I really need to leave
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I really need to leave
| Wed, 08-03-2005 - 12:49pm |
I have been married for 3 years and lived with my husband for 2 years before that. I have come to realize that I don't think the marriage will work. He is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober for 10 years, however, I don't think he really worked on some issues. He was single for 10 years after his first marriage and dated about 8 women but the relationships always ended. (He says he ended them) I have found some of his issues to be disturbing. After a dog attack last fall I was unable to work for 4 months. He is insisting that I pay him back my share of the lake property mortgage which we own jointly, about $2600 that I was unable to pay while I was disabled. When I had a cold recently, I asked him to pick up some over the counter cold medicine which he did, but put it on a list of expenses we split like groceries. During tax season, he owed the govt over $4000 due to his spending, while my portion was $200 because I took out the correct number of deductions. He states that our tax advisor told him I owed about 40% of the tax. Not true. I found out. Etc Etc. I gave up living in my nice house and job in Atlanta and moved to a hick town in the south where I knew no one and had no job. (Another reason why it was impossible to "pay my share of the lake mortgage". At this point I want to leave. However, I have been with him so long, that most of my friends have moved out of Atlanta,the city I used to live in. I have no family and my daughter is moving up north after graduating this year. I hate this town, although I have one very good friend here. How does one just pick up and plop herself down in another area without knowing anyone? How do you just start over? . I would like to move back north. I have friends, but they are spread out maybe one per state all far away. It makes me sad that at this point in my life I am alone. I am in my late 40s and just wish I could be 20 again and do it all over. I can't imagine anyone ever wanting to marry me again at my age. Very depressing. Ps, I just started a new job and it would be awkward to live with him, but I feel I need to in order to save money for a major move. Thanks for any advise.

You can do this, WOMAN!!
"How does one just pick up and plop herself down in another area without knowing anyone? How do you just start over?"
With some guts, a little hard work, and a healthy sense of adventure. That's how! You jsut need to pick your spot and save your money. You should check out the job market in any areas you are considering. Would it be fun to live within a reasonable distance from where your DD will be attending school? Make holiday visits easier, wouldn't it? As for whether you will marry again, it's not really time to worry about that, is it? Why thrust yourself into another situation where you must do everything someone else's way? Why not just live and breathe free?
After having to stick it out with your husband for as long as it takes to save up and do your research, you are REALLY going to deserve some freedom. Pick a place, find out about living conditions, jobs, clubs and interests and churches... and remember to have FUN with it.
baby steps honey..... one thing at a time.
You can't worry about everything at once, you have to sit down and make a list. Once that list is done, put it in order ( realistic order ) of how you can do them. Cross them off and don't worry about the next one until you hit it on your list. Not only will you see that you are accomplishing things, it will help you realize that YOU CAN DO THIS!
I know this is hard for a "planner" like we seem to be.... but if I did it , you can too. Sometimes we have to force ourselves to do things to just get it done and then after it's done we say... oh wow, that was easy, what's next!
For the record, I am not in my 40's, but when my H left I was pregnant with a 4 year old at home and I had been an at home mom for 2 years before that. I thought WHO is going to want me, I am damaged goods!
Turns out, someone did want me and now I am set to be married in the near future. EVERYTHING happens for a reason, your reason might be Mr Right is waiting around the corner.... so start with number one and just keep at it :)
Hugs,
Angelena
ovelia2005....
Despite the fact that your husband is a recovering alcoholic and has (according to you) been SOBER FOR 10 YEARS.....Pianoguy senses you want somebody's permission in order to justify a break-up?
Get yourself a lawyer...draw up an agreement with the issues that mean the most to you...and see if your husband will sign it! Keep in mind that if your name is on ANY CONTRACT...you are responsible for the terms that are set down.
You CAN'T go into retrograde and become "20" again, but you don't have to hang around in misery until you're 60!
Get a legal advisor or at least see if social services can provide any ways to help you out of your "unhappy situation!"
Good Luck!
Pianoguy
Ovelia,
Hi. I find it very interesting that you and your husband have this "roommate" approach to splitting expenses. For starters, it sounds like you file taxes married, but separate. That's an expensive way to go for married people. How come you're not filing married/joint? That's a lot less expensive for taxes.
As for him "collecting" your "share" of the mortgage on your property that you didn't "earn" while you were recovering from your injuries...HUH? The fact is the mortgage was paid - it shouldn't matter by him or you - its a JOINTLY owned property correct?
It sounds to me like he's got "issues" with sharing and being part of a partnership. Have you considered marriage counseling? It may help you see things a bit better.
Good luck.