I need Advice, New and Very Sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2005
I need Advice, New and Very Sad
4
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 10:20am
I'll try and make this as short as possible. I have been posting on the betrayed spouse board for awhile. 5 years ago my husband admitted to an affair, he ended it when I gave him an ultimatum and we ended up working things out and staying togehter..though I never was able to heal the hurt. We have been together now 20 years..2 kids at home. He had been acting strange the past few weeks and I didn't know why..until I found an email that said Hey you, its me Amanda..I saw his reply that said "Is this the Amanda that I met last summer at the hotel?" (He works at a hotel resort)
The email bounced back as undeliverable (He has fessed up to all this, that is how I know)
SO..he went to the desk clerk and asked that they look up her mailing address and wrote her a letter saying he didn't mean to blow her off, but that her email didn't work..and gave her his contact info to contact him again etc.
He seemed to have no clue that this should be unacceptable to me and says he didn't do so much as hold her hand..but come on..that is cheating. Going out of your way to contact another woman behind his wife's back is CHEATING.
When I called him on it he became cruel and pretty much told me that he felt forced into our marriage 20 years ago because i was pregnant, and resented the fact he never got to "pick" his own wife..and that if he had, it would not have been me. NICE.
The fun part is, he and the kids and I have resevations away for Xmas..and I can't ruin the holiday for them I have to somehow put on a happy face and get through 4 days with this man..but when I get back I am filing for a seperation.
Does anyone know what that entails? I have called 3-4 atty offices who all have like a 1500 dollar retainer. We have a low income group here by me but they don't handle divorce so I don't know quite what i am going to do yet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 10:58am
hello there, Im sorry things are so sad for you....Doesnt it just stink to dread the holidays??? Thats something thats bothering me alot right now too. Just want it over with. As far as separation, I dont know how things are in your state, but in mine (Washington) the "do it yourself" filing for separation costs the same as filing for divorce, and it said on the website that 95 % of people go on to file for divorce anyway. Thats what made me just decided to file for divorce and get it over with. Not drag it out with a separation. In my humble opinion, filing separation is a way to keep legal and financial things in order while maintaining a shred of hope that things can be worked out and maybe going to counciling. Thats something only you and he can decide. One thing i will advise tho, and i wish i had known this, is to get a therapist or councilor lined up for yourself NOW....even if you dont feel you need it..I also initated my divorce, and felt great for a few weeks, (its been almost 4 months) and then it really became so hard to deal with on my own. Now im scrambling to find outlets for my anger, frustration and saddness, and i use this board alot...if i had any insurance, your dang skippy i would be in a therapist office once a week at least..Anyway, hope this helps and good luck with the holidays...i know how hard it can be to put on that smile (the fake forties housewife smile, i call it) I did it for years...it stinks...but i also know we do it for our kids, not ourselves and certainly not him....I will be doing it too...christmas eve and christmas. Thru all this, i try to look forward for the day that i will smile for myself, simply because i am happy..I know it will come because other sweet people on this board have told me so, and i cling to that....good luck to you
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 4:24am
oh my baerbaer....I just posted a long post and my situation is much like yours!
You bet that is cheating. its almost worse then having sex with a woman because they are giving of themselves emotionally. you betcha its cheating. your husband sounds like he thinks of you the same way mine does of me. Mine stayed I guess for the sex and the children and to verbally and emotionally abuse me.
I dont know about the cost. we found an attorney who will do an uncontested divorce for 500 but we are in Idaho.
why dont you just get a divorce? you can in some states go to like whats called a law shop or legal shop and get the papers done for like 200 in Idaho and that includes the cost of the filing fee. you could ask around in your area for offices that will type these up for you. we did it the first two times we got divorce and had no problems but it was a little stressful as if we had done something wrong it would been thrown out.
what state do you live in? perhaps someone on this board would know of a cheaper way to do this. This time I made HIM get an attorney and I said it will be uncontested because YOU are going to put what I want on there. so all they have to do is get them made, I go down to the office to sign them so we dont have to have a sheriff serve them then they go before a judge and if they look ok then he signs them. we dont even have to go to court!
hang in there kiddo. YOU will be ok!! go and read my story and you will see you are not alone!
I know what you mean about xmas. I refuse to tell my mom n sis until after xmas. mom is 84 and does not deserve to have her xmas damaged ! but its hard to not have many to talk to I know. We are going to fake it through xmas. my daughter says she may lose and I said you cant cause your step daughter will be there and irrational adult behaviour is not what she needs to see! She said well then I will wait till her mom picks her up.
I wish I had no dragged her into this. I didn t want her to hate her dad!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 1:24pm
Hi,
I know what your going through! I'm still in the process of getting my divorce also! The man that I was married to altho was real abusive emotionaly,phiscally, but It just hurts me worse that we have a 3 year old daughter that he refuses to let me see! ive tried everything i can do to even see her except the fact to go to court, I havent seen her since 2001!!!(she wa 14 mon. old at the time!) but I have a boyfreind now and everything's great except for THAT fact! I am fixin to file for divorce this next year sometime, (we are on a really tight budget) and In your case well all depends in what state that you live in! in north carolina (this is the way I'm doing it) you can call this number and the atty will send you divorce papers to sign, and when you send the papers back be sure to incude the $235.00 for him to file for you! and soon he will send papers for the EX to sign,(it doesnt matter if he signs them or not they have ways of working around that!) and soon he will file them for you and you dont even have to go to court! but thats the way i would do it in your case also because you have a few kids and you dont want alot of controversy that involves the kids to! and In my case I do plan on getting full cusody of my daughter it will just have to take some time because I dont have the money to do anything with it right now! Am I doing something wrong to try to get cusody of my daughter? Is there anyone with some sudgestions and/or advise for me to take on this matter at well?? and I wish you all the luck in the world because men can be pigs at times if you know what i mean!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 7:32pm
Call attorneys and ask them if they have a consultation fee.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit