I need custody advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
I need custody advice
5
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 7:07pm

My Ex-Husband wants to keep me from making an in-state move (Just over 100 miles). When we were divorced it was stated in the decree that it was anticipated I would move when I finished school. I just notified him of my intentions to move and now he is saying that I am unfit and he wants full custody of the kids. Two things...first I am not unfit to raise my children in any manner, I have always been the one that they live with - and if I am unfit then whey is he waiting until now instead of doing something about it before now. Second, I don't have a lot of money to pay for an attorney. I am at the end of my school carrer and financial aid and child support are all I have as income. Can I ask - since this is obviously out of retaliation because I am moving and that since he has known for several years that I would eventually move - for him to pay for my attorney fees? What are the chances in Oklahoma, or any state for that matter, that a judge would award a father custody when the mother, who has always had the kids, has no marks against her? His hopes on getting custody are based on the past few months that he has actually attempted to take an interest in the kids lives and also based on lies (Lies like he has had the kids at least two nights a week for the past three years. NOT TRUE. He has kept the kids one night a week only for the last semester when I was doing clinicals late, to top off that I cannot even begin to add up all the weekends that he was supposed to have the kids that he didn't take them because he had tickets to a concert, or he was taking his girlfriend on vacation, etc.) ...can a few months of interest make up for several years of nothing? He has always paid the child support that he is ordered to pay, but earlier this year he stopped paying the alimony that he is still supposed to be paying. Please help. When I sit down and think about it all rationally I know that I should have nothing to worry about. But, when it comes to matters like this what else can you do except worry until it is over and you have your babies with you where they belong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 8:39pm

The first thing you should do is find an attorney that will give you a free consultation. Bring your agreement with you and find out what it would cost and what your legal rights are. It is possible the agreement says you have to notify him so that he has an opportunity to contest it, it is also possible the agreement says you've both already agreed to the move. You need a legal opinion on this.

Secondly, him contesting your move and him seeking full custody are two completely different things. To keep you from moving, he has to show he's an important part of the children's lives and that the relationship would be damaged by him moving. You will need to show it is in the children's best interests to move. It can go either way. Cases like this are not predictable. Sometimes CP's with tons of good reasons to move are denied, sometimes the most involved, loving NCP has to face his child moving far away. It's all up to the judge and his/her gut feeling after all the evidence is presented. An attorney could give you a sense how judges in your area tend to rule or if there are any recent cases that could give you an idea of what to expect.

To get full custody he will need lots of evidence. What you have to do right now is start protecting yourself. You need to document everything. How often he takes the children, and what happens when they are in your care. If they have a good day, note it. If he misses a visit, note it, and note the reason he gives. Dates, times and facts, no emotions or opinions. Note when the children have a bath. Note when they learn something new. Note when they go to the doctor and what the doctor said, and keep a copy of the health record to show they are in good health. Start compiling as much evidence as you can that while in your care, the children are happy, healthy and well cared for. If he says you don't keep the children clean, you pull out your records showing dates and times of baths. If he says they aren't well fed, pull out copies of doctors records. Have enough evidence that you can counter any false claim he could make. If this ends up in court, you should ask for a guardian ad litem (GAL) which is an attorney for the children. The GAL will scrutinize both of you, but usually can see who is telling a tale and who is really caring for the children.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 12:54am
Thank you so much for your reply. What he has done is file to get a restraining order to keep me from taking my kids out of the county. He is asking that if the order is not granted for him to get temporary custody until the court date later this summer, that he has filed to go for full custody. I do have an attorney and he seems to think that I have nothing to worry about, but it is just so scary to even think about the possibility of losing my babies. I have kept some documentation, but not what I should have been. Until now even though I have known it was something he might try to do, I just didn't think that he would put the kids through it and I guess just wanted to think the best of him. The gloves are off now if this does go further. I am hoping that my attorney can just simply go into court and say that this is obviously out of retaliation, that he has anticipated this move for years and ask that the case be thrown out. But if it does go further I have many character witnesses for myself and many that will testify that he is not that great of a father and his interest in the kids has just recently become more as my school is coming to an end. Some of the things that he has done in the past are pretty questionable, domestic abuse with a past live in girlfriend - where cops were called out to his house, having my oldest son serve alcohol at a party he had - where his friends were calling my son "beer b!tch", not attending any parent teacher conference for the past years, not taking summer visitations...until this year which he just notified me of, I would be the one to take the kids to their extracurricular activities even on his weekends because he could not find the time, etc. He is not a good man and the family that he touts he wants to keep the kids here to be around are suspicious at best...brother with possession arrests, mother who has filed for multiple bankruptcies and complains about watching the kids. I just hope and pray that he is not able to buy his way through this like he does everything else in his life. Thanks, again for your response. Casey
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 9:02am
From all you have said, it sounds like you have a really good case. Keep us updated on how it's going.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 11:07am
Not sure of what your state's laws are but here in Indiana if you are making a move greater than 100 miles, you have to file a notice with the court - not with your ex. The court will then notify your ex of the intention to move. My attorney explained that many people misunderstand the purpose of doing this. The courts will RARELY make any custody changes based solely on the custodial parent wanting to move. Instead the court will re-evaluate the visitation schedule to see if any changes need to be made. For example, every other weekend visitation may no longer be possible so the court may implement having the non-custodial parent get the kids for all school holidays and summer vacations.
She said the only time she has ever even heard of a judge giving custody to the non-custodial parent is when it was blatantly obvious that the move was only an attempt by the custodial parent to sever the relationship between the kids and the non-custodial parent. And even then she said that other factors are usually present as well which have led the judge to change custody - ex. custodial parent not allowing the non-custodial parent to have visitation, a history of bashing of the other parent to the kids, etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 4:53pm
I will keep you all advised of what happens. Thank you for your responses. They help keep me positive. This is they type of thing that you would hear about on TV if he did get custody...Rogue judge awards custody to Father because Mother was not able to stay home with kids...hopefully that does not happen. The court date is set in 10 days. I will keep you all posted if my attorney has anything new to say to me when we meet (Ex does not even know that I have an attorney - ha ha) or I will let you know what is determined in court. Thanks again! Casey