I LOST IT COMPLETELY
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| Fri, 04-29-2005 - 4:17pm |
Oh God.
I had broke down yesterday afternoon with my ex. When he dropped the baby off we talked a bit. He shared how his life is just upside down right now, he doesnt have a dime to his name etc. and we ended on a neutral, caring note. We hugged when he left and that was that. He called when he got home, we talked a bit more. This morning he picked up the baby, and while at my house his little chick called, but I held it together, didnt say anything. We left, I walked away no hug, no kiss nothing. Yeah for me.
Here comes the problem. Im getting my hair done tomorrow, it takes about 6 hours, he offered to take the baby. I didnt ask. So im thinking great. He said he could even drop me off at my sister's house when he gets the baby. Then just now he calls me and says he cant pick him up in the morning b/c he has to do something. Meanwhile this morning when he was on the phone with her I heard him saying so I'll just do it in the morning etc.
I began getting upset but said nothing. Then I made the mistake of saying so now you dont want to take him because you have to do something for her - he said does it matter. So trying to hold it together I said what time will you pick him up, he says be prepared b/c I may not be getting him at all. I lost it. He starts saying its my fault if he says he cant get him I should just leave it at that ask no questions. I say stuff to make him mad etc. Then he tells me he's helping someone move and they are gonna pay him b/c he needs money that's why he might not get him. So if that's all it was why not just say that from the beginning.
Maybe its partly my fauld b/c he gets close to me then pulls away. He goes back and forth. But for as much as I despise him taking the baby and being with her what hurts is as soon as we seem to make some progress, getting a bit closer, he just screws it up, gets an attitude. I can be there when he needs but it's like he just uses me for his convenience and can't be there for me when I want. How can he be so inconsiderate to my feelings knowing that I care for him. Why cant he do the same for me?
So we began arguing and then he tells me he has to go, I heard him say something to someone. He was all in a huff and said I'll call you back and hung up. By that time I was furious because it was like he was just dismissing me like a child or something and I called him back and I could hear the b@#$ch giggling in the background and I just wanted some acknowledgment, some decency, some kindness like: Is it okay if we talk about this later without an attitude or hostility in his voice. And he says still in a huff I have to call you back, I have to call you back, Im in the middle of a conversation and I was calling his name saying dont do this and he just hung up.
I waited a while called him back knowing he wouldnt answer which was what i wanted and left him a message telling him how dare he treat me like this, like my feelings dont matter and that he uses me until she comes around and once she's there Im of no use to him so I told him since being around her matters so much then stay around her and stay away from me and hung up. God what a fool I am. I let him get to me again and I dont know why.
It's just so hard, me and him shared over 5 yrs together, have a child, I did everything for him, loved him with all my heart, love him still and he can behave like none of that mattered. She's been in his life for a FEW MONTHS and she is his everything! He can show me she's important, tell me what he cant do because he doesnt want to upset her etc but cant show her I'm important, that I was a big part of his life. How does he do that.

"he gets close to me then pulls away... as soon as we seem to make some progress, getting a bit closer, he just screws it up... I can be there when he needs but it's like he just uses me for his convenience and can't be there for me when I want. How can he be so inconsiderate to my feelings knowing that I care for him."
No wonder you are hurting, your thoughts sound so confused. It sure sounds like you are saying that you want to have a very close, loving relationship with your Ex, even though he has a girlfriend. If you still have feelings for him, then you may not recover from the break up for many MANY years, if ever, unless you take a break and learn to live happily without him.
There is a time for friendship, after a breakup. But that time doesn't come until both sides have healed, and no longer crave each other romantically.
This totally sounds like something out of my life when my H first left me. I can't even believe how similar this is.
My
It's so hard. I can be on top of the world and strong one day and then just torn down the next. Our stories are so so similiar in many ways. Thank you so much. He just seems to be pure evil when she's around I made a second post. With something awful he said to me and he was with her and she was in the background saying "im getting a headache" because he was yelling during some of the argument. How dare she. Then tomorrow he'll want to take our son around her. They are both so disrespectful to me. How do they do that
If you remember my post yesterday about sinking down to her level? This "girl" has emailed me naked pictures of the two of them, told me things like while he was with me he was screwing her in our Jeep, had a friend call me from her cell phone playing audio of the two of them having sex ( no Im not joking ) I mean the list goes on and on.
And him, well he went so far as to deny getting groceries for pregnant me and our son in order to spend time with her. I felt AWFUL. I had to literally beg for groceries. Luckily I had really great neighbors!
They aren't thinking. She, well, she will always hate you, even though she doesnt know you. It's because you have something that she doesn't. You were married to her "boyfriend". You have history. She is a child, she won't last long, trust me. Sounds like he is just not into stability. Why else would he want to be with a child? Oh right, he is thinking with his 3rd leg. That's right, I forgot. There is no other reason to be with a 20 year old at our age than some sick twisted sexual thing. Just the thought of it makes me ill.
I know what you mean. It's hard, I still have bad days sometimes and it will be 2 years in July since he left us. The good news is, it will get better. You really have to make the first move though. You have to do what's best for you and leaving the 2 of them alone is step number one.
Forget them! They suck ;)
Hugs to you and if you need me, I am here.
Angelena