you went through the list of the things we've discussed need to change he hasn't changed and throughout the divorce process he proves he never will.

For example, financial decisions and responsibility is left to me. Anything he leaves to me he criticizes me when the task is complete that I didn't do it correctly and ridicules me about it. So I don't want to turn around when it's time to retire and have him in my face because we didn't meet his goals when he never participated in a decision! So during our "trying" phase he wrote checks and didn't tell me and checks I wrote for home equity, mortgage, and insurance were going to bounce. I ran around all week trying to transfer funds to cover these expenses and he refused to help. He just shrugged and said we have no money in the account don't know what to do. Wouldn't that be his golden opportunity to step up to the plate and help out? Now, during the divorce, he refuses to read the divorce papers and expects me to guide him through the entire process. So I consult an attorney to help me through the process especially knowing he's not going to participate and now he's ridiculing me for using an attorney and angry that I'm spending that money. I can never win! So that's the validation.

And if we went through the list of issues I can site another example of how he's being his usual self, but insisting he's changing for every single item. He just doesn't get it and I'm too exhausted to be the keeper anymore. I'm only 34 and have the chance to possibly find true happiness with someone who wants to participate in life with me not be another child for me to raise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2006
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 1:11pm

Yeah, it looks like he didn't have his moment of enlightenment like I did. I wonder if my wife had spoken up before hand that I would have "seen the light" like I did when I caught her in lie.

My wife did the bills and scheduling. I was away sometimes when I was in the military and after that I worked nightshift most of the time. Just months before, I volunteered to take over the finances to help her out but she freaked out and said I was trying to control her. It seemed unusual at the time but it didnt dawn on me there was a big problem looming....

Apathy is a terrible cancer. We were both wrapped up in our jobs and ourselves. I regret all of it and I still love her so much.

Thanks for your view. I hope things work out for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 2:51pm

I guess I kind of am giving him a second chance because we are living apart for up to 10 months so that the counselor can teach him how to control his anger. (He doesn't hit me, but he says mean things, hits walls, and is generally scary...) He wants to show me that he can change. I have not filed for divorce and I am not in a hurry to do so. However, I do want to be sure that his changes are real (mine too, as I work too much and need to fix that, but I just absolutely LOVE my job!!) before jumping back in.

A question for you: if your wife came back to you after all this and you guys worked through this and put all the nasties behind you, at least as best as you could, wouldn't there always be this nagging thought in the back of your mind that some day, it could happen again? I wonder that sometimes, you know, how he would trust that I wouldn't one day just say, screw it, only this time for real. Or he may do the same thing to me given how close we had been to divorce. Just wondering since I found my "man perspective" in you. (Sorry for using you like this...you can refuse to answer if you'd like...)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2006
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 5:17pm
I wouldnt want a 2nd chance if she wasnt sincerely into reconciliation or lacked any repent. I really believe that love is cyclic. It peaks and it wanes. That includes any relation that any of us have now or in the future. Same for our love for God and love for our kids and families. I wasnt working through the peaks and neither was she. If we made an effort to work together I believe great things could happen. I (and her Christians friends) would welcome her back like the prodigal son. If she was behind me with my business interest we could have that BMW convertible she wanted, or she could be a stay at home mom. If the love and forgiveness is there, worrying about future fidelity and trust should not even be an issue. Atleast thats the dream I dream...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 7:56pm
I have to believe with faith all things are possible. I am watching God change my ex husband right before my eyes, but he is fighting it. Keep the faith. Pray for God's will. He may very well have a better plan for us. I am trying to lay down the dream and just rely on God. He has taken wonderful care of me so far. All my needs are being met.
I know it's hard, but do lose the faith.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

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