I think this is where we are headed.
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|Thu, 08-22-2013 - 7:35am|
I woke up in the middle if the night and can't sleep. My dh is sleeping downstairs, and it broke my heart to not find him in our bed. My heart is breaking and I'm in so much pain I can't stand it.
We've been together for 22 years, married for over 16. We met in college, got married after and have 4 children. we've had our shares of ups and downs, and have close to calling quits twice before. This time I don't think we are form to make it. My dh is a good man, he just isn't the best at dealing with his emotions. His own parents divorces as a preteen and it took many years of work to deal with residual issues from that. He's a very hard worker and takes pride in what he does, but I'm realizing that a lot of our problems stem from when things are not going well at all for him career wise. He can't handle it and just shuts down, checks out, whatever you want it. While we used to be affectionate early in our relationship, over the years we've both put up barriers. He needs space to decompress and I they very hard to give him that. When he comes home in a pissy mood, it's just not a person you want to deal with. just to clarify, he's bout abusive, just grumpy and needs space. The worse work is, the more spac he needs. its backfired on me because I think I've given him to much space. I have a hard time showing him affection because I'm scared of rejection, and not sure if he wants it. He is horrible acommunicating to me the timea that he needs it. You would thiknow that agree these many years we would be better at it, while it has we are obviously in trouble.
Another side effect if these bad work cycles is that he tends to develop friendships with another woman at the job. he's had girls as friethat before that I'm totally comfortable withI. My issue is when I feel it's interfering in him communicating to me. I don't know why he can open up to others and can't to me (except if he's drinking). maybe because more is at stake? We've fought over it before an it's taken him to trip realize the damage it's done to our marriage. In the past he was always open with me about their friendships. that doesn't mean I don't take action when I feel that gut instinct. I want to say that I'm pretty positive that they were not physical relationships, but the first one crosse lines into an emotional one in the sense that we was pushing me away.
the last several years have beeextremely hard work wise. The company e was with went bankrupt and be was in top management, so felt a lot of blame an guilt. after that he started up a company with some partners using his know how and their money. His salary was a fraction of before, but we wanted to give it a chance. It's been hard, momey has been so tight and we've incurred debt. while the business has been steadily growing, it wasn't turning a profit and the partners werent able to invest anymore. He's now lookin for a new job and is other partner will be stepping up. My dh will continue to help on the side. He feels a ton of guilt about not being a good provider, and I think it explains what happens. I'm not making excuses, just trying to give info.
i found out last night (after getting that icky gut feeling for a few weeks) thy he met a woman through the business, they exchanged numbers, and have been talking , texting, and have met up for lunch several times. He told me the only physical thing that happened was some hand holding over the table (I can't type that without feeling like I'm going to puke). He admitted to some previous lies he told me. He said he knew he was playing with fire and has felt guilty the entire time. some of our history has done a number to my self esteem. It makes me feel that I'm never going to be what he needs. he tends to develop friendships with girls that have similar characteristics, more athletic, runners, more outgoing. I'm bright, funny, a good friend, but it's not enough. Neither of us slept much, we covered a lot of ground. He said he checked out earlier this year because he thought I was having an affair (which was untrue, I wish he would have asked me back then.) he said that hes tired of this continuing cycle in our marriage and not sure he wants to try because its too hard. He did break things off with this woman because we need to work on this. He also told me this morning that he's been thinking about me pointing out that he does have a type and its got him wondering if I'm right. I hurt so bad, and have been taking anti anxiety meds I had to use when flying. I can't stop having crying jags and am so incredibly Angry. I've given him so many years of my life and its never good enough. I'm not sure I should just tell him it's over. We don't have the money to live separately. he says that he doesn't know if he can try anymore but doesn't want to lose our marriage. I looked into counseling today, its only partially covered after our high deductible is met, so wecant afford it. He tells me he's not sure he can be the husband I need him to be. I just so mad when I think that he'll leave and find someone else, and I'm alone with the kids for the rest of my life. After all this, I don't think I ever want to be this vulnerable to another man. Here come the tears again. Please help me.