I talked to my young dds about the split

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
I talked to my young dds about the split
10
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 12:42pm

I did it. I have been dreading talking to my young DD's (5 and 3 years old) about my separation from their much loved dad for a number of months now. And it has gone very very well. I just wanted to share as I know there are a number of people on this board who had had a lot of concern regarding this aspect. My split is very very amicable. We have been quasi separated since Jan 1st. He has been sleeping at home some nights, sleeping at a mutual friends other nights and works rotating shifts throughout the month as well so we haven't had to say anything until this past week or so.

When we listed the house for sale, I felt I had to say something to them. So I pointed out the sign and told them what it was for. They were excited about getting a new house. I told them that we might buy one house or we might buy two houses. My three year old tuned right out my five year old had a few questions. I told her that we would get one house for mommy and the girls and one house for daddy. They didn't want daddy to be lonely so I said that they would still see daddy lots. They were happy with that.

Our house sold much more quickly than I had anticipated so I didn't tell them that at first. I wanted them to have some time to absorb the fact that we were moving. Little by little they have each had questions for me. Can I bring my ball with me when we move? Yes we will be packing up all of your toys and belongings and bringing them with us. Wow we will have a billion trillion boxes. Yup! Today my older daughter asked me why daddy isn't going to live with us. I said that we thought we might be happier with two houses. She said that it would be less frustrating that way. That's right I said, but reminded her that we love them very much and would be spending lots of time together. I have bought a new house and have showed them pictures of it on the computer (it happened too fast to be able to bring them through it). I drove them through the neighbourhood and they are excited. If all goes well their dad will be building a new house right around the corner (literally the next street over) so that will be nice for them.

Bottom line - as everyone on this board told me if I presented it in a positive light, them it would be less scarey for them. That is absolutely correct. I am being totally honest with them and I mention almost every time we talk about the move that this will bve mommy's house and daddy will have another house - they will have two bedrooms and toys at both homes. So far so good!!!!

Some might wonder why we didn't tell them together, I think my stbx wasn't comfortable with this and it did sort of get foisted on me to do. But I am closer to the girls and I think they are more comfortable asking me questions about things. I also think it might have been a bit less ominous for the girls vs. having us sit them down to explain the split.

Anyway - I just wanted to share this bit of info. I haven't posted in a good month or so but I still lurk almost everyday.

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 4:18pm

Rose,

Glad you are still here. Really impressed with how you have handled it all. Amazed your house sold so fast! And your stbx can afford to build and right around the corner! Way to go. Glad it is amicable.

Maybe I should take a page from your book. But, then my stbx doesn't plan to live near his girls or even have a car. He keeps changing when he wants us to officially separate -- which really jerks me (and the girls) around. Also, we are in a different position in that I am a sahm and the economic consequences, much less daycare implications are really hard.

Still, maybe they will take it well.

Thanks for telling us that, as tough as it is, that it is going as best it can!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 7:21pm

Hi M - I think that giving them a little bit of information at a time has helped them to gradually get used to the idea and the implications of what that means to thier little world. They have started talking about our movewith their friends - they really do seem okay with things. So far there have not been any tears.

Another friend of mine is splitting from her husband and it is not amicable. It has been very hard on her girls (same ages as mine). There has been a lot of tears at their house. There really is no way to candy coat this - it is not fun, but I think as long as the children feel secure and loved, then they feel better about things. It is not as threatening to them.

Hang in there M. You are in the ugly stage right now. Hopefully your H has an epiphany and realizes the hardships on the girls and decides to live closer. You are in my thoughts....

(((((hugs))))))

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 12:09pm

Hi Rose,


I'm glad it went well.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 12:28pm
Not only that, but your children don't have to worry about their time spent with you being interrupted with Mommy and Daddy fighting or other similar stress!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 2:08pm
You got that right!

Karen ~ wildlucky4me


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 4:41pm

True - when my 5 year old explained it to me....saying that living in two homes will be less frustrating..... that was a bit of an eye opener for me. We tried very hard to keep our problems away from our daughters, but clearly they were feeling the tension....

I am just so happy to have the proverbial 'cat out of the bag'!

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 8:19pm

Rose,

In another message you mentioned creating a plan where both you and your stbx see the children every 24 hours. Would you be willing to share that plan with me (you can email me directly through my profile if you like)? We are trying to work something out, but right now it involves him coming to my place and me having to be away when he does. He is gonna live too far away to have them on weeknights at his place, especially since he doesn't plan to have a car.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 10:04am

Hi M - Absolutely. He hasn't yet accepted it yet, but I am pretty sure he will. I keep phrasing it in a way that this is what is best for the girls. He is a fire fighter so he works rotating shifts, and he is also a real estate agent during his off hours which actually makes my schedule work.

Bottom Line it works like this....
He has them Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday nights. For the first few months on the Tuesday and Thursday nights, he will drop them back off with me at bedtime. Saturday night he will have them overnight until approx 4PM Sunday afternoon. The longest stretch he will go without seeing them will be from Sunday afternoon until Tuesday after daycare. We will see how the girls are adjusting and add the additional sleep overs when they are ready, very slowly, one extra night at a time. I have a feeling he might add one of the extra sleepovers but I would be willing to lay bets he won't ever get to three nights except on rare occasions.

I am also offering a lot of flexibility. Due to his schedule he will miss many of his Tuesday and Thursday visits so when he is working nights he will come by my place after his shift ends at 7:30 in the morning to pick the girls up. Take them out for breakfast, have some play time and then drop them off at daycare.

I am still working on the holiday schedule etc - but rathering than rotating years, I am asking for Christmas Eve and he can have them Christmas day. This works for us and neither one of us will feel like we are compromising a great deal. While they are small we are hoping to be getting along well enough to share Christmas morning gifts and breakfast. He is not a huge "special occasion' guy so I have a feeling he would rather I look after things like easter egg hunts etc. and then he can have them for the family dinner. We will have to rotate Thanksgiving but other than that I don't anticipate very many conflicts.

This split ends up being approx 60/40% (assuming he has them for the three sleep-overs)- I honestly feel this would be in the best interests of our girls and it is a plan that will disrupt their lives the least. Mind you - we will live minutes away from each other which is a huge factor here as well.

Please do not hesitate to let me know if you have any questions - I am happy to answer just about anything.

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 11:09am

Excellent plan. So great you will live so close. That is the BEST solution. He can stay involved in weekend activities like soccer etc. when the time comes.

We sorta have a similar plan except it has him coming here and me having to go out which I am not going to want to every time because he will live too far away to drag the girls there and back and he will be living in really unacceptable conditions for children (he has "organization" issues). The plan is: Mon, Wed, and Fri with Friday being an overnight here so he can play with them Sat. morning and be here for soccer during the day Sat.

It is a temporary plan because I don't really want him in my house (I plan to make changes and he will make comments). With my stbx not willing to get a car I just don't know how he will see much of his children since I refuse to have them riding the subway system and walking round trip in excess of a mile to/from the subway on school nights -- it would be 2 hours of commuting for a five yo and seven yo!!!

So proud of you and your stbx for putting the kids first! It will lower everyone's stress level!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 11:16am

M - I am sooo glad that he will be visiting them at your home. Hopefully he will quickly come up with a more acceptable plan so that you can have your home back to yourself though. Everyone needs their space and it's not fair that you will have to leave your own home to accomodate him. However, on the flip-side, it sounds like the girls lives will be upset minimally with this arrangement. You have come a long way in your negotiations! Good for you!

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs