If you have children...
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 11-10-2005 - 12:21am |
I just read a post on another board, from a woman who is absolutely devastated. She is a mother, who just found out that her H has been having an affair. She asked for some advice regarding a divorce, and someone replied: "Get yourself a good attorney, who is willing to play hardball ASAP."
This really upset me, because it doesn't have to be that way. This couple had been friends and partners for years, and they HAVE CHILDREN. They will ALWAYS be the parents of those children. They may not want to be married to each other any more, but turning this into a battle will only hurt the kids.
So here is my advice to anyone considering divorce, when there are children involved.
You can "play hardball" and turn this into a battle.
...OR...
You can accept that your stbxH may be a jerk & an a-hole, but he is still their father, and you can try to reach some sort of amicable arrangement & equitable divorce.
You can use your anger to make you stronger...but you don't have to use it *against* your stbx. Try to remember: he is your children's father, and he always will be.
The main reason that many children suffer in a D is that they see the 2 people that they love most in life fighting & hurting each other.
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY.
If you do choose to divorce, you can use a mediator, who will help you and stbxH make decisions that work for both of you AND THE CHILDREN. The job of the mediator is to try to help the two of you reach a compromise that works for you both - and as an added benefit, this is also usually WAY cheaper than an adversarial divorce, where you fight each other. Would you rather spend thousands on attorneys, or on your kids?
You may have been hurt terribly... I urge you to try to stop the hurting right here, right now, rather than try to "hurt him back" and, in the process, hurt your kids any more than they have already been hurt.
Two people divorcing do not have to become enemies. You can agree to dislike each other, you can each think that the other is a horrible, horrible person... but if you have children, you can also try to remember that this is your child's parent, and try not to turn them into your bitter enemy.
- L.

Pages
I think it depends on the circumstances - if the woman is a SAHM, who has been taken advantage of - I believe she needs to get a lawyer, to provide the best financial settlement she can get - some of these guys (and a few ladies) hide assets, buy expensive gifts to the detriment of what at one time was their "soulmate" and children.
I am not a SAHM, but I know my now ex-H used my money that I worked hard for to give the OW and her child gifts and time that should have gone to my young son and I. We are civil for the sake of our child and that is it. Being the father of my child and being my enemy can be accomplished - they are not mutually exclusive - LOL.....
Some good points here.
So I'll revise my original advice - If you suspect your stbxpartner is trying to hide large sums of money from you, if you believe he is out to do you harm for some reason, by all means consult with a lawyer - hopefully one who is familiar with & likes mediation.
From what I've seen, the main reason for one spouse to try to hide assets from the other is that they're afraid the other is trying to "take them for all they have" - sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy there - she's going to take all my money, so I'll hide some; he's trying to hide his money, I'm going to fight him for every penny he's got.
AND - I stick by my assertion that the ones who suffer the most in that sort of case are the children. I left my marriage because I Didn't want my kids growing up surrounded by fights & anger & hatred - now they have 2 separate, relatively happy, calm, safe homes. My X & I try very hard never to say anything bad about the other, and as much as possible to remain "decent" to each other (mainly by not seeing or talking to each other - LOL!!) And (touch wood) my kids are doing great. Their grades have improved, & they're happier. Of course there's damage done by whatever caused the divorce in the first place - adultery, abuse, fighting, whatever - but AFTER you're apart, hopefully you can create an environment for your kids, and yourself, where fighting & bad feelings are kept to a minimum.
You can use mediation WITH each party having their own lawyer, too. The mediator acts instead of a judge, more or less. A judge will listen to both parties, then make up his or her own mind about what should happen, and you're stuck with it. The mediator will try to help both of you reach a compromise that you both can live with - and if you don't like it, IT IS NOT LEGALLY BINDING. You can still decide to go to court if the mediation isn't to your liking. And remember that mediation saves THOUSANDS of dollars - money that would normally go to the lawyers is saved for YOU and your CHILDREN. Just to give you an idea, our whole divorce, including splitting assets, properties, businesses, custody, filing fees, etc, cost under $5000 which was split evenly - so I paid less than $2500. And it was pretty much all done in about 3 meetings.
I think mediation helps both sides to move on in a cooperative, adult manner, helps you move past the hatred - and helps the kids get back to the happy, worry-free business of being kids.
--- disclaimer: of course it's not going to be right for everyone. And if someone's going to fight you, sometimes you have to fight back. But a lot of people have never heard of divorce mediation, and assume that Divorce = Fight, and it doesn't have to. It doesn't have to be a long drawn out expensive court battle. And the kids don't have to feel like pawns in a battlezone. (sorry for mixing metaphors...) Just wanted to let people know about mediation as an option.
"unfortunately, not everyone in this world is normal, sane, or fair..."
LOL! How true! And I agree, my kids, too, were being hurt WAY more by having an abusive parent.
I know that mediation won't work for everyone, maybe not even for most. And I count myself as very, very lucky that my somewhat-psycho X managed to be mostly-reasonable thru the mediation process (with the noticable exception of threatening to kill me on the final signing day, in front of the mediator!!)
Anyway, again, I just thought I'd mention it as an alternative. There's a great thread titled "Amicable Divorces" going on that also touches on this, just wanted to let people know that sometimes it even works if your stbX is not always totally reasonable!
I respectfully agree, and disagree.
I agree with the fact that the children do not need to see you fighting. That's a given. However, you get a good lawyer who can play harball to COVER YOUR OWN ARSE! Maybe YOU don't want to fight over assets and other details. But sweetheart, that doesnt mean that he doesnt, or won't change his mind before the settlement and try to screw your eye teeth out!
You get a good lawyer just in case you need it, not just to "hurt him more". Believe me! I got screwed after I thought we had negotiated how we wanted things to go down, in the best interest of our children. HE started listening to his girlfriend and went back on everything he said. Let's face it... not all people are good, honest people who only want whats best for their children. I know. I've LIVED the worst case scenario!
I agree with the last poster that you need a good lawyer to protect yourself. When your stbx has someone on the side in addition to everything else, things get messy. Whenever there is a third party involved sticking their nose in, its difficult for things to be ammicable, especially if the gf was partly the cause of the breakup. Women get screwed more often in divorce than men do. Children ALSO suffer in divorce FINANCIALLY when their mothers get screwed financially or one party isn't paying child support like they are supposed to. It's bad enough when a child gets his/her emotions hurt because of a divorce or seeing the parents fight, but what makes it worse is when one parent abandons their financial responsibilites to the child. Poverty after divorce for women and children is not a new phenomenon. It happens far too often.
I agree with you that mediation can be a good tool for people who are impartial about their feelings toward one another and want the divorce ammicably. But often times that is not the case. Emotions run high when there is infidelity and a third party involved.
Or when one party is abusive, drug addicted, mentally unstable, or all of the above.
When one party has been taken advantage of or the victim of lie after lie after lie, it isn't smart to trust that person throughout the divorce process. And in cases where the woman has contributed the majority of the income and the man was a drug user and/or a deadbeat, there is no reason to give him more than he deserves financially or to let him off the hook with child support if the woman has custody. There's a big difference between being fair and being a push over.
Of all the books I've read. This one has been the most helpful to me.
Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child
by Isolina Ricci
Edited 11/10/2005 5:57 pm ET by lifeisgrand2005
Your post is inaccurate and uncalled for.
Edited 11/11/2005 2:29 pm ET by l_andt
Edited 11/11/2005 2:36 pm ET by l_andt
Pages