I think the rain is gone.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
I think the rain is gone.....
3
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 9:30am

I think I'm all cried out. I haven't felt like crying since I wrote the last message yesterday. I'm kind of surprised but I guess not. It has been a almost two months.....and after all the hurtful things he's done – forwarding all my personal email and voicemail to gf, and especially this last thing, getting engaged even though we have no divorce papers.

Here's my story:
We were married seven years.I guess I am really realizing who he really is. I was blinding myself with the con. The way I thought things should be, but really were not. Its true, I wasn't so much morning him as I have been morning the life I wanted for us. But no matter what I did, we were not living the life I envisioned.....we were living a con. He was con-ing me and I con-ed myself into believing him. All the sleepless nights worrying about money...all the over eating to try to satisfy the loneliness, I couldn’t enjoy sex thinking I might get pregnant and then I couldn’t work and if I couldn’t pay the bills then what?
Especially after the wedding when we had sooo many bills and no help from our parents, he never tried to resolve it. Or when his car got repossessed and he said it was some insurance thing. When I tried to take care of it, wanting to write a complaint, he said he would take care of it. I trusted he would, but the car never came back and his credit was ruined.
When we went for the line of credit, he couldn't really be on it but my bank did it for me as a favor. When we went for the loan for his truck, I had to co-sign otherwise he would not get it. I totally did these things, thinking it would get better. I put bills in his name, and I would pay them so he could build up his credit. He never paid one bill. Even his gym bills went through the line of credit because he couldn't even pay that. He has a job, a very good job with benefits and everything, a great union job. If the truck payments didn't automatically take the money of his pay, then he would have been in trouble for that too.
I tried to forget these things because everything else was good. He played the dutiful husband and I played the dutiful wife and it was okay when I didn’t press about the money. I went to counseling thinking I was controlling, a nag. We went to marriage counseling thinking we can fix this. He was in total agreed about the nag thing, so he went.
During this I found out that after the wedding, his parents who had promised money for the wedding, didn’t give us any money and instead of telling me about it, he took out another loan, to act/say that they did. So it was a shock but I told him, we could pay it, we can do it, I’ll work hard, he’ll work hard.
But he was keeping things to himself. He started gambling and keeping more secrets. I guess where he works there are bookies and he would do sports betting. Of coarse how would I know about that? He was home every night, he wasn’t at a casino or anything….and of coarse I was controlling and everything so I didn’t want to put pressure on where’s his pay check went. It turns out he was taking out loans, I didn't know about, to pay off debts. Because his credit was so bad he could only get really high interest loans.
He started taking money out of our line of credit and hiding the bills from me. Denying they even existed. He confessed about gambling after I finally got a copy of the bills, and I loved him, so I tried to support his recovery. I even went to a family support class that was for two days. They tell you how to help them get over gambling and how to kind of watch over the money.
I started doing this, just like they suggested. He started getting mad. I told him it’s what they said should be done. But he was just pissed. During that time since I controlled his money he paid some bills. It was pretty good. I didn't feel strapped all the time.
But then he told me to stop because I was not leaving him enough money. But I left him over $100 a week, which is more then what was left of my paycheck when I paid all the bills. As it turns out, he had another secret loan for the gambling debts that he did not tell me about. He had kept it from me but now I was controlling his money so he couldn't pay it so that’s why he had to tell me. So then he decided to take over his account again and never let me see it again. I was a fool. I stayed with him until one day again he took out some money from the line of credit….so I went to a lawyer to protect myself and setup some separation papers just in case the debt from him grows too great again.
Once we set a date for him to move out, (me still hoping he would change) I lost my job, so I had him stay longer so he could help me with the bills....he didn't.
I had to use my severance and unemployment to pay the bills. Even through he was working overtime and was clearing (as I found out later) over $1000 a week!!!
We setup another move date, and I was hoping he would change and would come to me with everything. He suddenly moves out Aug20th. He doesn’t call, doesn’t email. Just leaves with some stuff. He still had the key to the house so I was going crazy wondering what was going on. Then he finally writes me email, saying he was taking some stuff. He did, but not all he wanted. I changed the locks after that cause it was driving me crazy. I find out that he started dating a girl the next day after he moved out. I was in the meantime trying to get him back…I know, I know its crazy but I loved him still…….Then I find out he copied all my emails and voicemails and sent them to his new gf.
In less then 6 weeks he is now engaged to this firl, whom he denies having an affair with while married…..if he didn’t then he’s crazy because its been only siz weeks since they supposedly met….or his was having an affair and I didn’t know it….either way he is so totally wrong. He bought her a huge ring...small town, everyone is talking about it…..but how? How did he get the money, when he couldn't even pay the bills for the house and stuff? I mean, I was even paying the mortgage, insurance on the everything....I was paying everything!
God it hurts to be so deceived. It hurts to know that after all the sacrifice and counseling I went through to try to save us, I wasn't worth five seconds.......

Well after two months of tears and sorrow, I’ve decided to stop.
I'm worth MORE then that. I deserve MORE then that.
I will not cry over such a heartless man again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 10:25am

Good for you!! I know in time everything will work out with your postive attitude it won't take long. I didn't think I would ever get over him, and move on, but as time goes by everyday I feel better, and I know I can do it. Keep that postive attitude and it will work for you, Life is too short, to cry over spilt milk.

Stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 11:48am

Good for you! You will have a lot less worries when you don't have someone around that is so irresponsible with money, trust me I know. It's great not having to worry about when there's no work for the winter and having to worry about bill collectors taking money from the household account because the business account is empty for the winter. No more worrying about jobs not panning out and companies calling the house looking for their money. No more adding up his debit card receipts and not having anything left to pay bills or finding out he bought $100 worth of stupid baseball cards when the porch needs to be fixed. Sweet freedom.

I hope that you run out and do something special for yourself. Go for a nice walk, rent a movie with a nice dinner and glass of wine!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 11:30pm

I do believe that you've entered the next phase..... I know that you feel better about things now.


Just remember.... if there is a moment of sadness and tears that creeps in.... it's OK... you are on the right track.


Hang in there!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~