i wish............

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
i wish............
5
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 10:18pm

i could take my own advice. i wish i was a strong as i want to be. i wish i could stand up to my stbx and tell him to go to h*ll.

he's out of control. one minutes he's berating me for my A, (which i haven't admitted to) then he tells me i'm the love of his life and he cannot live without me. i am so sad that i am getting a divorce. but i have no other alternatives. i must be true to myself and my children. i just told madison to "put on her oxygen mask first". i want to take my own advice, but i am beaten down.

my mom was telling me tonight about her parents. her father was an alcoholic and her mother was his "verbal/sexual punching bag". i barely remember my grandmother, she died when i was very young, (at age 60 of cancer). apparently she had a very hard life, and her children suffered because of it. i don't want my kids to suffer living in a home with a drunk. but he's beating me down, i can feel it, i am tired, so scared, so alone. i have a great family, (they live about 4 hours from me), and i have so many friends and a great support system, but i feel so alone. i was so happy yesterday. i felt strong, full of hope, but today, tired and so very sad.

i want off the rollercoaster. but its an endless ride.

what

what
Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 11:19pm

it is way easier to give the advice... but the important thing is that you are realizing that you need to take your own advice... so you are hearing the true voice... unfortunately emotions and other complications can cloud that voice and sometimes make us act differently than we normally would... take some deep breaths and try to re-center...

Wishing you smooth coasting, with fewer ups and downs...

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 8:01am

I know, it is much easier to give advice that take it! I put up with ridiculous and awful behavior from my ex, and it was STILL hard for me to end the marriage, even though I was miserable and mistreated. I didn't end up following through with the divorce until I filed for the second time. Trust me, I know the pain is intense now, but it is better to go through it now and eventually move on to a decent, peaceful life than postpone the inevitable and have to go through all of this again in a few years.

Your emotions changing are totally normal. I remember waking up when I was separated feeling absolutely wonderful and happy, while other days, I was terrified and and felt so alone in the world. This is all part of the healing process. I know this is the hard part, but you will move through it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 12:44pm

My dear, I feel a special kinship since we don't live far from each other. Please, just ride out this low spot and rest and be reassured you will feel strong again. You are doing the right thing to protect your children and yourself. Yes, it is still a rollercoaster, but you are in control of so much more of the ride than you would be if you were still living with him.

Remember what he left you with: foreclosure, bankruptcy, depression (I would assume), miserable kids ... it won't all get better over night, but as you slowly detach your lives from his it should get better, with lots of sad, tough moments. The court gave you what you needed, including restrictions on his contacting you, right? I know it may be hard to get that enforced (more fighting), but at least you have the system on your side.

If he ever goes back to work you also will get child support, right?

It IS miserable, I know. So many losses, big and small -- I notice them as an ache several times a day. My emotions are all over the place, too, from anger, to a sense of freedom, from fear to hope. You name it!

It should not have to happen, I know; his failure to take responsibility has cost you and your children so much you should never have had to pay -- on every level -- no wonder all of us who go through this have such a rollercoaster experience.

Hugs to you and check in any time!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 1:26pm

m

thank you, i will send you an email. also, thanks to all who have responded, not only to this thread but my others as well.

i am off to the bookstore to try and find some books that will help me cope with all of this change and disruption. i am considering attending the al-anon meeting tonight. it is close to my community, so i am not sure if i want to go or not. i may need to find another that meets in a town close by. i really don't want to sit there with people who live in my community or go to school with my kids. is that wrong?

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 8:55pm

It's always easier to give advice... than to take our own (trust me.... I've seen me do it!)


Hang in there!

Karen ~ wildlucky4me


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~