I want out -- my H has no clue !

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2012
I want out -- my H has no clue !
Mon, 01-16-2012 - 5:50pm
Hi everyone! To start, we've been married almost 8 years, together 9.5. We have a 6 and 5 year old. A little background, I was coming out of a very short first marriage.. met H online (not a dating site), talked for about 5 months online, we lived in different countries. I was divorced from xH in mid Aug, 2 weeks later my current H flew over and pretty much never left. Looking back, I think he was my rebound guy. We were very happy in the beginning, not going to deny that. But a few years into the M, we just grew apart, or maybe it was just me growing apart. I know I'm not without my faults; but I'm tired of the constant bickering, we have nothing in common, I can't handle his laziness anymore, his self image is shot because he just doesn't care - in turn, making me completely not attracted to him, he's controlling, OCD, among some other issues... BUT he is a good father, a good husband, he helps around the house, he means well, he's a good provider, he really is a good guy, just not the guy for me. It's not for lack of affection on his part, he's extremely affectionate; actually it's me pushing him away. I want nothing to do with holding his hand, or snuggling in bed and a big H3LL to the no with wanting sex. I give it up out of pure pity. Pity poon!! I feel like I'm sleeping with my brother. *shudders at thought* I want to bring up going to MC - but the thing is, my heart isn't in it anymore. I don't *want* to try, isn't that terrible?? I'm not a believer in staying in the marriage for the kids. I've wanted to leave or ask him to for at least 3 years now, but never know how to broach the subject because he has absolutely no idea. I've tried talking to him, in one ear and out the other. He obviously isn't getting my signals with backing off or lack of interest. I love him, but not IN love with him, cliche I know. but very true. About 7 months ago, I started having an A, completely unplanned. I know it's wrong, but it sure doesn't feel wrong. It's actually kind of the kick in the a$$ I need to get me moving to actually go thru with asking H to leave. With or without the A, I would eventually be going thru with it. I would want a divorce for me, not for anyone else.. just to get that out there. Plus the fact that my H is from another country, I worry he'd take the kids since they're dual citizens. I'm scared to do it -but I want to do it ! H would be absolutely devastated, shocked and heartbroken. I don't know how to tell him, nor do I want to hurt him. Any thoughts??
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 01-16-2012 - 6:55pm


So you're having an affair. Hmmmm, sounds like a repeat of what happened 9.5 years ago. You aren't out of one relationship or barely are, and you're right into another one. Tell me? When are you going to stop running into another man's arms hoping "this one" will be the "right one?"

Yes, to MC. Big time. You'll have to stop your affair of course. Doesn't matter if you want out or not. You need to put your full attention on your marriage. Here's why: YOU - and I repeat YOU - need to figure out why you "decide" you're not happy after a certain period of time with a guy. Granted, we're only hearing your side of the story. Granted, your husband is probably flaws. Ahem, and so are you. I bet he could make an equally irritating list of things about YOU.

MC will at least give you the opportunity to be honest with your husband and with an objective professional to help you sort things out. He deserves an opportunity to hear what you're unhappy about and be given an equal opportunity to respond. You also need to get your priorities straight so you can have a good relationship well you co-parent your children. Because, the bottom line is this: The two of you will be in one another's lives FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES because you have children together. You will never be in a position to be completely free of your husband or he of you because of your kids.

So MC is absolutely a good idea so you can have a good relationship.

Personally, I hope you grow up and decide to act like an adult and take responsibility for your life and your choices so you can keep your family intact. You can be happy if you stop relying on someone else to do the job for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Wed, 01-18-2012 - 10:36am

Hi munkeybiz and welcome to the board.