Im 29, he's 49, Is he TOO OLD?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Im 29, he's 49, Is he TOO OLD?
6
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 1:26pm

Okay Ive been just sticking my toes in the water of this whole dating thing. But I want to put a foot or a leg in or something. On Friday and Saturday night I had company over watching the b-ball and baseball games. I work with him (different guy for those who know my previous story). The thing is he's 20yrs older then me. Is that Too Old? My mom says yes. Im truly tired of "men" my age b/c they seem to be so immature and not wanting a committment. I figured an older man would want to settle down. Which is what I want.

But at the same time I wonder if getting involved with this guy might just be my rebound guy. And be too old for me. I dont want to hurt anyone. When he came back the second night he said he went to sleep the first night with a smile on his face. Hmmm. I mean enjoyed the company of watching the game with someone. Im tired of being in my big apt. alone aside from my son. Heck my ex has moved on twice in a little over a year. And I did get some satisfaction when my ex called and I told him I had company. Ofcourse he got an attitude about it. He's such a jerk.

So what do you guys think. Is a 20yr gap really pushing it or what. I dont want to rush but at the same time I want to date, have fun, go out, start living again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 2:38pm

luvred-

Generally, I'd say 20 years is too much of an age difference. There are exceptions to every rule - sometimes 2 people will just click and an age difference seems meaningless. If you're unsure, ask yourself whether this guy would fit with your group of friends, or would he feel like the 'old guy' hanging out with a young group? And do you really find him attractive, or is he just attractive because you think he has more potential than the guys your age you've met (if that's the case, the attraction will likely wear off quickly).

Also, you work with him. I'd be very cautious about dating someone I worked with. If
you got to know him and felt like he might be someone really special, then it might be worth the risk (assuming your company doesn't have a policy that prohibits dating). But if you think he's likely to be a rebound (and I think at this stage that's probably a good guess), do you really want to have to deal with the potential fallout of that in the workplace? Think of the hassle you had related to the guy you almost went out with!

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 3:48pm

Oh Goodness, I think your right. I feel a bit anxious b/c my ex moved on so fast and I feel left behind. He's had 2 different relationships in 1yr, 3months. I hate him.

Im tired of being lonely though. But if I start with this guy then what happens if I meet someone I really like. It would be very awkward.

I dont really know how he would feel "hanging out" with my friends. I would imagine they might feel a bit funny. Im not sure what to do. His ears are big. LOL.

Brother, this is so frustrating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 4:35pm

"He's had 2 different relationships in 1yr, 3months."

To me, this means that he has had two painful breakups.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 4:53pm

Hi,

Let me give you a little advice from a 50 year old woman. YES, it is too old. That guy right now is probably going through a midlife crisis. At 50, I make it a policy only to date guys between 45 and 55. In fact, just went out with a 55 year old the other day and man was he old.

Take time for yourself to heal and really see what you want. Yes, it does get lonely, very loney, but during the lonely times you also find what you are all about.

Don't rush it and remember that loneliness is shared by all at some point when they are not in a relationship.

Your x has no substance and is therefore looking for someone to fill a void, don't let that happen to you. Take time for yourself, go out with friends, be comfortable being alone. Only then can you have a true relationship.

Hope I wasn't too hard.

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 9:10pm

Hi Luvred,

Dating is so fun - you're going to enjoy it. But you have to look at it with the right outlook.

Men are like shoes. There are all kinds of styles and shapes and sizes - dating is about playing the field - it's not about having an insta-relationship and "making" it work.

I've dated tons since I've been single and it's fun and there's never a dull moment. Every now and then someone will become a 'boyfriend', but I don't approach as if that's what I'm looking for and I certainly didn't when I first started dating after my husband moved out. I started dating right away. I wasn't going to wait before I started enjoying myself. (I'm not talking about sleeping with men, I'm talking about going on dates)

You have to have rules, though, and one of my personal rules is to never date someone I work with. It's too complicated and messy and well, there's a reason for the saying, "don't dip your pen in the company ink." I don't recommend it.

But sure, if you meet a guy and he asks you on a date and you want to go, GO! Don't worry about age or anything... go enjoy yourself. You don't have to marry the guy :)

(and thank god for that sometimes!)

Set up your dating rules and don't waiver from them. Enjoy yourself, luvred - that's what life is for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 1:20am

5 years ago I would have said go for it 20 years is nothing. But today I feel differently about it. I met my current STBX when I was 22, he was 43. Age didn't really mean anything to us. We lasted 11 years. I thought we would be together forever. Well, the age difference finally caught up with us. Now I'm 34 and he is 55. At 55 he doesn't want to go out dancing, or to the movies, or to a nice dinner without kids. He is content to sit home all the time. At 34 I want to go out on weekends, dance, go to a movie, dinner, watch the sunset at the beach, I want to live my life. I had my first child when I was 17. I have a 16 year old, 14 year old, and 5 year old. My boys are finally old enough for me to be able to go out and enjoy some of my youth, and my husband is too old to want to do any of it. He says he's been there done that. We separated in March of this year. This isn't the only reason we separated, but it is a contributing factor. I felt the same way you do, older men want stability, men my age are immature. Well, I'm sure there are men out there closer to my age who aren't afraid of committment, and when I'm ready, I plan to go find him.

Good luck to you.