I need your opinions

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I need your opinions
8
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 11:31am

My husband’s ex-wife just moved to a neighboring state with his 2 children. He did sign an amendment to their divorce decree giving her permission to do so. Where they are living is now 90 miles away, a 1.5 hour drive-one way. My husband is not currently driving, so it is my responsibility to haul everyone around. He has the typical EOW vistiation. Originally, when the moved was first brought up, I was told she would be meeting us halfway on Sunday afternoons. Now, he wants me to do the whole trip. (I am guessing he never really discussed the half-way thing with her).

Am I being selfish for not wanting to spend 3 hours EOW in a car with a 6 & 4 year old? Not to mention the cost of gas and the wear and tear on my car. (Which I have already put 32000 miles on in one year.) We do have pickup truck I could drive, but it only has jump seats in the back and they don’t accommodate the stupid car seats. It was her choice to move so far away. I feel she should bear more responsibility for transportation. Am I wrong? He is mad at me because he feels I am keeping him from seeing his children. Also, he told me I am willing to drive around for my kids, but not his. Hello, the driving I do is mostly local (sports, band, etc.), with the occasional travel for an away football game (there are only 4 per year).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 12:12pm

painterdreams...

Pianoguy thinks that your husband might want to consider "taking public transportation" (like a bus) in order to visit his children. He could also pay a buddy to drive him to the town where the EX and kiddoes are still living?

It's clear (to PG anyway) that you HONESTLY want nothing to do with his children or the EX!

If you feel the current "transportation arrangement" is unfair to you...perhaps a compromise could be reached? One visit...you make the full drive....and on the next visit, the EX drives the kiddoes directly to your husband!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 12:41pm

He's the one who's being selfish!


Sure, as his wife you should be supportive and accommodating of HIM... but not his "slave" and expected to enable him to see his kids.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 12:57pm

Pianoguy-

I am not quite sure how you formed the opinion I do not want anything to do with my stepchildren or his ex. But you are totally wrong. I have done the best I can to create a blended family-his children and mine. In addition my family has accepted them as if they were always part of the family-2 more grandchildren, 2 more cousins. I have also been very accommodating with his ex-wife and her needs (i.e. using my husband as a babysitter). I work full-time. My husband does not, he is permantly disabled. The time I have at home, especially weekends, is precious.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 3:48pm

painterdreams...

As CL-KAREN and other visitors to this board will confirm, PG's opinions and thoughts are based on the words that you (or anybody who posts on the L&S boards) have used.

You mentioned NOTHING about your husband's inability to work, or how much YOU'VE DONE for his entire family.

Sorry, but I'm not a mind-reader!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 6:20pm

Perhaps I am not a person who is good at being married, 'cause if I were in your shoes I would not be able to let go of the fact that he has created this situation, and that it's not my job to save him from the natural consequences of his actions.

I hope you are much better at this than I am. Perhaps you could tell him just how much you are willing to do, and let him figure out the rest. Are there any big teenagers in your aquantance who could give your husband a lift once a month?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 11:12pm
In the ammendment to the decree. What does it say about transportation? No one thought of this? That is a lot of wear and tear and drive time. Halfway meeting sounds fair, and I'm sure the judge would agree.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 1:25pm
I'll be honest...I think it is VERY unfair your husband put you in this position. Being expected to do three hours of driving EOW is excessive.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 1:46pm

painter dreams - don't turn this into a "he is selfish" "i am not selfish", and "i don't do more for my kids than yours" kind of discussion because you will never get anywhere and you are moving the focus from where it needs to be.

you need to look at the situation that you ahve here - without going into the 'who created it' issue - and see what you can do to fix things. you are right - *you* shouldn't have to make this trip twice a month, certainly, you shouldn't have to do it alone, and you shouldn't have to pay for the wear and tear on your car. you and your husband need to sit down and figure out other options:
- talking to ex W about the half way point, OR one of you drives one time and the other the next time
- hire someone to pick up the kid
- rent a car for the pick ups so that the wear and tear will not be on your car.