I would like to vomit now ...
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| Mon, 03-07-2005 - 3:19pm |
2 hours ago THIS is what i was going to tell you - Good news:
My freind went with me today. We saw STBX immedietly & he waved & mouthed "Thank you" to me pointing to his suit jacket (i had gieven it to BIL for him). He did sort of hang around & stare are us, but we were far enough away i didnt care. Then my atty came in & basically for 2.5 hours, we sat & the attys went back & forth to eachother, to see if we would keep from being heard in court. This was a hearing for the RO *and* for temporary divorce hearing orders. Twice during the wait, STBX came within FIVE FEET & sat next to me. He wandered by to & fro, smiling, waving, looking sheepish off & on. My freind called it "stalking". We were getting pretty uncomfrotable at 1 point, then i saw HIS own atty tell him to get away from us. & he had to remind him about 30' later as well. I mean, there were 8 beches around a BIG waiting area, & he chooses the one 5 ft in front of, & facing me? Please! So, i was asking for:
(Temporary orders until yet another hearing in April)
1. sole physical custody of Averey w/ SUPERVISED visitation for him
2. child support
3. Exclusive use of the house
& whatever else, minor stuff.
My atty came back & said "they agreed to everything, BUT, not the supervised visitation. He says he cared well for her & they are very close, & he doesnt feel he needs to be supervised". I, & my freind, DID get the feeling from my atty that he thought maybe i should back down on that issue. I said "That is THE most important thing right now. He has a horrible history of emotional abuse to her, to get to me, there is NO way i am backing down & if i need to, i will happily sit in front of the judge & read him all of THIS ... " (& i pulled out the 7 pages of history, already highlighted for the thinsg he did that involved dd). & also, i want him to attend counseling for divroced parents who emotionally use their children (i know of a program here) & he did agree to that, but only if we go jointly, & i said that was fine ... b/c actally, THEN he cant lie about what he has done or hasnt done). Oh! One more LITTLE ;) thing . all THEY asked for? "Marriage counseling". Uh, HELLO? I am thinking 8 years of THAT was enough. I said no, obvioulsy. But it just goes to show how in denial he was. I mean, our marriagr therapist refuses to see him since Oct b/c he was so bad in session! Now, at this point teh attys were talking, STBX totally changed his demeanor, he walked by us, very close to us, cleared his throat VERY loudly & GLARED at me, gritting his teeth & shaking his head at me. Nice ... guess the supervised visitation request & my refusing counseling pissed him off ... we saw those true colors.
So, anyway, after my atty went back to them, he came back & said "Ok, they are agreeing to supervised visitation". (note: the womens resource center was SHOCKED, she said that STBX's Atty NEVER EVER gives that up without a fight. They felt that the "reputation" of my atty helped in at least that respect).
So, at that point i had sole custody, his agreement to go to the parent couseling, his agreement for supervised visitation, & for now, instead of child support, he would still be depositing his $400 week pay into our joint account - & we woudl work out child support instead, next month when we go. All these orders are temporary until the next hearing.
So, wheres the BAD part?: My atty hands me a peice of paper that says something about the restraining order being dismissed - signed by the judge & the court clerk. I was dumbfounded & asked what it meant. He said, & i QUOTE (confrimed by my freind) "No, this is just the NO CONTACT part of the Restraiing order dropped. This way, you can contact each other ONLY for situations concerning yoru daighter, arranging visistation, etc". I asked TWICE, "So, the RO is STILL in effect, but we can have phone contact abotu visits & Averey, & then we are able to see eachotehr for pick up & drop offs only for visits". Yes, he said, "The RO will stay in place". Fine. So, STBX walks by, smiles & waves & mouths "Thank you".
I then get home to a phone message from STBX. "Hi R, thank you for dropping the RO. I miss you & please tell Averey I love her". I was like "?????". So, i called him & said this:
"I am calling to arrange a visit for Averey for tonite at Jims house. I just want you to know that the NO CONTACT order is dropped, so we can discuss ONLY Averey, the RO is still in effect & that means you cant call me, harrass me .." he cut me off & said "I wont do that. I promise. Thank you". I started talking about teh visit & he cuts in & says "What are you doing? Do you really want to drag this all thru court? Is there anyway we are going to be able to work this out?" I said "You mean visitation?" He said "No, you really want to go thru w/ divorce?" I said "Yes, & this is breaking the RO, i am only calling you to talk about visitation". He said "This is giong to get very messy then" ... threatening of course. I reiterated the rules of the RO & said "do you or do you not want to see Averey?" & he got upset, yelling & said "I cant think of that right now, i have to talk to my atty about it" & he hung up. I mean, we JUST had left court w/ the agreement on visitation!????
He called back 2 minutes later & said (sort of yelling) "You really want to do this? You want to drag this all thru court & spend all kinds of money, you really want a divorce?" I said "M, i have filed for divorce. The ONLY issue is whether or not you want to set up visits for your daughter, she asks for you everyday" ... he responded "NO! You took her away from me!!! This is going to get ugly!" & he hung up. I was so sad b/c i thought b4 these phone calls "Great! He is willing to follow the orders, & Ave will be SO thrilled she can see him, tonite!"
So ... i called my atty's office to report that & atty wasnt back yet, but his asst said "Well, we will call his atty & be sure he EXPLAINS to his client, what orders are & arent in affect. & that that was breaking the RO".
So ... THEN i re-read the paper the atty gave me in court. I made some calls, & then went back down to the court house. Well, GUESS WHAT? There ***IS NO*** R.O. OR NO CONTACT ORDER in affect any longer, at ALL! They freaking cancelled them all!!! Apparently all that exsists is the MOTION for the order, to be help April 12th! So as of this minute, i have NO protection at all until April 12th. & i have NOTHING in writing that i have sole physical custody OR that he cannot come into the house! Even though those terms were agreed by all parties, the clerk told me that "unless the attys ask for an immediete order written, it will take a few days to get that on paper". I am LIVID beyond imagination. Of course, my atty is still in court now in another city & they cant get him. The court clerk told me that he will need to file a motion to reinstate the orders, BUT, they will have to book it for a court date as soon as possible ... likely a few days at best! My atty's assistant said "I dont know when or if i will see Jerry (atty) today, but i will certainly see him tomorrow & disucss this". I mean, HELLO? He is the top RI divorce atty, $350/hour i pay him w/ a 5K retainer ... does he NOT have a cell phone or pager or something? As far as *I* am concerned, this constitutes an emergency. If STBX were to find out that there is no order in effect, he can come here, he can come in the house, he can pick Averey up from school ... & it would be OK! I am pretty sure, from what it SOUNDS like, that the JUDGE screwed up, not understanding what they were asking for ... so there is a good chance even Mikes atty doesnt know its not in affect ... but i woudl THINK *MY* attorney SHOULD have realized that!!!!!
So, thats been my LOVELY day. I am calling my atty's office back at 4:30 if i havent heard anything. & the WOmens Resource center said "if for some reason your atty cannot do this in the next 2 days, call us & we will get Legal Aid to look at it". Needless to say, I HAVE A HEADACHE!
Thanks for listening, at least now i have it all typed out for my own documentation.
R~


OK - He JUST called me saying that *I* had better talk to MY lawyer, b/c HE just spoke to HIS & there IS no restraining order in place. & that I am keeping his daughter from him & all HE is doing is trying to save our marriage .... i told him THERE IS NO MARRIAGE anymore... but he could still save his realtionship w/ his dd ... he kept saying "no, YOU took her away. & ther person YOU chose to do the supervised visitation isnt acceptable (uh, its HIS best freind! But i trust the guy implicetly) - i dont NEED it, & she will KNOW, belive me, that you took her away from me". I told him "The visitation is court ordered, theres nothing you can do to change that". He said "You want to spend 30K on fighting all this?" & i said "Just remember, the longer it takes & the more you fight, the LESS you end up with in the end". Then he started going nutz on teh phone so i hung up.
I just called my attys assistant, LIVID, & she told me "i am sure Jerry PLANS to re-file" ... i told her the conversation that just ensued b/w me & Mike & that "THIS IS EXACTLY WHY that order is SUPPOSSED to still be in place - he could come here right now, he could go get our daughter RIGHT now, & NOTHING is stopping him!" ... she said "I will fax his atty RIGHT NOW telling them to have him stop harassing you or you will be in court tomorrow AM". & i told her "Yes, i will, with the Womens resource center if the need be". She said she will try her best to get in contact w/ the atty.
& i am not answering my phone in case its him if it rings!
Situation rectified! Attys asst was able to actually speak w/ my atty. They assured me that Restraining order IS in effect ... what paper I have is telling me that the original one is no longer in effect & that the new one is being "drawn up" & will be in the court file in the AM. Thats why the court clerk didnt see anything in there. But, i asked him "Well, if its not IN the file, what GOOD does it do me". He said that b/c it IS in effect, he must follow it & if he doesnt, then he is breaking it - period." I told him that M told me his atty said the order wasnt in effect ... & the asst told me that just isnt true. Someone was either mistaken (maybe his atty) or lying (STBX). So suppossedly, M now has been told the RO is in effect, still.
One thing this has taught me, this whole "you can communicate but only about your dd & visitation" just ISNT going to work in this case, not right now! I told the my attys asst that & she said "They are claiming that you instigated these phone calls today". & i said "*I* did what i was told to do, call M 1 time, to arrange visitation for tonite". HE then started being vindictive & threatening, & he called ME 2 more times." She said she will be calling his atty in the AM to tell him exactly everything M said to me. She also said "& they said he cant make visitation tonite", well, DUH! He refused it! She said she would also talk to his atty about THAT as well, since not hours b4, he agreed AND its now court ordered.
So, i am still not happy this all happened like it did, seems loose ends were left, or at least SEEM to have been left by someone (either my atty or the judge or the clerk), but in the end, the RO is in effect. & i learned a VALUABLE lesson. We agreed that from now on, ALL communication WILL be via our attys or emial & only to arrange visitation. NO verbal at all. He obviously cant handle it.
Thanks for your thoughts, Hopefully this will be the worst day i have in this mess ... but somehow i duobt it will be! Thanks. R~
Whew......
Glad to hear you can have some peace of mind.
Chin up !
I have been following what has been happening with you. I am so sorry that it is so difficult! I am VERY glad that everything, legally, is in place as it should be. I do agree that all communication should be email or through attorneys. I would also suggest that you ask your attorney if it is legal for one way tape recording in your state. If so, hook a recorder up to your phone and record it if he calls. If not, I would still hook it up. Then when he does call, immediately inform him that you are tape recording the conversation. If he says that he does not want it to be tape recorded, hang up. No need to carry on any further. If he doesn't want it tape recorded, it is because he was going to harrass you.
Steph
Oh Wow... I hope that today has been better... and that M now understands the RO... and what he needs to do.
Clearly, he's not interested in Averey or he'd be willing to do WHATEVER it takes to coordinate with you to see her.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~