I keep throwing fits!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
I keep throwing fits!!
18
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 4:27am
I keep going between the stages of acceptance and then denial and begging him to stay and saying bad things about the other woman. He is living here as we cant afford two households
The more I throw fits the more he hates me. Why am I doing this? He does not want to stop the divorce. I know he isnt good for me why cant I get over it and move on with my life?
Why do I have these fits of complete despair and tears and then fits of anger? This isnt like me at all!!
What can I say to myself to heal and stop this insanity?
any suggestions are welcome!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 9:05pm

Just HUGS, Dolly!

I can deal and then my stbx says or does something at outrages me and I can lose it (although not always). He sent me a condescending email about learning to manage my anger today ... omg!!!

Honey, you sound so much like my dear dear sister who keeps taking her fellah back (he answered the phone when I called this week).

I don't know how to help either of you except to tell you ... believe in yourself and let me go and then go find other people who can mirror back to you how incredibly wonderful you are--either through a class or support group or book club or volunteer activity or church!!

Other people will help you rediscover your value *without* him!

God bless, my dear and stay with us!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 1:44am

Thank you M I know I am into this obsession big time. We made incredible love tonight........and I wonder can she do as well I know I should not do this but we have been together 30 years and how do you stop. when you know what they need and how to please them what do you do? Plus you are incredibly lonely with her lurking in the shadows.
I hope all OW realise that the wife knows him incredibly well and how to please him and you are going to be second best in many areas I bet.
well thats just mho

I know what you mean.. how they say or do one thing and it sends you into a rage. I think at least for today and I hope for days to come that he I admit he is gone at least emotionally but the OW will never ever know how to please him in alot of ways and he will be thinking about his W when he is with you. so there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 10:36am

Dolly, I really wish there was something I, or someone else here could say to you that would help you get past what you are holding on to.

Does it really matter if you are still having great sex with him? So he uses you to get off, and then goes and calls the OW. What kind of victory is this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 11:28am
I feel so bad for you dolly. You are in the situation where you are obsessed with your husband. You say you made passionate love well maybe you did because he might have been thinking you were the other women or at least what he thinks she looks like. Like gwen said he uses you then goes and talks to the other woman. Gee I wonder if he tells her he just had sex with you. If he says he doesn't love you dolly then it can't be making love my dear it is simply sex because we as humans need it every so often. I notice that you simply step over the messages that are telling you the truth and only reply to the ones that sound like they agree with what you are doing. I am sorry I am of the female gender and as a woman I hate to see other being treated with such disgrace and not respected as a woman at all so I am going to speak my mind and not try and hide what is seen by so many that you need therapy and need to get out of this situation before it kills you. You say you do crafts and work in your home well get to working so you can be self sufficent and not use the excuse that you need him to support you because he will have to do that living with you or not. I think that is just a ploy to keep him there. This is a sad situation but again it is your situation. I am leaving the board because it is just too sad to read what you are letting this man do to you! Have a good life or as good as you let it be. I might get blasted but at least I have been there and am past it because I respected myself too much to deal with the BS........
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 5:09pm
Oh no I dont really think it is a victory ......maybe I am using him too. He knows I may put a stop to this anytime.
He has stopped calling her.........he says. and it doesnt show on our verizon page. she has verizon too so it was free for them. ugh
Perhaps they are emailing? I dont know.
I know that parts of me are hanging on.........that has been established. I spose having sex with him just keeps me addicted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 5:24pm
Hey no problem. I probably shouldnt have said passionate love........I should have said passionate sex but was trying to be modest I guess on the board. lol
I do remember answering alot of the posts that told me how I was being .......and that I wasnt treating myself well.
I may have missed some if so I am sorry. I realise everyone has their opinion and ways of dealing with things.
I am sure you are right. I am letting him walk all over me because he said he doesnt love me
and I have sex with him but he doesnt push it on me. it was my idea simply of a sexual nature. and yes it is wrong ....it only makes the healing take longer or ha slows it getting off the ground I am sure.
He honestly doesnt have the money right now to pay for two places he works construction so he doesnt know where he is going on this next job so if he straps us both by renting an apartment then goes across state he wont have the money to rent one there. and perhaps would get socked with a lease here. that he cant use. so there is alot more to the story than has met the eye.
I am sorry that my situation makes you sad. But dont leave the board. goodness because one person is not living up to what you think a woman deserves. I am sure I am not the only one on here doing that. Perhaps you meant you are leaving the Thread and not the Board?
From what I have read and studied alot of the things I have been going through are perfectly normal in this situation so I do still have hope for myself.
I read stories about women who's husbands just walk off , leave them and the kids and dont even care if they have enough money to survive.
yes it hurts that he doesnt love me but I do need to respect him for not walking off in the middle of the night with no groceries in the house. yes it is in the divorce papers that he is to support me for three months but if it isnt there he cant. yes I need to get to work.........I have started on some things. if I would contribute yes he could rent a room while he waits to go on the next job ..........
Hang in there kiddo. Try not to let others sad situations affect you. I do hear what you have to say and I do appreciate it. we need to just offer our help and do the best we can to help others. and realise we dont know the entire situation so cant judge.
I do believe I deserve more respect. And I will get it from someone else should I get into a new relationship. but as you said right now I need to get my tush to work.
have a great day .......dollyfrocks
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 6:08pm

Dolly,

PLEASE listen to Gwen's consistent smart advice, she's one of the most wisest supporters within this network (reminds me of KBach, but i don't know what happened to her??). anyhow, please visit the Divorce Care website & sign up for the daily emails (a link at the bottom of their homepage) as inspiration and reality checks. they will truly help you through your process; the emails have done wonders for me! http://www.divorcecare.org/

yes, we have our good daze and our not so good daze while navigating the overwhelming pain and disappointment of divorce, but i hate to see someone like you with so much promise, just totally lose yourself to someone who's undeserving. you really need some physical support right now, through a group, spiritual avenue, or professional counseling.

your pain and denial have to begin making a 180-degree turn soon. think of your children & the role model you'd like them to emulate as a woman, please do this for us, who are here to help you ...

hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 10:16pm
whoops!


Edited 1/25/2007 7:05 am ET by dollyfrocks

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