I seriously need to know if it's just me

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
I seriously need to know if it's just me
10
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 10:25am

I am 36 and have been divorced almost a year (first marriage, no kids).

I pretty much won't go to weddings, and the few times I've made myself go since the divorce I have hated every second of them.

I don't do a good job of handling it when people get engaged and they're all happy and talking about wedding planning and stuff.

I don't try and meet people because I just basically figure, what's the point, everyone is already with someone else.

I do nothing on the weekends.

I live in a little apartment downtown with my dog, but I never go out.

If I do find someone interesting to talk with, male or female, for any reason at all, the minute they mention "oh, my girlfriend" or "my boyfriend" it just makes me want to stop talking with them.

My ex has a new girlfriend.

I have no friends here because everyone is attached and doing things with their partners.

I just can't seem to find happiness in anything except my dog.

My dad does this: he's jealous of everyone else and it's almost like because of that he sets himself up for being miserable... he has this "poor me" complex. I always said I didn't want to be like that.

I have two great season tickets for our NFL team here and no one to take.

I basically feel as if I am not living ... at least I hope I'm not, because if I am this is pretty awful.

I walk around angry.

Anyway I guess I was wondering if I'm the only person who feels this awful almost a year after divorce.

The most ridiculous part of this is, my divorce was my idea. But that's a whole other stupid story. Love Fzz

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 11:45am

well, as dr. phil would say: "and is this working for you"?

it sounds like you don't have much of a life - and you are angry and /or depressed. this doesn't sound like its much fun for you.

Is it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 11:53am

Hi there fzz,

If I could give you a hug I would.

The good news is that you sound on track in the process of getting ovre a divorce. It does take time, and you will go through a myriad of negative emotions. Recognize the courage it takes to let yourself feel these things. You will be healthier and more balanced in the long run.

So, in a nutshell, you sound normal and healthy.

You will want to make sure that while you are feeling down, you avoid unproductive outlets for your feelings. Drinking, drugs, chasing men, over eating, over exercising, et al.

As for your ex -- his current relationship will very likely end badly because it really is too soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 12:18pm

I came to this message for board for feeling similar to the way you do. I don't have any advice. But I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I too was the one who left my husband. And for GOOD reason! But I just can't get "over him" and I don't know why.

Take care and keep posting. I'm going to for a while. It will be nice to see how each other handling things. It's always helpful to hear other women's stories on it.

-DBC

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 1:19pm
I think a depression stage is very common. Don't beat yourself up over it. Avoiding painful situations is self-preservation so let yourself off the hook for awhile. Counseling may be very helpful as you work through these stages. I know it sounds silly but have you looked into clubs? Singles clubs, nature clubs, sports groups. How about a dog park where you can meet other dog lovers? It may help to find people that are interested in the same things you are. Hugs. I hope this stage passes quickly for you.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 7:18pm
For me it's been a year and a half and YES I feel that awful. Take care of you and God bless! Hugs, Brenda


Edited 7/31/2006 7:20 pm ET by mebrenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 7:56pm

Fzz you are not alone. I am in the middle of my divorce right now and I feel all the feelings that you stated. It is awful and it feels like it will never end. I try to keep my faith that God will help me through this. I also listen to others who have gone through this horrible path of divorce and trust when they say things will get better. I for one cannot wait.

Like you I find it hard to be around others especially my friends who are married. I try not to show it but whenever I'm with my best friend and she calls her husband I feel like it is a tear in my heart. She has someone to call whereas I don't. I'm happy for her but I'm terribly sad for me. I don't even dare go to weddings or anything couple related right now. I know it is already hard for me without it all being in my face, I can't even imagine what it would be like being in the mist of it. Sometimes I'll be in a room full of people and whenever I see couples holding hands, cuddling, or heck just talking I feel like crying.

My STBX already has a girlfriend. She was the OW and a former friend of mine. Whenever he wants to hurt me, which is everytime he gets an opportunity, he mentions how good his hussy gf is to him and how they have a family now that they have a baby (he claims he's not really the father but he's told others he is). One time he even went as far as telling me about their intimate sexual excapades. I wanted to throw up. After that I stopped talking to him. I refused to answer any of his calls.

Like you my pets are one of the few source of comfort that I have. I feel more secure being in my one bedroom apartment with my 6 cats than being out or anywhere else. In fact, whenever I am out I can't wait to get back home. It feelss like when I'm out there is something that will remind me of our time together. It hurts and it hurts bad but I pray everyday that the pain will ease.

This board has helped me feel as if I'm not as alone. There are a lot of people here that are experiencing the same thing. I draw a lot of strength and support from this board and other boards where I have made friends. My family and friends are also great but sometimes after a while I feel like I'm a burden because they think my STBX is a horrible person that I should have no problem forgetting about him and getting over everything. Not so. In fact, as many things as he's done to me I still love him. It kills me that I still love him because I know he doesn't feel the same way about me. I sometimes wonder why can't I get over him like he's gotten over me. I've come to the conclusion that my STBX and I are quite different. He can turn his feelings on and off whereas I can't. I suppose this is another reason why I've been able to keep my vows to him while he hasn't and have had 2 affairs within the last 2 years.

I hope and pray that someday I will find someone who can love me as much as I love him. Right now I am not sure how that will happen as I don't like to go out. I want to go out but my feelings and depression always prevent me from doing so. Perhaps if I'm meant to meet someone who I'm suppose to be with circumstances will present itself.

I hope you start feeling better and that things start to not feel so bad. Please keep in mind that you are not alone. We may not all know each other personally and that we're everywhere in the world but we do all share the pain of divorce. Perhaps just knowing this and that we're not alone will help each and everyone one of us in this dark and painful time in our lives.

Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 8:20pm
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. However, it sounds like you are choosing to be unhappy and lonely. You say you don't like when your father acted this way, but you are heading down the same path. I once told my ex (who was even more negative) that when bad things happen you have two choices. You can pull yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going or curl up in a ball and wish the world away. Guess which choice I take every time? Guess who is happy and enjoying life?
Melanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 10:56pm

fzz, I can totally relate. I'm not divorced YET, but after almost 4 years of separation, I still feel this way. I'm so sad. Who is ever going to love me? I must be unlovable. I do have kids, but am not feeling much love there. My cat is the only one who gives a damn. I go out with friends, but they are all happily married, which makes me feel worse. I want what they have. It all makes me feel sadder.

BUT, I think there is light at the end of the tunnel. I know I need to build up my confidence and self esteem and I'll find someone special. It's not an easy road, but I am NOT letting this be the end of my happy times, no way. That jerk is not going to own me anymore!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 6:43am
First, divorce is like a death and there are tons of emotions that go along with that. Please know that what I am about to say isn't meant to put down anyone for their emotions. We all deal with and process grief on a different timeline and in different ways. However, once we get to the point that we want to move forward there are lots of steps. First, realize what you have to be grateful for. Instead of sitting around moping over what you don't have, be grateful for what you do have. I mean do you realize the conditions that so many people live with in this world? They deal with famine, disease, war etc. Here we sit with the ability to deal with our feelings on a COMPUTER. Gratitude can do wonders. Second, get out there. I don't necessarily mean to find men. It's nice to have a relationship but we all need to be able to be alone and feel comfortable in our own skin before trying to find a man. FYI...they aren't the only road to happiness. Find a club (I belong to a local moms club, I am a brownie leader, I attend my sorority alum functions etc). I plan to try to volunteer with habitat for humanity this year. There are TONS of volunteer situations out there. Helping others can really give your self esteem a boost. Third, try to turn to your faith (whatever that is and if you don't believe in anything outside of yourself...maybe now is a good time to look into it). Many times we get so negative because we feel so let down by life. It's unfair. The reality is, we were never promised fair. Life isn't and never will be fair and I am grateful for that. I would hate to think that everything bad that happens to me is my fault and I deserved it. Plus if life suddenly became fair, I don't think I would be living as well as I do. There are too many wonderful people in poverty stricken areas that would take my place in a fair world. You get one shot at this life. Don't let another person take it from you. Good luck. I truly hope you find a way out of your anger.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 7:54am
Thanks to every one of you. I just appreciate your taking the time to respond, and in such supportive numbers. I hope we all have a nice day today. I'll be back on the board shortly to respond to others. Thanks again all -- love Fzz