I need friendly advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
I need friendly advice please
8
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 8:06pm

Let me just start by saying I was basically married...

I was with the X for 6 years and we share 2 kids together.

He left me this past october and since then, we have had a strange relationship. We have been having sex all along...until about 3 weeks ago....I am now done. He has had several girlfriends and I know he has had several sex partners. I know I was stupid for still sleeping with him.

My problem is lately he is giving me all these excuses as why he can't get the kids. When in reality he just wants his new girlfriend all to himself. Not to mention she is 18 or 19 and he is 25. Why does a 19 yr old want to date a man with 2 kids?????

So he was my best friend and or course my lover. We had our issues as any couple does. There has been times he has told me that he misses me and wants to work on it, but nothing happens from there. Once he gets sick of his new girlfriend he will be back talkin to me again...or at least I think he will be.

I am furious he lies to me and treats me like crap anymore, but I still miss him. I don't know if it is because I miss what we had and I am so lonely. I literally have no friends and stay at home with my kids 24/7. I have talked to a few guys since the breakup but am never interested. I wish he would just want me and these kids and for us to try again and have a family.

He is bi polar and I know he has a lot of issues with that. Not being on medication and stuff like that. He has an addiction to porn and has since I met him. His sleeping around now just really bothers me yet he will deny it to me if I ask.

I really just need some friendly advice as to what to do from here. I am so lonely and depressed.

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 9:28pm

Sweetie, I am so sorry you are going through this. You deserve better than someone who doesn't appreciate you and your children. It is totally understandable that you miss him but that is not a reason to allow him to treat you badly.

My suggestion would be to fine a professional with whom you can talk this through. Figure out what you want. If you truly want to work this out with him and he does as well, get some counselling together.

Most of all protect yourself for your children.

My thoughts are with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 9:10pm
The father of your children is not capable of being who you would like him to be. Rather than spending your mental energy on wishful thinking and trying to come to terms with his behavior, take this opportunity to become the somebody you wish to be. Most of your post is focused on others. What's wrong with him, why would this young girl date him, lack of contact with your children, on and on. What you do from here is focus on you. Nope your life is not meaningless. It has tremendous meaning. You are the most important person to two precious children. That is a huge responsibility as well as a great pleasure. They should be your focus. Keep in mind he is going to do what he is doing whether you dwell on it or not. The results are the same. So quit wasting precious time wishing and start changing what you have the power to change - you. You are not defined by who you sleep with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2007
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 9:44pm
i know why a 19 yar old girl wants to date a 25 year old man with two kids....she does not know what it is like to be you -the mother, and she probably thinks it is a fun change to have a guy that has 2 kids around once in awhile to do new things with. and for him, he will keep going back and having sex and telling you all teh things you want to hear because he knows he is stringing you along. i know that is all you want is for him to want you and the kids and be a family, i know that. i have 2 kids of my own and have been through this. you can't make him want something, and if you are going to give him whatever he needs (emotional support, friendship, sex) without him having to commit to you then why would he ever commit??he gets what he wants without having to commit. you need to be strong and know that when things go sour with his new girl that you have to put your foot down even though you are lonely and missing him, you have to be firm and tell him no because you deserve better than the way he is treating you. i know it is hard not to give into temptation when he wants you, but you need to make sure he wants you long term, not just for the night
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 10:49pm
Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering? Wondering if he is faithful? Wondering if he will change? Wondering if when the phone rings if it another woman? Wondering when he will have another meltdown?
Can you look into going to school? Or look into a part-time job? You need something to get your mind off of your problems. Your man is not the only one who is in denile. You need to think about what is best for you and your children. Can you look into counseling for you and your kids? Once you put your foot down, you will feel impowered.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 12:34am
You are right and I know this. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed with everything and just wish we could be together. My new goal is to just leave him alone and let him do as he pleases. I start college this fall so I know I will make friends then. I hope. Everyday is a new day for me and today I am a little stronger than yesterday. Of course tomorrow I could have a melt down. I know I am better off. I just miss being loved and wanted I think more than anything. Thanks for your advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 12:38am
I am starting college this fall so I know I will probably make friends than and start my fresh life. I am really thinking about counseling. The more I look at my kids and see how they cry for him makes me hate him. It is more of a lonely thing than anything. Having my best friend and lover leave me at the same time has really done a number on me. He was my all. I do better as each day passes, but then I end up having another meltdown and calling him crying. So I will be strong for my kids and try my hardest to get over him. Thank you for your advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 12:19pm

hi and hugs - sorry for everything you are going thru.

I am going to be a little blunt, hope that's ok - just that sometimes it helps (I'm not going to be mean, don't worry!)

first of all ---- let's start by focusing on you and not on your ex. ok? he is bad news, by the sound of it. maybe you still love him; maybe you think you still have a chance to make this 'marriage' work. but for now - let's be real. you have two little kids, so you need to focus on making the best and most stable life for them. this is not going to be acheived by sleeping with your ex who is sleeping with other people. so just stop that (ok, i know that you know that). focus on your family. and while you're at it - please get yourself tested for STDs. and pay attention - some tests need to be repeated in a few weeks or months. the last theing you need right now is some std.

next - your ex has addiction issues, he lies, he is bi polar but won't take his meds. that's all about him. and what about you? you've been living with him, having kids with him and enabling him. i know - i've been in your shoes. and i know how hard it is to admit that - but you need to - because that's the only way that you will be able to heal and move on. you need to take care of YOU, not worry about his issues.

and thirdly - what do you mean <<>>. they're HIS kids, and he HAS to take responsibility. so be firm (and that's why I said that you need to get some help for yourself) and get some legal advice and make sure everything is court sanctioned. you have kids together - you are going to be parents for the rest of your lives, but at the very least he has to be an involved parent for the next 18 years.

hang in there. being a single parent isn't easy, but you will do it. just make sure you take care of yourself, focus on your children, and look for ways to get ahead, build a career, make some new friends. My DS jsut turned 21, i can't believe it myself, and trust me we have been to H*LL and back, but thankfully he is doing ok now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2007
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 10:39pm
your wlcome, i know as i am sure you do we ALL need a little supoort sometimes.. i hope college goes well and i am sure you will meet someone great and woothy of you