I will survive....but how?
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| Sat, 08-25-2007 - 11:11pm |
Hi, my name is Cyndi. I am new here. My husband filed for divorce after being with him for almost 16 years. Here are the events that led up to me finding out he filed for divorce.
On June 30th, my three kids and I rode with my husband to North Carolina to meet my Father-in-law. My Father-in-law was taking the kids and I back down to Florida so that I ould show Emily, our new baby to his family and our friends. My husband dropped us off and we were on our way to a two week vacation, or so I thought.
My husband went home and looked at PORN online.
On July 1st he placed a personal add on Adultfriendfinders.com
On July 3rd he placed a Personal on Yahoo.
On July 8th and 9th he talked with some tramp.
On July 11th he filed for DIVORCE.
On July 14th that tramp sent him revealing photos of herself to his email address.
All during this time we spoke everyday, sometimes multiple times and told each other that we loved each other. It was unknown to me what was actually happening.
On July 15th he brought her back to our home and slept with her in our bed.
On July 17th, at about 2:30 in the morning, I returned home to tell him how much I hated him and how I wish he were dead.
I do not understand life at all. I do not understand how a person can spend 15 years of their life with someone and have it be gone in the blink of an eye. I feel as if our life together was just a lie. After the events of the past six days, I do not know what was real and true or what was a lie. I am so confused I can't think straight half the time.
My husband says that he married me because he felt sorry for me, because I was alone and pregnant. He says that the only reason he stayed with me for so long is because he couldn't afford the child support...If that is true then why did he create another life to support? He said that he hasn't loved me for a long, long time. He says that he hasn't loved me since before we bought our first house (which was in December 2003). If this is true, then why did he come to me and tell me that he wanted to have a baby? He says that all the times that we fought and were going to seperate or divorce- that he only got back together with me because he felt sorry for me. That he was only with me so he could see his kids. How can you live with a person for four years and not love them but, tell them that you do?
I hate him for what he has done to my life and the lives of our children. I hate hime. I hate him for the way he has handled the last 15+ years and this divorce. I have been living with a stranger and didn't even know it.
He disliked everything about me. He has put me down in every way possible, now and over the years we have spent together. He says that I was a bad lover, that our sex life was boring. He has told me that I am a bad housekeeper and that he hated living in our mess. He says that he was happy while we were gone in Florida because the house was clean and the kids didn't have stuff laying around. He has put down my Mothering abilities- but yet he came to me and made another baby! He has putdown my employment skills and the fact that I have not maintained a long term job. But, the truth of the matter is that his work and his school always came first and I always stayed home with the kids.
I am so crushed that I don't know how to go on. Some days I hate him, other days I wish we could just work things out. But he says that he never wants to be with me again. I think he is having way to much fun with his online dating, phone sex and casual sex with strangers. I feel like the most terrible person in the world because the man that I married and wanted to spend the rest of my life with doesn't want me any more. How do I go on? How do I live life without him?
~C

I am sorry you are experiencing this pain. I know how hard it is--the betrayal, the shock, the fear of the unknown.
As hard as it may be to do this right now, try if you can to imagine that a close friend of yours came to you and said what you just posted here--that her husband was having casual sex, that he posted personal ads, that he claimed to not have loved her for years. Would you think she is a horrible person for losing her husband? I am quite sure you would not, and yet you are turning your anger into self-loathing. Would you urge your friend to try to make it work? Or would you try to assure her that she deserves so much better?
You may not have been the world's best housekeeper. You may have made mistakes. You may not look like a supermodel. You may not swing from the chandeliers when making love. But I can tell you this: what has happened to you is not because there is something wrong with YOU. This has happened because your husband has something missing inside of him, something he is trying to fill up with all the wrong things. The very best thing you can do is what all of us here are trying to do--to focus on ourselves, on our children if we have them, and on getting through each day as best we can. Do your best not to relive every word, every occurrance, every painful date.
You are not a horrible person, and you are not alone. All my best to you.
As has been said, we've been there. My h of over 30 years became much the same way after 25 years of marriage. I thought I would literally die, and was headed that way health wise. I couldn't eat or sleep and was having anxiety attacks. He wasn't into other women or sex, but got very mean verbally and emotionally. For 25 years we didn't even argue, then after a major conflict in his family, he treated me like the enemy. I was stupid, lazy, fat, blah, blah, blah. I've been living on my own for 13 months now. He is no longer the man I fell in love with, married, and literally spent a lifetime with. But I still feel robbed. We were supposed to grow old together, we were supposed to share our WHOLE life together. He was supposed to love me "warts and all" for all my life. Oh, he says he will always love me, he just can' t live with me...yeah right. That's how I treat people I care about.
This past weekend I went to visit our grown son and his family. Driving home I got really depressed. There's so much H & I could be sharing now, even after all these years. But he doesnt' want me anymore. I had to work really hard at remembering all the bad things that went on before I moved out, but I did remember. No longer do I have to listen to insults, or be totally ignored for days. No one yells at me or tells me I am stupid, lazy or fat. I sleep better than I have in years. I have started eating healthier and exercising more, and losing weight in a healthy way. I am still feeling robbed of the years I had expected to go a certain way with the man who had been my best friend since high school. But now I have a different future to look toward. I can decorate MY home any way I want to. I come and go as I please, and have whomever I want into my home. I can eat all the veggies I like. I HAVE CONTROL OF THE REMOTE!! My money is mine to spend any way I want-and all my bills are paid on time for the first time in years.
What I'm saying, beloved, is there is life after abuse and neglect, and life after the initial shock wears off. Sometimes we don't realize we are abused til we step back from it and get a clear view. Your real friends will help you thru this, the others don't really matter. And you will find out who your real friends are. I have not filed for d yet as I can't afford it right now, and h won't file or pay. But the day is coming, and I still dread it. As I said, I feel robbed. I am learning to live without H, and you can to. There will be days, probably forever, that I miss the man I married. But I know he's not there any more. Instead there is a bitter, angry and vengeful man in his body.
In a way you are lucky. You have children to think about and care for. They will keep you grounded and working at getting thru this. Being totally alone can be quite a challenge in itself some days. You hang in there, and take care of yourself and your kids. Give yourself some time, grieve the loss of your marriage for what it is, the death of a covenant. It's ok to be angry, sad, confused, whatever. Deal with the emotions in a healthy way, and you will get thru it.
My prayers are with you.
T.
OMG, your story sounds so much like mine. My husband of 16 years told me in January that he wanted a divorce and had told me about it six years ago but was waiting for our boys (now 12 and 14) to be older. I went into shock. Couldn't eat or sleep for weeks. Lost 40 pounds and only started eating at the insistence of my 14 year old. I wouldn't admit it, but finally did find out he was having an affair with another woman we both knew (the mother of one of our boys' friends - how disgusting is that?) We have a lot of financial issues but he has filed and my lawyer is responding. I don't know how long it will take but I really don't want this to move forward.
I know exactly what you are sayign when you feel that you were cheated of the life you expected. I lost it at the grocery store once when I saw an older couple pushing their cart and discussing their purchases. It sounds stupid, but it is what I wanted and now I'll never have it.
In my state when a divorce is filed both parties have to attend a parenting class if children are involved. When they found out both my kids wanted to know why I had to attend. They knew why their father did, but couldn't figure out why I had to go. I'm the one holding the fort and he is playing "Disney Dad" with gifts and trips and days out. They know he's bribing them and we've discussed how they should just enjoy it andnot to expect anything more from him.
It is frightening to realize you have lived with a stranger for years. I hate mine too and also wish that it wouldn't happen and I am scared to death. I miss him.
M
I don't know if this helps or not. I hope whatever you do that you find peace for yourself and your children. There are better days ahead!
This is really strange for me to actually write something about this. I've been reading posts on this board and many others for over a year, yet never replied to any.
I've been divorced since 5/17/07, and though I still go through all kinds of criticisms of myself, doubts, etc. (redundant???), I want everyone to know:
You NEVER should think that it's your fault.
We need to remember what we have within ourselves.
You CAN do this!
You WILL be better off afterwards!
and - You will really LIKE yourself! (back to me, that's what I could never have imagined.)
Dear curvingdestiny:
I can really relate to your revelation because I have recently been separated and currently facing the most difficult time of my life. I am constantly struggling through moments of sadness,emtiness, lonliness and endless amounts of crying. My mind keeps thinking about the good times we shared and how much I love him and our family. I feel very helpless and alone to the point that there are times when I feel my heart beating rapidly and my chest feel tight and breath is short. I walk around at home and out with the kids wondering around aimlessly and like a zombie. I feel this way because I am still in love with my husband and like yourself having a hard time believing and accepting the fact that he could end our marriage in the blink of an eye and still insist on lying to me about his ongoing cheating and affair. Realizing all this I still forgive and love him unconditionally because of the children I have with him and that I have been their full time care giver since we got married. i feel useless, helpless and emotionally trapped.
how do we get ourselves out of this situation? Please help.