I need...something. Help? Support? sigh
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| Sun, 09-23-2007 - 3:32pm |
Hi,
I feel kinda funny posting all my 'dirty laundrey' on the internet.....but you all seem like you are good people, going through the same sorts of things...I need to get it out I guess, my friends are almost all either single or have a BF/GF but no kids. They get it but don't....sigh.
So I've been with my fiancee for 6.5 years, living together for 5 years and we have a 14 month old son together. We both work full time at good jobs only his is year round and mine is seasonal, so I have a few months off during the winter but make enough money that it doesn't matter, is actually really nice.
He is emotionally and verbally abusive. Not really able to show affection (ie. rolls his eyes and sighs if I ask for a simple hug), has anger issues, like if I forget to make the bed one morning he goes off and name calles and yells and swears at me. I really have no clear idea as to why I have stayed with him for so long. We were plannign on getting married in Sept. 2006 but found out I was pregnant (best oopsie I ever had hah) in November 2005 so put the wedding off thank GOD.
Had DS in July of last year. I thought that maybe with a child in the house he would cut out the nastiness when he got angry or frustrated, but he continued to name call and swear at me even in front of my son. Every motherly instinct in me screamed NO. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
Finally a few weeks ago I just totally burnt out in regards to the relationship. Just woke up one morning and realized that I am so unhappy, tense and edgy ALL the time. If not for my son I wouldn't want to go home as as soon as I walk through the door he is critisizing, nagging or angry at me for something or other. I'm not happy. I don't feel loved. Over the years I've stopped feeling attractive, smart, creative or interesting (though I do have a sneaking suspision that I in fact am all these things hah). And I'm just done.
Told him, am moving out, and scared silly of breakin' up my family, making it work financially on my own, being a single mom or co-parent, whatever you want to call it. Scared it will affect my son, scared of being alone, scared I'm making a mistake even though I know he has been very very wrong for and to me for years.
But now, now he is saying he loves me more than anything, I'm his soul mate, that he has been thinking and NOW realizes how terribly he has treated me and things will change, he is going to go to counselling and anger management, he will show me affection, he is proud of me etc etc.
I've told him flat out over the last year that if things didn't change I was leaving. I've told him FLAT OUT, bluntly, that everytime he called me a nasty name or yelled and swore at me I lost a bit of love for him. But it's only NOW that he is realizing that there was something seriously wrong? Only NOW that he is willing to change, willing to show me his love? NOW that I don't know if I have anything left for him?
What is WITH that? Seriously......he says he just needed a wake up call and this is it and now everything will be different. Ummmmm......I TOLD him over and over and it hurts so deeply that he never cared enough or respected me enough to listen. And now he wants to listen? I think it's too late.
I'm really afraid of being on my own and afraid of this hurting my son in some way in the future, but most of all Im' afraid of believing STBXF and staying only to have it all be the same and only to have all my feelings stay dead and gone.
I don't know what I'm looking for

Please let us know where you can buy that magic pill.
Hi Anika77
Sorry you have to find yourself here too.....I have to agree with the last poster---he is just saying what you want to hear now that he thinks you are serious!