I need to let him go

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
I need to let him go
2
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 12:55pm

why can't I let him go? Why do I constantly try to make things right? swallow my pride? hurt my children? What am I so afraid of?

My H is a alcoholic. he is abusive, mean, paranoid, scary. He hates my daughter calls her names, blames her for his drinking for everything. She will not be in the same as him unless I'm there becuase SHE feels bad for making him mad (she's 20). There is no real reason for him to dislike her she's just a convenient excuse to drink. My other 2 kids (boys 15 and 14) see him treat me like dirt. Everyone walks on eggshells so we don't set him off. I work 3 jobs to pay the bills cause he spends all his money at the bar. I average 70-75 hrs a week. plus I do the work at home becuase that's "woman's work". He doesn't do anything to help me or us. I worry all the time about what mood he'll be in at night what he will say and what he will do next. He will go without speaking to me for days and leave me random notes. "I hate you" "I'm leaving you" he writes things around my daughter.. he being a b**ch and a W*ore... which I've kept. I found a filet knife under his pillow once and he said that's becuase we are all out to get him. i know he's boarderline nuts.. but I still keep saying don't leave, don't give up on the marriage. I'll do better, the kids and I will do better.. I'm sorry etc.

I have been working to fix my house so I can put it on the market when he leaves. I can't afford to stay there without him even though he contributes very little. But without him I also can't do the repairs at all. He will help me carry things etc even though I'm the one that does most of the work. I had cancer about 4 years ago and was supposed to die but didn't. I ended up having lots of surgery and treatment, lost a lung and had heart issues due to all the radiation. I also have a mountain of bills from being unable to work as much (I wasn't married and had 3 kids) I still work all the time but can't do a lot of physical stuff anymore. Last night he drank at the bar (again) for several hours before he came home. I was very sick (fever etc) so I only worked one job instead of two and got home at 5:30 instead of midnight like usual. He was angry about life in general and I had to make dinner etc.. he didn't like that I had and was furious with my DD becuase she was in the kitchen helping me and talking to me. The evening got worse with him threatening to leave again, throwing his wedding ring at me, asking how quick he can dump me etc...

I ignored him last night, went to bed, got up and went to work. he called in sick. I called the house and he's still there (the kids told me he's just watching TV). He will eventaully get off the couch, go drink and come home angry and mean. I have to work this job (8-5) and then go to my next job so I won't be home till midnight. But I want to call him and make sure everything is okay that he won't leave.. Why am I doing this? Why can't i let him go? Everyone else that has seen the notes he leaves or has seen him explode is scared of him but I never really worry that he will hurt me. I just want to sell my house and get an aprtment and pay of the debt that I have. But I'm so scared all the time. Scared he will leave, scared he will stay and my life will be like this forever.

I am so screwed up. yes, I've been in counseling. my therapist told me to find someone else after a year because she felt she was helping me and didn't know what to do. I'm sorry to ramble.. guess i just wanted to vent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2003
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 2:17pm

ok- I know this is a place where we are just suppose to be supportive- but I have to tell you that YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS!! Your children do not deserve this either. What he is doing is abuse. Next time anything starts call the police. I have no idea how it works, but if he is nutty, they may be able to have him committed to a hospital for a few days. This would give you time to get a RO and change the locks.

I wish you luck!!

Deb

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 4:31pm

Hey,


Knowing what you need to do... and actually being able to do it... are NOT the same thing.


If you haven't found our


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~