I keep throwing fits!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
I keep throwing fits!!
18
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 4:27am
I keep going between the stages of acceptance and then denial and begging him to stay and saying bad things about the other woman. He is living here as we cant afford two households
The more I throw fits the more he hates me. Why am I doing this? He does not want to stop the divorce. I know he isnt good for me why cant I get over it and move on with my life?
Why do I have these fits of complete despair and tears and then fits of anger? This isnt like me at all!!
What can I say to myself to heal and stop this insanity?
any suggestions are welcome!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 7:29am
Hi Dolly,
I am sure that its really hard to do right now, but instead of focusing on the here and now...what if you start thinking about your future. Dating maybe and how nice it will
be to feel alive and wanted again. I haven't read alot of your posts sorta new here but I think I have the general info. I'm in a very tough place right now and just lurking mostly to get the courage to leave but I feel for you and just know that you will be happier in the long run!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-1999
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 8:58am

what you are going through is totally normal, I felt the same way. I would feel so silly after wards, I would rationalize it and then think, I am not 3, I can't throw a fit to get my way. I hated the way I felt!
The worst part is my X would just look at me with this blank stare like I was a freak and he couldn't figure out what was wrong with me...he wouldn't fight back...made me so much more irritated!

I am starting to go to a support group through divorcecare.com-it starts tomorrow, I hope I can find the tools to help me step past this since I have to learn to except it!

Cheers,


Ruthann

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 9:03am
Hey Dolly, I have been where you are now. I have even gotten down on my knees and begged him. I promise you it does get better in time. The best piece of advice I can give you is stop begging. I know how hard that will be. If you want him to ever come home you'll have to. It makes you more appealing. Use this time to work on you. I have done little things. I have lost 77#. I have gained the confidence to know I am going to be all right. I am taking care of me for once. It is so hard once we devote ourselves to our families to do anything else, but it will help. Dr James Dobson has written a book I recommend. It's called "Love Must Be Tough". Check it out. You might find some useful advice in it. As far as the fits go, bite your tongue. I have to literally do this. My tongue and cheeks are sore. I have to think about everything that comes out of my mouth not only when dealing with my ex, but with everyone. It's amazing to me how the helplessness and hopelessness has spilled into the rest of my life. You can do this. Somehow we have to reinvent ourselves. You need to find an activity to distract you. I sit here at the computer a lot and I listen to a lot of music. We will make it. I will say a prayer for you. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 10:04am

Dolly, you need to take some control. You started to when you kicked him out, but you've lost that ground by letting him come back. Why are you clinging so desperately to a man who has zero respect for you, is cheating on you, and has told you he loves someone else? You have to know there are some good things about living without him since you've divorced him two other times.

PLEASE find someone to help you. It's just my opinion, but it seems like you're trapped in a very unhealthy, dysfunctional state and have been there for so long that you don't know how to break out of it. There are so many good things out there for you if you'd just let go. There is peace, independence, and the opportunity for new relationships, but you first have to stop what you are doing now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 2:36pm
Dolly I have to agree with gwen. Until you realize that this relationship is TOXIC you will stay in the same situation because that is what you choose. It is hard yes after being with someone and devoting all of yourself and soul to them it is going to be hard to move on. Nothing in life is easy but we have a choice to make our own lives easier and you choose to stay in this marriage so you must deal with the issues he brings you. If it didn't work the first or second time and its obviously not working the third time then I would say maybe move on and try something else. Sorry to sound so harsh but you did not even give your self time to breath your own air before you let him back in AGAIN. As I stated before! I just wish you the best life you allow your self to have. There is so much out there and your not giving yourself the chance to see it. Good luck to you.... Were here
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 3:39pm
Thanks all of you!! Wow you are so right! And I like the part about bite my tongue. That is what I am going to have to do. I woke up this a.m. ...and (before I read your replies) The first thing that came to my mind was Oh I know how they are communicating! Through voice mail! So I took his phone again and looked for messages of course he deletes them as they come in. I didnt really throw a fit and got over it fast. I could change his voice mail password on the net as the cell phone is in my name but I dont think I will do that at this point. What difference does it make? He replied to my email and said he had never hoped anything bad for me and knew I would get through this and probably be happier without him.
duh
well I know what you mean about we must look to them. all we do is push them away with our ugly scenarios. Yesterday he told me I looked like the devil himself! ouch
And I probably did ........
I realise that I am certainly not the only one going through these crazy days and putting our soul on the table for all to see.
Thanks so much!! all of you for being there!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 3:47pm

Dolly,

Just as when someone we loves dies, their are stages of grief in divorce. Your feelings are perfectly normal! Maybe not for you, not for the you who you were before this all started, but it is for someone going through divorce. Unfortunately, you have to feel all of this, and work through it. I know that's not easy to accept, especially when you're in the middle of it, and want it to stop. Try not to beat yourself up too badly. You're perfectly normal!!

As for your comments about the other woman, remember this . . . HE brought that situation upon you. You have every right to be angry. You are projecting your anger at him. That's where it should lie.

When my divorce first started, a good friend explained it to me like this. "This is the most h@#$acious roller coaster ride you will ever take!" She'd gone through a horrible divorce, and explained to me that the person that I was before the divorce started wasn't the person that I am going to be. She told me to work on myself, and the way that I deal with things one day, sometimes one minute at a time. She told me to give myself permission to feel, to grieve, to grow. She also told me to take care of myself physically because I would need that physical strength to get me through when my emotional stores were being depleted. Trust me, this is the best advice that I received during my divorce. I cannot thank her enough.

Take care,
Laurene

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 3:54pm
I must do that..........just watch everything that comes out of my mouth !! I do have lots of work to do I work at home, and I do have many hobbies and pastimes, I sew, paint, sculpt, build dollhouses. I just must stop thinking about this , and stop being such a baby about the rejections.
What has happened has happened. there is no turning back. I need to re design my own life
I do appreciate all of you! soooooooo very much! Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 6:53pm
Hi Brenda Oh thanks for the help. I think I did that years ago when we divorced once. got on my knees and begged. I felt so bad afterward. I think I have been doing that again only not in the physical sense.
I have been trying the bite my tongue today. and yes my tongue is already a little sore. Oh I will be thinking about that instead of him and the divorce.
I wouldnt want to stop it anyway now, as what good would it do. He is still here at the house until we can afford two households. the OW lives 400 miles away and is married. but their love affair has made them act like little children. hiding the cell phone, sneaking the eamils in when I am still in bed.
I told her to stay away from my husband but she hasnt. isnt that strange lol
We didnt have the best marriage so I will get over the way I am acting. I do still hate the OW for intruding and she disgusts me cause she is married and sneaking this dirty little secret of hers away from her H.
well I too have lost weight. I have lost 20 lbs. And I bought the most beautiful black satin gown n robe and even went to Jo Anns and got more black lace and added it. Its a knockout. And I will wear it for him tonight and you know the rest. At least that gives me a little comfort knowing he is my bed not hers.
I know most say dont do that but heck we have been making love for almost 30 years and I am not ready to find another man to get into my bed LOL
contgratulations on your weight loss. WOW 77 lbs!! that is awesome! good for you!
Keep up the good work!! I hope I can do as well. Even if the divorce is best to go throug with now and Even if I dont want to find another man maybe I can at least make him think fondly of the woman he gave away. And will keep me in practice for the REAL THING!
I am a romantic at heart!
I am impressed at your weight loss and how you are handling this!! You go girl!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 6:59pm
Gwen I know you are right. I cant afford therapy and have to rely on digging my knowledge out of my subconcious from all the self help books I have read. I need to get some of the new ones on divorce like Uncoupling etc.
These boards are my help right now. And I am "biting my tongue" today. And thinking of going on a real date with a man who respects me. I need to practice how to act LOL
But I will be ok I know. I think I am just doing the Acceptance Avoidance thing ie the "Go Away ,NO Come Here"
I will keep checking in and just listening to everyones stories makes me realise that I am not alone and that there is support out there!!

Pages