I wasn't angry. Why am I angry now??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2007
I wasn't angry. Why am I angry now??
2
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 7:42pm

Hey, Everyone!

I'm new to this board and just wanted to talk a bit and get some advice. I broke up with my STBXH a little over a year ago. My divorce will be final on Oct. 28. We were together for 10 years, married for 8 of those years. We have no kids.

We split up because I couldn't take his lifestyle choices anymore. He had become addicted to almost anything someone can get addicted to--porn, strippers, drugs, and gambling. I also found out he had cheated on me with at least two prostitutes. We went to counseling, but eventually, he just said he didn't want to be married anymore.

He moved away but continues to call and wants to be friends. A couple of times, he has called me crying and wondering if we did the right thing. A couple of weeks ago, he called and said what a wonderful wife I'd been as I'd tried to give him his space and accepted him for who he is.

I don't think I've felt much pain in the last year. I have started dating again, and the man I am with is wonderful. We're exclusive and have begun talking about a future together. The past couple of weeks, though, I've experienced intense pain and sadness over the loss of STBXH. I don't want him back. I don't love him anymore. I am just extremely sad at what his addictions did to my self-esteem. I am always so worried now that my boyfriend will do the same thing to me, and I don't want to punish him for my STBXH's wrongs.

What I'm wondering is: Why am I getting angry and hurt now? Why did it take a year for me to feel this? Is that something that others have gone through? It really hurts! And I'm just angry at how he has made me come to doubt myself, others, and the idea of marriage and love.

Thanks for any advice or comments.

Holly

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 12:09pm

Hey there hollywood,

You should take a look over at the love addicts/co-dependants board, it is also on this site.

You were married to an addict. As you are gaining distance (by virtue of expired time and by physical speration), you will process many emotions. I think your anger is a very healthy sign for you. I hope you can find a good outlet to vent your anger without harming yourself: emotionally or physically.

I'd really try to stop all contact with stbx. That may seem difficult to do, but in the long run, you will be better off. Stbx has yet to hit rock bottom, so he represents a real danger to you and your well-being.

I would also put off dating for a while -- I think you should wait at least two years from the date your divorce is finalized (so start dating on Oct 29, 2009). The cold truth is that you have lived with an addict for ten years. Your emotional/mental state have been harmed, and you need time to process everything, learn and move on. You need to understand and learn why you accepted life with an addict for ten years -- lets face it, stbx treated you like crap the entire time and you put up with it.

I've been in your shoes, I know. Besides, a relationship right now WILL end badly.

Stay with your emotions, let yourself feel them. Learn to forgive yourself. Seek out therapy if you have the means. Your life will be so much better off.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2007
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 9:29pm

Thanks, ON, for the message.

I've been going to therapy for a couple of years, so I know I won't hurt myself emotionally or physically. In fact, I had detached myself from my STBX years before the actual separation, but what I feared most was moving out on my own for money's sake (a bad reason, I know, but I was really just trying to figure out how to make things work).

I was married to an addict, and there is a lot of pain and healing associated with that. The worst part, I think, is that he does not see that he is an addict. His family was always in denial, too, as we live so far away from them that there's no way they could know unless I told. I tried to tell his mother once of my concerns, but she believed him when he said he didn't have any problems. I really would like to end all contact with STBX, and I'm almost at that stage. I only talk to him about once a month now--usually to let him know he'll be receiving more paperwork for the soon-to-be-finalized divorce.

As for dating again, I know that many people say that you should wait X amount of time before dating again. I've talked about this countless times with my therapist, who actually thinks it's okay for me to go out on dates as long as things are super-serious. I know I still have healing, but I've come a long way, and like I said, I've been detached for quite a while from my STBX. I know many relationships after divorce end badly, especially if they're rushed into, but I don't really see this one going that way. I'm, of course, being cautious, but I think both of us (since we've both gone through recent divorces) just want to have fun and enjoy each others' company. Sure, we've discussed the possibility of a future, but we'd never rush into it. We're both a bit older and wiser now, and we have learned what didn't work in our previous relationships. We feel we both deserve love and respect that we didn't get from our spouses, and we didn't want to have to follow any guidelines or deadlines of when we should or shouldn't date. As my therapist said, everyone heals at different rates, and as long as I'm aware and cautious and not just blindly following my heart without consulting my head, it should be fine. I'm trying to stay focused on having fun in the moment rather than project too far ahead. So, I completely understand your recommendation to wait two years, but I feel that I was deprived and detached for so long, that having someone to hang out with and fun with is such a welcome thing for now. But I will be careful!

Thanks, again!