Ideas for helping son with anxiety?
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 03-31-2006 - 10:11pm |
My 6 yo son seems pretty anxious about all the changes taking place in his Dad's life lately - ex recently got engaged and gf has moved in. DS seems to be having a hard time handling all this. If I bring up the subject or mention his Dad or the gf, he gets mad.
He seems to have a good time when he is with them, but he ends up misbehaving with me. I think he is very worried/anxious and only feels comfortable expressing it around me - and he doesn't yet have a very good way of expressing it - i.e. he hits, scratches, and bumps into me. I've been working with him on that - we have a way to go before we get that one squared away.
His Dad recently returned from a trip where he was gone about a week and a half. My ds was refusing to go for his overnight visit. He was feeling very anxious about it and worried about what it would be like. I talked to him about it and told him it would be like all the other overnight visits he's had in the past year and a half. He seemed unconvinced.... After 45 minutes of off-and-on discussion, I finally got him to get in the car by promising that if he still felt yucky after being at his Dad's for a while, he could call me. Good idea? Bad idea?
He seemed to miss his Dad and had a lot of worries about who would take care of him - I had to keep reminding him that I was taking care of him! I expected he'd be pretty excited to see his Dad - so I was a bit surprised he didn't want to go over there.
TIA for any ideas/advice,
Abby

Abby,
Have you talked to your xh about your son and his feelings? Perhaps your x doesn't realize how anxious your son is about the new situation. I know that my girls have always done better when my xw and I work together to assure them that we both still love them even though our living situation has changed.
Good luck.
Michael
Hi there, Abby. Have you been in touch with your son's school social worker or psychologist? My son's grades took a dip last report card, and when I spoke to them, they were very helpful. I also have my son in counseling twice per month, and it has helped him a great deal.
I think the reason your son was feeling extra anxious is because of the vacation. He didn't get to see his dad for a while, and he was nervous. I'm sure once he's back into the regular schedule, he'll adjust again.
As a person with anxiety problems myself, I know it's helpful if I'm sure the people around me are going to be supportive. Talk to your ex about how your son is feeling, and emphasize that your son is having some anxiety issues, and he needs to be sensitive to them. I really do think over time and with counseling, he will adjust.
Thanks for replying, Michael! It is good you and your ex cooperate so well.
I have talked to the ex about this and he says he's tried to talk to ds about this once. As far as I can tell, my ds is much more strongly attached to me, but the changes are still upsetting him.
Ex has been very controlling, selfish and manipulative - since before the divorce and after it as well. He says that our ds is a priority, but he seems too wrapped up in his new romance right now. I feel that I am basically on my own on this one - no surprise since I handled (and continue to do so) all the arrangements and work related to having a special needs child.
Ex said last year he couldn't wait to be a 'family' with his gf and our ds; to me it feels like he is rushing things. Perhaps it doesn't feel like rushing to him, but we are talking about a child who is likely high-functioning-autistic and who has a very hard time with changes and transitions. My ds had only spent time with the gf around about 10 times before she moved in.
I realize that I cannot control the ex and what he does. So I am trying to let go of what the ex is doing and concentrate on doing what I can to figure out how to help my little guy.
Thanks again for your reply!!!
I have talked to the school counselor once. At the time, my son's school behavior was not a problem, so she gave me some advice and said to watch him for awhile and if it looked like he needed some help, I could call her again. I think I will do so as it has been almost 3 months since my ds found out Dad was engaged and he still seems so anxious and upset.
Thanks!
i agree that talking to your ex, as well as to your son's school, will probably help.
of course your ds is anxious - he is probably scared and angry as well. there are different techniques to help him and you - you might want to speak to a children's therapist. i think (if i remember back to when my DS was younger) that its hard sometimes for a single mother to be 'firm' with our kids, its hard for us to see them so sad and upset. but what they need, of course, is exactly that - that we set boundaries and rules. if your son is kicking and biting - he needs some kind of outlet for his anger. you might want to look into two options - some kind of art thing (painting, sculpting, some kind of art that he has to DO something), and some kind of exercise/martial art type thing.
you and your ex are going to have to work TOGETHER on this. i think its a good idea that you told your son that he could call you if he is uncomfortable. but I don't think that he should be 'allowed' to skip visits - this is something you will have to work on together.
hugs....
Abby,
Thanks for your nice note. I noticed that you live in Boise. I was there two weeks ago doing a piece about Sarah Johnson, a teenager from Hailey who killed her parents back in 2003. Anyway, the trial was held in Boise so we spent several days there interviewing lawyers, reporters, etc.... I also spent some time there last summer when we were doing a piece up in Riggins.
Your hometown is one of my favorite cities. Its beautiful, clean, and the people are nice as can be. I know things are tough in your life but, if it means anything, I travel a lot and I can assure you that you live in one of the best places in America.
Hope everything works out with your ex and your son.
Take care,
Michael
Hi Michael -
Thanks for your note...small world sometimes, isn't it? When that particular trial was going on, I had to go to the courthouse to straighten out a mess with my property tax and the courthouse sure was busy.
I have been in Boise for a long time - it is getting a lot bigger, but I still think it's a pretty good place to be and I feel fairly safe here. Glad you liked it.
I have been through a lot and I do still have a lot left to do, but I am so glad to be divorced! Things have been gradually getting better, except for the co-parenting thing - it was always rocky and then it really took a bad hit once the gf hit the scene. The co-parenting relationship has been pretty tough to re-negotiate now that three adults are involved, but I hope that it improves.
I used to try to convince my ex to spend time with our ds and talk to him about how important he was in our child's life - and so much of it seemed to go in one ear and out the other. I've backed off a lot lately.
I was not getting much information from him for quite awhile, but he did send me a note yesterday to say our ds was doing OK after he had a chance to settle in and he sent one today to let me know that our son had had a meltdown earlier today. It was a nice change to get some information from him as to how our son was doing and made me hopeful that maybe we can find a way to work with each other for our son's benefit. He also mentioned that because our son had such a tough time with not seeing him for a week and a half that he was going to try to talk to our son about his trips before he leaves on them in the future. Perhaps that may help with the anxiety our ds was feeling.
Thanks again for your input!
Take care,
Abby