I need to get it started!!!
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| Wed, 08-23-2006 - 10:12am |
I know I don't want to be married to him anymore. I highly suspect him of cheating (so many red flags but no concrete proof yet), he ignores me or gets on my case for the stupidest stuff (like not putting the dishes or DD's books away "the right way") or says things like "I feel like I'm living with two toddlers," I dare say he's been physically abusive, in addition to emotionally abusive, in that I often complain that he's too rough with DD and the dogs and DD even had finger shaped bruises on her arm one time that I swear were his doing, he's got so much porn loaded up on the computers and sees no problem with it and I just can't seem to stand him anymore. Also, frankly, he scares me; I have this uneasy feeling about him but think I'm imagining things. I want to leave and, due to his frequent travel, have had lots of "practice" of being on my own, but just can't seem to get it started. What is wrong with me? Is it simply the convenience of having the same house and worrying what everyone thinks?
If I get an apartment lined up and then tell him I'm moving out, I worry that that will create a grounds of "desertion," as I live in a fault state. If he doesn't stop me, then that should be consent, right? I know I have to do it; why am I stalling so much? I shouldn't care what others think and realize how relieved I seem to be when he's out of town, even though I'm doing everything myself. Help, someone get me going!!! Should I just line up that apartment first and then tell him, as that will be something definite?
Why can't I just do it? Any advice on those who've BTDT???
Edited to add - I work full time and have a good salary, and I have lots of family around. However, ONE bedroom apartments around here START at about $1300 a month and our mortgage payment is about twice that a month. I wouldn't mind selling the house if need be, especially since it just seems to have so many bad memories right now associated with it and would be too much work for me. We have savings and mutual funds and I have a lot in retirement monies, so I guess I could borrow against that if need be. The finances worry me a bit, but I think that can be overcome. I'm definitely bringing DD and the dogs with me; that's why I'm limited in some regards to certain apartments - must be near where we live now and her daycare and allow the two dogs, even if DD and I might have to share a one bedroom for now (she's only 3).
Edited 8/23/2006 10:28 am ET by crafty1985
Edited 8/23/2006 11:26 am ET by crafty1985

kelly
I can relate to your feeling uneasy and scared of your dh. My ex didn't have a ton of porn downloaded - that I know of - but I believed he did have a problem. At least, I thought it was a problem as it was affecting our relationship tremendously. He didn't think it was a problem. He had also been mentally and verbally abusive over the course of the relationship as well as selfish, manipulative and controlling.
I was uneasy around my ex for some time before I finally did ask for a divorce. If he came up behind me when I wasn't expecting it and touched me, I'd literally jump. It was a really hard thing to finally ask for the divorce. At the time I did it, I thought that would be the end of my problems - but since we had a son together, I am still tied to the ex. Dealing with him post-divorce has been really hard - but things are much better in many ways because I am not living under the same roof as him!
Now that I have been away from him for more than two years, I am finally getting a handle on what affect he had on me, my feelings and my thinking. Living with someone who is mentally and verbally abusive can really mess with your mind to the point that you don't even trust yourself!
Why does it take awhile to finally get started? Maybe it is only fear of the unknown. Maybe it is the fear that you won't be able to make it on your own. That was true in my case - because I had been a stay-at-home Mom for awhile, my career was pretty much shot. I've been only able to get about minimum wage since I left and I am taking money that had been saved for retirement and using it to get by.
Also, I think for me, since we had a son together, I kept hoping he'd change. I was in denial about the seriousness of his problems - I didn't want to believe it was true that he had risked so much to feed his addiction - he had started looking at and downloading child porn - which if I didn't turn him in and he got caught, we both would have been liable and we could have lost custody of our son. That is what finally mattered the most - I could not stay and endanger myself or my child like that. At the time I asked for the divorce, I don't think he'd been in the illegal stuff in about a year, but since he didn't think he even had a problem, I didn't want to stick around. Even if my ex hadn't looked at illegal stuff, just having him on the internet 3 or 4 times a day looking at that crap was not the environment I wanted to raise my son in.
I didn't want to get divorced. I wanted back the man that I thought I had fallen in love with. I didn't want to give up the hopes and dreams I had when I had married him. I still cared about him, still loved him, but he had been acting strangely for awhile and I found out he had lied to me on several occasions. I kept hoping that if I could finally 'do things right' for him and make him happy, then he'd treat me well and all the weird stuff would stop. He certainly did try to blame me for all the problems in the marriage and I believed that for a long time. It took awhile to get up the courage to go, but I finally did.
I am still afraid of my ex - I worry that if I were to tell people the truth about what he did, he'd come after me. Perhaps you are concerned that your dh would get physically violent if you were to ask for a divorce? If so, then preparing as much as possible for leaving would be a good idea. IMO, I think you should leave - but I know it is easy for me to say that and likely hard for you to hear it. There is a lot of work ahead of you either way, though.
You could always take the computer down to the police station. You may be able to get sole custody of your DD or maybe supervised visitation if you are concerned about leaving your DD alone in your dh's care. That is something I didn't do - and within a few weeks of finding the illegal stuff, my ex had wiped the computer, so I had no evidence.
The therapist I was seeing at the time I made my decision wasn't very helpful. I can see more clearly now why she was steering me in the direction of leaving my ex - but the way it was done was not helpful. I tend to be more logical in my approach to problems and we were trying to attack the problem from a more emotional point of view. My attachment to my ex, my concerns about his well-being and what little love I still felt for him got in the way.
If you feel that your current therapist would not be of much help at this time, perhaps you should shop around for another one. I think it helps to be really clear at this point what it is you really want and how you are going to accomplish it before you do anything.
I am sorry this go so long.....let me know if you have any questions. I don't know that I'd recommend doing things exactly the way I did, but I've btdt and I am sending positive vibes and ((hugs)) your way!
Take care,
Abby
I could have written your post... A few months ago I went to a therapist to find out why I couldn't seem to leave and she told me to be a little more patient, try a little harder, etc... So I GOT A NEW THERAPIST. She understood and made me feel stronger, not like it was all my fault. I couldn't keep going due to insurance reasons but the idea still took hold. We are definitely getting a divorce and I feel stronger by the day. I saw an attorney this morning and I hope to have him out of the house in the next 6 weeks. My situation is a little easier since STBX wants a divorce as well - so he told me on Sunday, anyway. I am at peace with it in my better moments and in my worse moments I'm scared to death.
GOOD LUCK!
Kate
Thanks! I really don't think he wants to be with me and has felt that way for several years, but he doesn't have the guts to tell me and instead passively agressively drives me away so that I'll be the bad guy. The only thing really holding me back right now is guilt, like I'm supposed to want to help him, love him and try harder because we have a child together. But I'm tired of trying and being made to feel awful about myself. His family can't seem to see that their words and actions hurt others, either, so I highly doubt there would be change anyway. They think they are so above everyone else and put everyone else down to make themselves feel superior. I think if I stand up to H and make myself better, it will just increase the tension in the house and maybe it will escalate to physical abuse.
The thing about him scaring me is that he just seems like he'll snap at any second, or there's something going on that I don't know about, like he's a sex addict, gay or a pedophile or something. Our friends from church have acted strangely around us for a while - calling me on my cell phone to reach him or invite us over when they used to call our house or his cell phone, and they say "well, your cell number is the only one we could find" but we've had the same numbers for three years or more. Ha, ha, when they act strange, of course I would think "did I say something wrong?" "is my shirt too revealing?", always blaming myself!!
Hi Crafty...
I don't have any answers or suggestions, but I share your pain. I have been thinking about separation or divorce for more than a year now, have talked about it with my spouse and tried time after time to resolve our "issues." It's hard, and emotionally draining.
For me, I can't stop worrying about the fact that my husband is really *not* a bad guy. He's a good man, a good provider, not physically abusive, doesn't drink or smoke... he's very committed to being a good dad and wants to stay married. The problem is that we have no relationship any more, and he is very controlling and oppressive to me.
We have two young daughters (the youngest is 2, the oldest is going to be 4 in the fall) and I've been a stay-at-home mom all this time. I've tried very hard to get "back out there" into the working world, but good jobs are scarce these days. I used to do graphic design and also technical support, and cannot get a job. I'm thinking about going back to school to try and advance my career in some way or open up some new options...
I guess I'm scared. In the past I've been very spontaneous and always made decisions with my heart. Now I have two children to think about... everything is different. I'm afraid I won't do a good job taking care of them on my own - that I'll forget to sign them up for school or gymnastics lessons or summer camp or something, that I'll miss payments and doctors appointments, that I won't get any of my bills paid or the car serviced, etc. etc. etc.
I'm also worried that the children will be scarred by a divorce... I don't want to put them through any unnecessary pain and trauma.
On the other hand, I'm not happy living this way. I feel caged and lonely in this marriage, and can't see myself continuing any longer. I've discussed my feelings and our difficulties at length with my husband, and he always makes notes and agrees that things will be "worked on" and I will see a change in him, but nothing ever changes.
Ugh... I guess I needed to vent.
I hope to be back here soon with something more positive... anyway, thanks for reading this, anyone who made it this far!
Hugs to all of you. This isn't easy.
S