I messed up, ex is angry

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
I messed up, ex is angry
6
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 6:47am

Ok I messed up, I admit it. I had the kids this weekend and he was supposed to come and pick them up at 8:00 pm Sunday night. Well earlier in the day our son had been asked to spend the night with his buddy. I said to call his father and ask first. Well JD called and the cell phone was turned off (he does that when he's at his GF's). Anyway the ex turns up at 8:00 pm and the other kids tell him JD is spending the night at his buddy's.

I get this phone call about an hour and a half later (9:30-ish) blasting me for allowing JD to go. I told him that I did have him try and call the cell and it was turned off. Dead silence on the other end while he trying to one up me.

I honestly didn't think it would be a problem to let the kid go. I mean he was picking him up almost in time for bed and usually it isn't a problem when they are at a friend's house. I figured it would give him someone to hang out with the next day because we both had to work. Usually the ex doesn't even come down to the house to get him on weeknights and I usually come home from work to find him watching TV and having himself a burger.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 7:14am

woooooooooooooooah!


First of all.. I think you did the right thing.


If you didn't allow your son to go, he would resent the fact that he couldn't go because of his father. That would be BAD for the future.


The problem is that when the kids are old enough to make their own decisions our ex's will see what this in and out, inconsistent, non communicative relationship is doing to the children.


Your ex is not mad at you, he is defending himself because his son chose someone else over him.


Don't blame yourself for this, he had his cell phone OFF when your son tried to call him so you had no choice but to make the decision for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 9:05am

My ex hasn't been around as much because his GF lives about 45 minutes away. He usually heads straight over there after I pick them up. I've been offering to take them on Friday nights and he hasn't complained at all. I think he does have some guilt issues about feeling conflicted between his new GF and the kids. I have honestly been enjoying having more time with the kids and Friday nights have always been a fun night.

I seem to get blasted after he picks up the kids. When he's out of town it's wonderful. He accused me of being a "martyr" because I have the kids all day on Tuesdays and Fridays and work three 12 hour shifts. I think he's jealous of the time I have with them and how I've been surviving on my own without him. His GF's kids don't want him around and are giving him a hard time so he ends up back home alone during the time he could have had his kids. And of course he blames me when he has to stay in town to take our youngest to daycare three mornings a week and feed them dinner 3 evenings a week.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 10:15am

of course he blames you, I mean it is your fault, right? NOT!


I hate those sort of blame games. My ex does the same thing and maybe in the beginning I did it too. I guess it just takes time. Soon he will be over the anger and resentment he feels towards himself.


Hugs to you and take care of yourself :)


Angelena






iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 3:06pm
Well what he's most upset about and punishes me about on a daily basis is my work schedule. He HATES it. He says his life revolves around it. I'm a nurse and I work in THE best paying hospital in the state and I work rare weekends and holidays and I'll be damned if I'm going to leave it to take a low paying office job just to please him! Worst of all is his girlfriend "can't keep the kids' schedules straight because of my work hours". Screw her too. She has a good paying job and is a single mom and should know better than to diss a mom trying to support her kids. oh well. Thank God for therapy and these boards.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 3:23pm

Amen and here's to "it's not your problem!" it's his, he has to worry about it...


The biggest thing was separating my problems from his, I think we both are doing a good job of separating that now. It takes time, but it will happen :)


Hugs,


Angelena






iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 3:34pm
Ugggggggg I can't wait for that day to come. I just want to live my life. I'm so happy being on my own and so tired of walking on eggshells. I've learned to rely on my mother to "fill in the gaps" when I need help and that has done wonders. He sees my mom here helping out and it's changed his tune quite a bit.