I really do not get it..........
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I really do not get it..........
| Fri, 07-29-2005 - 12:53pm |
H finally got all of his clothes moved out of the house, which is great....I feel a lot less in limbo.....For the last three days, I have let him come see the kids since he is still trying to get his apt moved into completely.....I have tried to stay out of the way and let him have time to hang with the kids when he comes and he gets mad.....I feel like he just wants me to sit down and be his friend....I do not feel we should ever be friends, I will be friendly in front of my kids, but I do not want to be friends with some one who just up and decided they do not want to be married....He also asks for a hug each time he leaves, I just think this is another part of his guilt stage...He already dates .....I want to move on with my life, and it seems like to me part of him does not want me to.....he says he loves me but he is just not in love with me.......and he does not care what I do or who I do it with.......then why on earth would he want to come over and hang out with me........He is supposed to take the boys next tues and wednesday night ,so I am hoping this will stop and we can just do the drop off thing.....I hope I am not sounding hateful.....I just do not feel like it is healthy for me, at this point to talk to him...The fact is that he had a girlfriend picked out and then conveniently wanted out of our marriage....This has left me with a lot to deal with emotionally. I have not had to worry about finances much since he has left, he has made sure that we have money....He has griped alot in the last month about having to give it to me, but has since stopped om the past week and said he will just give me whatever I want........But only after I pulled out all of his girlfriend weekend trip receipts that were at his business and showed him that he had spent over $2000 in a month, and told him that it was ridiculous for him to live like that and then gripe for giving me $150 a week........sorry just needed to vent.....he is just not the person I thought he was....it is so depressing

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It isnt healthy and no contact is respectful of him and you so you can transition into your next phase of life. He is no longer a member of the house so he is to show up at door for pick up and drop off. Conversations are left to children ONLY. If he begins to go elsewhere you say I only discuss the children with you period. You have to create the boundaries in order for him to NOT cross them at this time you havent shown him you have any....sorry but its true!
Hugs-- and stay strong
A lot of relationships go through this type of separation but still hanging on. My ex did it, including the wanting to be friends bit. I think he wanted to keep me hanging on just in case his new thing fell through and he wanted to come back. I didn't start to heal until I started minimizing my contact with him and started thinking just about what I needed.
-sang
He has a lot of issues.....I know he still loves me,but he thinks he can just come back to me whenever he is done with his dating/partying life...His parents did this 3 different times as he was growing up.....I think I am coming to terms that his problems are just that.... his...I do not personally believe in emotional baggage myself, I think that it is a cop out that he uses to not act right....He is an adult and knows right from wrong....He is supposed to watch the boys for me for an hour tonight, while I go to a preschool meeting we will see if it happens though......He was supposed to come over last night at 6 to see the boys, but called me at almost 10 pm...saying he was eating dinner and he had to go get his new cell phone activated and shopping for new stuff for his apt.He has not seen his kids since thursday and then he only saw them for 10 minutes...But he really believes in his mind that getting a cell phone activated is a valid excuse.....sometimes I just really wonder if he is on drugs...he loves to drink and it really would not suprise me....
Then he was supposed to pick up milk for me when he was going to come over at 6, I told him during our later conversation not to worry about it and that I had enough until tommorow....he said ok, but then showed up at the front door at almost midnight with milk and asked for sex....He had just gotten back in town at lunch time from spending the weekend with his girlfriend....I know he did....but he can not even wait a day to come over and try to mess with my mind......I just wanted to say, did you not get enough this weekend.....I just think he takes advantage of the fact that I am a christian and I have a very soft heart.....He does not deserve me and God does not want me to spend the rest of my life watching my husband hook up with every chic that is even halfway nice to him.....I decided this morning that no matter how bad it hurts me, I am going to have to file and follow thru with the divorce.....he has said he would file for a month now and he is not going to do it....It is just really hard to be the one to do this when you are the one that is still in love and hurting....but the trust is gone....Every day is just another day keeping me from where I am supposed to be...........
My ex filed for divorce and then would not move out of the house. We had no plan as to what was going to take place with the kids and about visitation. We looked like a couple of asses standing in front of the judge saying we were divorcing and had no plan. My ex was basically wanting to get the divorce and THEN figure stuff out.
Not only that but he was living there, not contributing to the bill paying and tormenting the HELL out of me trying to control everything I was doing.
He still isn't letting me move on. He's got a girlfriend, but on his weekends to have the kids I get harrassing emails about everything and anything and showing up at 6:30 in the morning on a Sunday to get stuff for the kids!! There are days I'd love to throttle him.
Hugs, hannah. He sounds a lot like my ex - he initiated the separation, cheated with OW, but he never made any move to start the divorce process. The time in limbo between when we separated and when I had to make the decision to divorce was so difficult. I felt like I had to try to make the marriage work when it couldn't. When I finally realized divorce was the right choice, I felt inner peace for the first time in months.
-sang
"He still isn't letting me move on."
You mean, he is still hoping to stop you. But of course, he has no power to do that.
I am usually a lurker but just wanted to say something here. You will never get it. My ex was the same, had OW, was not "in love" all the crap they spew when they are looking for the excuse you will buy to make things easier for them. KWIM? The guilt they want YOU to live with because they can't . With every rejection we give them because we are wanting to move on and be done with the hurt, they can justify THEIR actions.
My ex never would start anything either, wouldn't tell his family etc. Finally I went and got my own checking account and other things. When he got the card in the mail to sign to get my name off and his first insurance bill believe me he WAS MAD..how could I do this to him. Well, this is what divorce is...get used to it.
Cont to do what you need to do..stop personal contact and keep it about the kids. Your ability to move on will increase. Probably one of the hardest things I did was cutting it all off, because then it really was me calling the final shot in the death of our marriage. The flip side is I would still be married because he was happy having a girlfriend and a family for his parents to be proud of him for.
Hang in there
Kelly
I just wanted to add...you can get a thousand divorce papers but until you divorce him in your heart you will not be done. By moving forward and getting things separated you are divorcing him in your heart. Realizing that even with a broken heart this is the best thing for you.
You are absolutely right..the knowledge that me ex was not the person I thought he was was the hardest part of all. It boiled down to me feeling like I was the stupidest person on earth. But after watching him go through several relationships and another marriage in the last five years I realized he is just a great actor.
Kelly
Wow, great post Kelly.....
EXCELLENT advice :)
Hannah,
I can hear the pain in your post and it reminds me of where I was in the Fall of 2003. My ex told me just 2 days after bringing our 2nd daughter home from the hospital that he was not "in love" with me. Long story short, he was having an affair while I was pregnant and waited until after delivery to let me know he wanted out of the marriage (wasn't that considerate of them). He too didn't make a move. Kept living in the house, coming on to me, asking if we could work it out (but only on his terms that I change MY ways). It was so painful, not to mention I was now realizing I was going to be a single mom of a 14 month old and a newborn. Others have posted the same advice, but cutting off as much contact as possible (I realize it's hard with kids involved) will be the best thing for you. You may want and need answers, but someone who lies and cheats isn't going to give you an honest answer anyway. It took me a long time to come to terms with that. My ex also used my Christianity against me. If I got upset or angry, I was called a fake Christian or "some Christian you are" or told that as a Christian I should forgive. Well, Christians hurt too. We are still human. I beleive it took the affair and the abuse for me to finally admit to myself it was OK to get out of the marriage.
I don't have a lot of time to post, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your feelings and pain. Many of us have been there and can help you along the way. We are not here to judge any decisions you make, but to support you if we can.
If you ever want to chat, please e-mail me at familyswim@yahoo.com. I'm able to check e-mail more often than the boards.
Take care of yourself and your children, that is what is most important.
Anne
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