I need advice!
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| Wed, 01-18-2006 - 1:55pm |
I'm not divorced or separated yet, but thinking strongly about it. We seem to be arguing all the time, mostly about who does what. DH is a stay at home Dad after getting laid off over 4 years ago. I work full time, just returned from maternity leave. We have a 2 month old baby in addition to two boys, 5 and 7. I'm tired of the arguing. I feel like every time I have to ask him to do something, it's a big imposition. He feels I'm using him as a slave, but I can't do a lot of stuff, because I'm working and I'm feeling more and more resentful. It goes round and round.
Anyways, I'll be the one to move out. DH bought our house with the money from a house he owned before we were married. I barely have a dime to my name. He says he'll never leave his house. I don't want a huge battle over it. I just want to be able to rent a house that I can live in with the kids, sharing custody. But the mortgage is in both our names; I'm the primary borrower, since I'm the one with a job. (DH used the money from his house, as I said, and he has a lot of money in funds that contribute to our support.) My question is, will I be able to rent if I have a mortgage in my name? Should I look into getting my name off the mortgage? I don't think I can, as DH has no job and so won't qualify to be the primary borrower. I'm so confused and scared. I feel like I've dug myself into a huge hole, from which I can never come out.
Any advice is appreciated; I don't really want anything from DH except support for the kids. But I do need a place to live.
Thanks.

Are you sure you're ready to throw in the towel? Adjusting to having a new family member and returning to work is never easy - even in the best of marriages.
That said, my STBX has had no problems renting even though his name is still on our mortgage. I will be refinancing and he will recieve a portion of the equity. It has been fairly painless financially for us to set up two households instead of one ONLY because:
1. We both work full-time.
2. When we bought our house we intentionally bought one that we could afford with only one income because I was hoping to be a SAHM for a while instead of the breadwinner (obviously had to bury that dream).
3. I'm still driving the little car I bought in college which is now 11 years old.
4. We had a lot of "fluff" in our joint budget. For example STBX liked to buy the kids $60 pairs of shoes when $15 pairs will do. He used to buy coffee out every day, a lot of fast food, and tried to hide $200+ cell phone bills from calling his GF, etc.
I can understand not wanting a huge battle and not wanting the kids to have to get used to two new homes right away, but please take care to not sacrifice your long-term financial well being. It won't be good for your children if they have to worry about you when they are older.
Unfortunately the only way for you to get your name off the mortgage is for you to sell or for your H to refinance. It sounds like you would be entitled to some of the equity. If you don't get your name off the mortgage and your H can not pay the mortgage for any reason you will either have to take over the mortgage or have it ruin your credit.
Do you have copies of the information regarding the funds your H has money invested in?
I don't know what you mean by "a lot of money", but I wouldn't be surprised if H seeked child support and/or alimony from you. Is he able to work? Have you talked to an attorney or tried to draft your own monthly budget yet?
Hi, I'm no expert (just came to this board yesterday!), but the general rule of law in divorces is that the assets are split equally (unless you and he signed a prenuptial agreement). It doesn't matter who was the primary borrower and who wasn't. Therefore you each get "half" the house. So either you keep the house and give him half of what it's worth, or you two sell the house and split the proceeds evenly. The same is true of your other assets.
I don't know how near you are to divorce, or if you've left other options open, but it sounds to me as if your husband could be depressed over not being in the workforce now. Men are notorious for not dealing with that well. If he is leaving all the housework and chores for you when you get home from work, that's of course going to send you into crazyland mad. I would definitely consider counseling if there are issues you think can be worked out. Anything to take some of the stress of working full-time and running a home off of you.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I am not sure how long he has been a stay at home dad - but when I was working and my ex was not, he got real cranky, like I was stripping him of his manhood. I think he may be depressed. and taking direction from you about what he should be doing is probaly putting fuel on the fire. It is like they are mad that they are not the breadwinners, and we are the target for their anger - even though we are supporting them. I think he has some issues with feeling un-masculine. atleast that is what happened in my case. I know this sounds "dear abby"ish, but before you close the door on this marriage, maybe you two would benefit from marriage counselling or maybe he would.
Even when my ex walked out of counselling saying he would not attend. i stayed and it helped me to get through all the stages. I wish you the best.