If you have children...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
If you have children...
19
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 12:21am

I just read a post on another board, from a woman who is absolutely devastated. She is a mother, who just found out that her H has been having an affair. She asked for some advice regarding a divorce, and someone replied: "Get yourself a good attorney, who is willing to play hardball ASAP."

This really upset me, because it doesn't have to be that way. This couple had been friends and partners for years, and they HAVE CHILDREN. They will ALWAYS be the parents of those children. They may not want to be married to each other any more, but turning this into a battle will only hurt the kids.

So here is my advice to anyone considering divorce, when there are children involved.

You can "play hardball" and turn this into a battle.
...OR...
You can accept that your stbxH may be a jerk & an a-hole, but he is still their father, and you can try to reach some sort of amicable arrangement & equitable divorce.

You can use your anger to make you stronger...but you don't have to use it *against* your stbx. Try to remember: he is your children's father, and he always will be.

The main reason that many children suffer in a D is that they see the 2 people that they love most in life fighting & hurting each other.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY.

If you do choose to divorce, you can use a mediator, who will help you and stbxH make decisions that work for both of you AND THE CHILDREN. The job of the mediator is to try to help the two of you reach a compromise that works for you both - and as an added benefit, this is also usually WAY cheaper than an adversarial divorce, where you fight each other. Would you rather spend thousands on attorneys, or on your kids?

You may have been hurt terribly... I urge you to try to stop the hurting right here, right now, rather than try to "hurt him back" and, in the process, hurt your kids any more than they have already been hurt.

Two people divorcing do not have to become enemies. You can agree to dislike each other, you can each think that the other is a horrible, horrible person... but if you have children, you can also try to remember that this is your child's parent, and try not to turn them into your bitter enemy.

- L.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 8:01pm

I first came to iVillage to visit the "Should I Stay or Should I Go" board. I quickly found the "Domestic Violence" board, and learned about emotional, psychological, & verbal abuse. I was absolutely shocked to recognize myself and my XH in the descriptions there. I went into counseling, decided to leave my XH, and came to this board. I found all of these boards to be very helpful when I was going thru a very difficult time. I got some very good advice, and just wanted to offer some advice of my own. I have other problems in my life, but they don't make my opinions or experience any more nor less valid. We visit these support boards because we are having problems, because we are trying to figure things out, and get help, and advice, and understanding.




Edited 11/11/2005 2:38 pm ET by l_andt
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 9:43pm
I think the advice was to get the tough lawyer in case it was needed. Perhaps she won't have to fight him, however, she might and it would be good to have a lawyer that can handle it. I know with my STBX at first things were fine and he was helping us out and helping with the kids. Then, he decided that he was going to
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 10:37pm
What does any of this have to do with mediation, which was the subject of my post?


Edited 11/11/2005 2:39 pm ET by l_andt
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 11:00pm

Never mind - if I don't have anything nice to say......... Tough having a conscience.. darn...




Edited 11/10/2005 11:17 pm ET by lifeisgrand2005
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 11:04pm
I take the advice for what it is and don't read any personal things about you into it. I don't care much for gossip...it's not usually useful or reliable information. No worries I_andt.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 11:08pm
gossip?? This is an anonymous message board - how could there be gossip?? Nobody knows anyone, we only read what has been put out here by the writer - now if they put too much out there, that's not our fault....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 11:46pm

thank you.
I really didn't expect to get attacked here.
I've found this board, and the Domestic Violence board, to be really really helpful over the past year and a half.

A dear friend of mine whom I've known for over 20 years was just murdered by her abusive husband a couple of weeks ago. I credit these boards with helping me escape my abusive situation... I just wish I had known what she was going thru at home so that I could have offered her some of the same sort of help. Anyway, that's why I've been coming back to these 2 boards the last few weeks... to get some sort of comfort.

Anyway, enough of hijacking my own thread. I'll go away now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 12:31pm

I'm sorry you feel attacked. However many of the women on here are having troubles - both financially and emotionally from the fallout. They are no longer "betrayed spouses" because simply, they are no longer spouses. I guess it depends on how the original post appears to someone, after they know that you are an OW. I'm sorry, that appears to come with the territory - one doesn't have a separate life on each board, unless you have a different profile name.

To someone who is going through this painful process, it appears you could be being disingenuous since even though young children weren't affected by your relationship, you are part of the inappropriate dance of three in the marriage - when there should be only two.

I guess it could be summed up as good message, unfortunately the messenger is compromised.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 1:29pm

Please consider your words carefully before you post - please direct your comments to the topic of the discussion, rather than to personal judgments/comments about individuals who are in the discussion.

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