If I don't have something nice to say...
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| Tue, 04-12-2005 - 8:00pm |
Argh, it's so hard for me sometimes to not go back to my old ways of trying to pull stbx out of his hole he's dug! I find that instead I tend to want to make harsh comments to prevent my enabling him and I'm trying so hard not to do that either. For example, he's been e-mailing from his p's in Connecticut (I'm in Illinois). One e-mail he said that he may end up homeless there because his parents can't allow him to live there for longer than 30 days due to the association rules. They're in senior housing and can't have visitors longer than that. UGH, I want so bad to shake him and make him wake up! I don't understand how that can be an option for him! I know though, that he's wanting me to fall back into my pattern of telling him everything will be okay, giving him a pep talk about what a great guy he is and then taking care of him. So, to prevent that I want to tell him he's a big loser who gave up on his family in order to throw himself a huge pity party. Don't worry, I'm behaving but it is SOOOO hard!!!! I didn't respond to that e-mail. Today I get another e-mail that went into detail the jobs he's applied for. They are all what he considers to be "benieth him", so again it's the pity party. He's applied to work in a factory that makes toothpaste and at the casino, blah blah, saying all this negative stuff about what he's going to have to do to make any money to live off of. At the end he says how much he misses all of us and would love to see us all again. So I feel the urge to tell him he sold us out and didn't care enough about our family to pull himself up and get a real frickin' job for two years! I don't, but oh did I see red when he sent DD a get well soon e-card (she has a gum infection) and at the bottom he asks if she'll allow him to come and visit her for her birthday. So, now she's counting on it and he's telling me he's going to be homeless and her heart is going to be BROKEN when he's not here. Sigh.... I guess I'm just venting because I can't take it out on him!
Melanie

Well why in the World is he even applying for jobs that are "beneath" him????
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Venting is good. It's not easy to change the way you respond to your ex. I agree the best thing to a pity party email is no response at all. I used to always fix things for my ex, and now that he's on his own he's run into money problems a few times. The first time it was because he wanted a new laptop and he wanted me to buy it. Actually, he wanted me to charge it and then use the child support money I pay him and pay the credit card off with that, I told him no, I didn't think I legally could do anything with the cs money other than give it to him each month, but then I gave him a list of things he could do to get it (saving, asking his mom, trying to get his own credit card, buying used). He needed the laptop because he was changing jobs and had to give his laptop back, and he needs one to feed his online video game addiction. My therapist pointed out that giving him all those suggestions was not helping him (he knew he had other options, but also that in the past I had always been his best option) and I did it probably to make myself less guilty that I couldn't give him what he wanted like I always had in the past.
The next time he had a problem it was because he failed to pay his car insurance, didn't pay a traffic ticket, didn't know his license had been suspsended for that and then he got pulled over for speeding. They took his car. We worked out what to tell dd that he wouldn't be picking her up the next night and I didn't offer any assistance. He actually had figured out what he needed to do to get his car and his license back, and I just said it sounded like he had it under control and to let me know what happened (so we would know if he'd be picking dd up that Friday or not). He said ok, and then said if I could put his car back on my insurance, that would fix it all a lot faster. I said I didn't think that was a good idea and he dropped it.
The last time I know of that he had a money problem (dd told me), he didn't say one word to me (except to clarify what dd had said, she was sitting with him on the phone with me so he heard her tell me).
I'm just waiting to see what happens next. He told me his muffler is going bad, and I just had to replace the mufflers on my car last November. It cost $465 or around that. Once the muffler goes, it's not safe to drive the car and you have to get it fixed immediately. I told him this. He has no savings and no credit card (that I am aware of) and he said he's trying not to think about it. But he will have to think about it when his car becomes undrivable and that could happen any minute. Hopefully he will still not ask me for help, and if he does I'll just say a simple "I can't." Maybe his girlfriend will help him :)
I am sure it is going to be hard on your dd if he doesn't show for her birthday. It might be a good idea to let him know she his counting on him to show up. Not "you better show up" but more like "DD is so excited you are coming for her birthday, she has her heart set on seeing you and can't stop talking about it" just to let him know he set that expectation that high. It might also be a good idea to get dd to adjust her expectation a little, maybe tell her that you know he wants to be here, but you don't know that he has been able to make plans to come, so it's better to just wait and see. If he does disappoint her, let him know that too. He needs to know what consequences his actions have, not in an angry way, but in a matter of fact 'this is the result' kind of way (although I have no experience on this type of thing - disappointment - so mabye others have better advice).
Hi Melanie! I've been thinking about you and how things were going. Wow! Once again, as I was reading your post I could almost think I was reading something I could write. Except he's still here. And not talking about moving anymore. In fact, he's talking about displaying things in the house and fixing his tv speakers which have been disconnected for over 6 months. ?!?
I have had several times where I've had to stop myself from giving him the pep talk and being his own personal cheerleader on the side lines. And I have started feeling angry and getting mad. Oh, the things I've said to him in my mind as he tells me how bad he feels that the girl he likes doesn't like him back or that it's hard looking for a different job.
I know *I* would feel terrible if I said those things aloud to him. And in my mind at least, it would bother me more than him. He could think of some way to change it to being my problem, not his. That's what I keep thinking about. That I'm being quiet for me, not him. I just don't cheer him on or try to fix things for him anymore.
I look forward to hearing from you again!
Ruth
Hi Ruth!
Our relationships seem so similar! Feel free to e-mail me off the board anytime. eatatmoms@comcast.net
Melanie