I really need a divorce, but I feel trapped

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-1999
I really need a divorce, but I feel trapped
8
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 10:37pm

Dear all,

My marriage has been dead for over a year now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 7:16am

Hi;

well what about going to therapy by yourself.. It will help you sort things out.. Do you have a job?? Do you have friends or outside hobbies.. Maybe focus on yourself for a bit and do what makes you happy .. do you have family you can talk to and turn to??

I know that kids are resilent and they bounce back pretty well and they survive divorce.. Just read the statistics and see that marriages end 50 percent in divorce and the kids survive.. Not saying its easy but it happens all the time.

what about a sep. and divorce support group.. You see there are many things you can do and control instead of thinking hubby will change.. You need to change yourself and do what is best for you.. You can go to a lawyer and see what your rights are. Not necessarily for a divorce but if you head that way its to co parent your child and make the transition better.So think of ways to move forward whether hubby agrees or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 10:41am

While I do agree with everything that FreeAtLast said, I would say this, if nothing else has worked you may need to scare him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 10:59am

I think if your marriage is dead, staying in the marriage for the sake of the child really is not the best thing--do you think he'll be happy being w/ 2 parents who don't love each other & think that's what marriage is supposed to be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 12:07pm

Your child is already living in a broken home, with two unhappy parents, and this is what he is learning about relationships. If you leave and he has two happy parents, he wiulll be better off. He is better off any if only ONE parent ends up happy and even better, in a healthy adult releationship. My SO's son is almost 20 now. He has told his Dad repeatedly that diffference he sees in his Dad with me vs when his parents were together is night and day. My son (14) tld me a few weeks ago, that SO and I are "good together". Kids are smarter and more resilient than we give them creidt for.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 03-06-2012 - 9:35pm

Hi,

Here's my question to you based on your post: What have you done to help yourself be happy even in these circumstances?

I'm asking because it sounds like you're waiting for your husband to change or do something to make you happy. While marriages much more satisfying when a spouse is capable of paying attention to the other's needs and really trying to be more accomodating, the truth is each of you is responsible for your own happiness.

Men don't really "get" the emotional needs of their wives. Your husband sounds like he's very comfortable in his misery and really can't or won't move out of it. Going to counseling to him would be like you sticking your hand in flames. He doesn't want to change or adapt or "fix" anything because he's focused on himself.

My suggestion is you get individual counseling to discover why you are waiting around for him to be someone he can't so you can be happy.

Even if your husband agreed to go to counseling I suspect you'd expect HIM to change and be the person you want him to be without doing any discovery or changing yourself. Marriage counseling requires both people to be honest and to lay their cards on the table. In the event you can't get him to go, you have to have the courage to go yourself and really work on being the kind of wife you want to be.

It takes work to get divorced. It takes work to stay married. Work on your marriage. Perhaps what your husband needs is encouragement to seek help for his problems. After all, you're going to be dependent upon him economically whether you stay or go. I say put your effort into being his partner and discuss with a therapist how you can help him come out of his depression and seek help. No one said marriage was all wine and roses; these are the times when it takes guts to step up to the plate and be a supportive spouse. No one said things will get better in 30 days or less.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2012
Sun, 03-25-2012 - 6:29am

First of all make an appointment with a couples counsellor for yourself alone. Tell your spouse in as nice of a manner as possible

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2009
Mon, 03-26-2012 - 12:46pm

I'm so sorry you feel trapped. :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2012
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 3:10pm
I don't have any advice but I sympathize as I am in a similar situation with our kids being 6 & 7 and feeling like I will devastate their world by divorcing their father. I hope you find the right solution for your family & happiness!