I was a fool again/I need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
I was a fool again/I need help
7
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 12:48pm
Well hi again, I am back.... I need to be hit in the head with a 2x4..... my husband and i talked two weeks ago, he said he wanted to make things work for us, so like an idiot I fell for it again, he said he was going to a conseler which he is... but didn't want to move back in yet until things were better with him, he has MANY issues...so in two weeks I thought things where great, he told me to find a place for a second honeymoon, we where going out having a great time... well yesterday he didn't call me so I called and he was very distant. last night i wrote him a note and told him that i think something is wrong that he needs to be honest with me.. I love this man very much even after all he has done to me, he has left about 4 times, once I paid for divorce and the night before he wanted back...when will I learn... so last night i wrote him, well this morning I got my response, it was : I tried to make myself believe I was happy but I'm not and I don't see this working out, I sorry plese forgive me... and that was it.... I am again devestated.. how much can one person take...I know the answer already, it's as much as I let him give.. I really need to get off this roller coaster, I had to leave work I was so upset. Please any advice would be helpful.. I need to stop this for my own sanity or I will lose it real soon... I know I deserve better... Sorry I need some help to get me past this. thank you... I am sorry I need to vent....oh and by the way I'm not a young women I should now better I'm 53, and have been with this man for 8 yrs...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 3:10pm
My husband has been doing the same thing.......and I kept falling for it......I finally programmed my phone to say "Do Not Answer" instead of his name when he called just to remind me that if I answered, I asked for it. I only did this for about a week because my kids started catching on, but it really helped............
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 3:20pm
thanks amie, but how do we stop falling for this? I can't let him do it again, I have lost all self respect.... I am at the bottom..... I need to do more then program my phone, if I could only program myself.....LOL... thanks atleast I know i'm not alone.. hope everything works out for you as well...
Avatar for sweetpea1981
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 8:30pm
My ex has done this to me probably 5x in the last 2 years. I kept taking him back because each time I would think that this time it would be different. He would do the same thing. Tell me he wanted back and within a short time he would pull himself back and I would know it was coming. Each time was so horrible. The last time however he left after a fight. I didn't cry or even feel bad. I went right to sleep and that is the first time in our relationship (eight years) that I was ever able to go to sleep after a fight. I didn't talk to him for about a week and when I did he said we shouldn't be together. I got angry with him but I think only because that was the routine because deep inside I really didn't care. That was the only time I didn't feel like S**t over us not working out. Now I feel so free. I know that I have no desire to be with him at all. It sounds like you aren't quite in that place yet but you will be. Eventually it comes to the point to were your heart wont let you care. Everyone has there different ways of dealing with things but you will get to that point and it is the best feeling in the world.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 8:42pm
Thank you Sweetpea for the words of encouragement,I only hope that I can get to that place soon, because if I don't I think I will lose every bit of sanity I have. I know what I am doing is sooooooo wrong but i can't help myself. then i feel like it's my fault because I let him back....so I deserve the hurt I get.... Love is a horrible thing it rules our heart not our mind... if I could think with my mind and not my heart maybe I would be better off...I sometimes find it hard to believe that I am a smart educated women, because I behave like a young idiot...Believe me I have beat myself up over this. I really need to move on, but I just cant.... I need HELP.... you sound very together now and i hope i reach that point also... I am glad that things worked out for you. Thank you for the kind words....Kathy
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 8:47pm

Hi Kathy,


We keep going back because we want to believe they really want to stay, to try to make things work, to meet our every hope that they won't leave.


Sometimes, we're codependent, we think we can rescue them one more time (or they will rescue us) and everything will be just great. Trouble is, we wind up just allowing them to use us one more time and we become enablers of their bad behavior. Your husband will keep raising your hopes and dashing them as long as you allow him to think you'll take him back. It's tough to say no, but it's what you have to do.


I strongly encourage you to find a counselor who can help you deal with your personal issues related to codependence and a support group with others who suffer from the same problem. It will help you see that you're not alone and that there are ways to cope. Most of all, you'll find support when you find yourself caving in if there's a "next time."


Take care and keep us posted.


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 9:02pm
I totally agree with everything you say, I went to consuling before and I believe I need to go back, that I will do tomorrow call my insurance company and then set up an appointment...Thank you it really helps to read this and listen to people who have gone through the same thing. I will be back and keep you posted, thanks again
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 9:24am

K;

I just read your post, and does my heart go out to you!!

I'm Laurene, relatively new to the board, and newly divorced, just one week ago.

Age doesn't keep you from being hurt!! Try not to beat yourself up.

You're at the point where you can make some positive choices and changes in your life. Yes, these decisions will hurt. Accepting that it took 2 people to get to the point that you are at in your relationship, and not taking all of the blame onto yourself will help.

Divorce is not an easy decision, nor is it easy to go through. You've got a lot on your mind right now, and it I know it seems as though you are overwhelmed. Try to take it one day at a time. Give yourself the time that you need to deal with your emotions, to get yourself in the frame of mind that you need to be, to move on, will help.

Do you have a support system? This really, really helps!!

I hope that your day is better!!

Take care, remember we're here!!
Laurene