I really need some help......

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
I really need some help......
7
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 11:19pm

I'm not sure where to turn here. This is not divorce related. One week ago today an 18 yo boy was stabbed to death. He was found in a parking lot outside of my home. It wasn't until 2 days latter that I had learned that I knew the boy and his family.

I don't live in a violent area by nature.It's a growing subberb mostly on the quiet side.The boy is the son of my SIL's boyfriend. If any of you have delt with greif of this kind I would greatly appreciate some advice. My SO was to read a letter from this boys dad at his memorial service today. He just couldn't do it. He tried really hard to practice reading the letter out loud last night and just couldn't stop crying because he felt this fathers greif so strong. He ended up not going to the service. I did however go and deliver the letter which did get read.

This boys father lives out of town and because of the nature of his death he was having a really hard time dealing with it. That is why he sent the letter. He knew in his heart he wasn't strong enough to deal with it and he is now coming down on himself for that as well. You see Robby was stabbed twice in the chest. The stabbing that killed him pierced his heart. A friend of his was also stabbed but survived.

I lost a nephew when he was only 4 yo. I still don't know how to help a greiving parent. If no one has any advice for me that's okay. Please take away from this story that life is to precious to be petty. In one single instance it can all change. Talk to your children. Keep the lines of communication open at all times. Listen and don't judge. It could make all the difference in the world for you and your child.Never forget to say I LOVE YOU.

Thanks,
K

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 12:11am

I'm so sorry... I don't have any experience dealing with this sort of thing, but wanted to send you lots of hugs and prayers. Have you thought about contacting a domestic violence or women's shelter in your area? They may have information on surviving this sort of thing...oh my gosh, I just realized I have tears streaming down my cheeks...

*hugs*

Julie (going to go hug Joey)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 9:08am

HUGS to you, the family, and your community. What a horrible loss.

Just by posting here about how precious our children are, you have done a great service to the young man and his family.

There is a great national organization that helps families after the loss of a child. It's called Compassionate Friends. The have a web site, and you can find local chapters in your area. We refer them at work frequently, and have had great feedback.

Take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 10:15am

I'm sorry for your friend's son. Helping someone through a tragic event can be a challenge. Offer your shoulder to cry on and your ears to listen. Give your friend time to do these things, as men often find it difficult to identify and express their feelings. My thoughts and prayers are with you and with everyone who knew the young victim. Take care and make sure you are safe.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 12:22pm

Thank you all so much. I knew I would be able to count on your support here. This really means alot. I will try to find out if there is a compasionate friends group where he lives and maybe here where the mother lives. I know her as well. My SO and I only met this boy this past fall. We helped him with the addition to his moms house and my So also ended up getting a dog from them for his son.

Again thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart.

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 12:59pm

oh my god- this is just horrible. what a stupid senseless death!


to answer your question on how to help: i will tell you what my late mother used to say to us whenever we had to make a shiva call - she always would say "remember that no matter how bad YOU feel, they feel worse". and that's the thing - when you are going to help out a beareved (sp?) family - it is really about them. take you cue from them - if they want to talk about it (which is helpful to them) - then just listen. ask someone close to the family if there is anything you can do to help (baby sitting, chores, food, etc).


I must say that, while there are alot of laws in judaism that i don't like, the laws pertaining to death and burial and comforting are wonderful laws. the family who is in mourning is surrounded by family and friends who take care of their every need for 7 days - which is usually the most difficult time when everyone is still in shock. people visit, and sit with the mourners and just listen. people bring food etc.

Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 1:10pm

How sad... I too have never experienced anything quite like this but I suggest you bring food and keep bringing it, making sure the family doesn't have to run errands at any time durning the next few weeks. Maybe you could set up more friends and family and assign days and meals to cook and bring and shopping trips etc. I also got advice from a friend when another friend of mine's baby died of SIDS. Don't be afraid to talk about the child who has passed. It will be a great comfort to the family. I did talk to my friend about her dear little one and she was so grateful. She said it was as if other people had forgotten about her much loved baby.

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 6:05pm

Oh my goodness..... how terrible.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~