I will survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
I will survive
2
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 11:30pm
I need some advice and support. My divorce will be final next month. My husband filed for divorce 18 months ago. I moved back home last March, but he just wanted to be roomates and "see" how things went. I was still in love with him and told him it was too hard to just be friends and decided to move out. I begged him to go ahead and file for the final papers. 1 month later he told me he had an affair and the woman was pregnant with his twins. This woman is mentally unstable and no one can be sure the twins are his. He never had anything but a sexual relationship with her and does not want a relationship with her now. I have been very supportive of him since this came out...even though I took the news really hard. We have joint custody of our 3 sons, but they live with him. I live a few miles from them. The problem is that I am still in love with him and he knows that. He wants us to be best friends. He wants us to have family dinners, one-on-one dates, and he still wants to "make love" to me. I have repeatedly told him that it's too hard for me to be this close. He then gets angry and mean. I have also told him that it's too hard to have sex with him, but that I'm not strong enough to say no. I have asked him to stop making these advances. He does for a little while, then we fall into the same trap. He says he loves me, but is not in love with me. He says that maybe one day we can get back together, but right now he doesn't want to live with me. Christmas Eve he cried and told me he loved me, and asked if I would be his friend and help him with these twins once they are born. I am so confused!! I am really lost without him, I miss our boys, I miss my home. I try not to call him, not to be friendly to him, but then I lose it.
Does anyone have any advice on how to "exorcize" this man from my heart???
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 2:08am
So sorry you have to go through this. you will get lots of help and advice and hugs on thie board.
My STBX just filed for divorce and there is another woman. He used my for 28 years I guess so he could be near his kids is what he told me after all these years and that he is IN LOVE with this OW. I broke down and had sex with him the other night. so I know what you mean. Mine stopped telling me he loved me when the other woman came into the pictures.
I dont know your situation but I do know that had I known he really didnt love me all those years I would have left. But he was an emotional and verbal abuser, twice physical abuse and so I got so hooked on the traumatic attachment .......its a bond that is almost impossible to get out of.
I will never have anything to do with another man if does not love me completely .....
I cannot stand the games my STBX played and now this OW has ripped my heart out but I am getting better.
I am not sure what to say to you . This is so sad when then go out , break their marriage vows then want us to help them FIX it.
YOu know this man is doing you a real disfavor by letting you live elsewhere while he is in the home and with your kids.
I went back to my H cause I missed the kids and they were with him for a while. now look I am much older and he has found the true love of his life (Barf)
He is mean to you sometimes and then lures you back in. so perhaps you are getting the intermittent reinforcement that has a bond like super glue, like a rat in a cage who gets only the occasional bite it creates a terribly powerful bond. but it can be so painful.
Keep talking on the board .....and about your relationship with your H. Do you think he is mentally, verbally, or emotionally abusive. I cant answer that for you but I would guess beings he doesnt want you back in the marital home with your kids but he wants to have sex with you?
I think he is using you. but to get out of this BOND you will need counseling whether it is on this board or in books etc.
We just dont stop loving these men even if they rip our heart out so its a complicated thing,. hang in there. and keep posting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 7:01am

I think that you should definitely find a counselor and start working on yourself. It sounds like all of your strength (and self-esteem) has been stompped all over! I think that a professional could help you sort out your feelings and figure out the deep-seated reasons why you are so drawn to him. I'm sorry that you are going through this.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

S