I'm 9 mths pregnant & divorce is near.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2005
I'm 9 mths pregnant & divorce is near.
11
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 2:31pm
My husband and i have only been married for 2 1/2 yrs. We have a one year daughter and any day now will have a second. Last year at this exact same time, i found out that H was talking to this Other Woman on his cell phone. After i confronted him on it, he said that they were talking to each other about the problems in their marriages. Funny,, i didn't know we were having problems! :( I told him that what he was doing was called having an emotional affair. I told him that i would not have this and that he was to either choose to go his own way, or stay here and be a father and a husband. Things got better and from then on, i saw no calls to her.
We used to have sex like 4-5 times a week. But within the last year, it's gone down to 1-2 times a month. He doesn't hold my hand anymore, doesn't call just to say HI, he doesn't hold doors open for me, he doesn't sit next to me at home when we watch tv, he doesn't do anything that he used to do. He used to do all these things before "her". Just last night we had a huge blowout which was bound to come one of these days,, and i asked him when was the last time he talked to her. He said it had been months,, however, what he doesn't know is that i have his password to his cell phone and have been checking his messages and what do ya know,, she's been calling and leaving him messages. (Hey, it's me,, call me back, etc etc etc) He's been receiving calls when he's away from the house that last anywhere from 45 mins to 4 hours long and ironically he just can't seem to remember who he was talking to.. YEAH,, WHATEVER!! (I can't see what numbers are calling him, it only says "incoming call"---stupid sprint!!)
I don't really know what "she" has to do with any of this, other than the fact that i feel he wants his cake and eat it too. I think he wants to have his children and a roof over his head, yet he wants to go out and fool around. Am i right in this assumption or am i just being jealous and paranoid?
I told him last night that i'm desparate for love, affection and attention. He told me that he was basically done with our marriage and there was nothing that i could do to repair it. However, he still wants to live in the house with me and the babies cause he can't afford a place of his own. He asked me, "What's wrong with us just living together for the babies"
I'm sorry but i can't live in a house in a pretend marriage where there is no love, no affection and no attention. I simply can not do it. On the other hand, i don't want my babies to grow up with no dad around. So i'm stuck. He doesn't want to try and make the marriage work, yet he doesn't want to get divorced. He wants things 'as they are' and for us to just do our own thing and not fight.
What the crap?
He's obviously done with the marriage, and i'm over here pulling my hair out trying to figure out a way to save it. We've been to counseling and he's so hard headed that he thinks everyone is wrong but him. So i don't think that's the answer,, we've tried that.
I believe i am at a dead end road,,,
Any advice?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 3:43pm

I am so sorry (I get to say that alot here, sadly). Sounds like he is doing the selfish, self-indulgent, immature, not-really-adult trip that many folks do. Someone else posted recently about their stbx wanting out because she gained weight (he is a body-builder). The stories begin to sound familar. Mine, too.

Not that that gives you any comfort.

Since he is in no hurry to leave, I would take your time and get all your ducks in a row, including giving birth to your precious child. Find an attorney, set up a separate bank account (do you work outside the home?), re-do your will and beneficiaries on any of your life insurance etc., figure out your finances for being on your own and plan for a separation, *if that is what you want.*

In my state you can be separated and live in the same house; you have to not share meals, groceries, chores; have to sleep separately, etc.--everything has to be independent and you have to have a witness to the fact you live separately in the same house. After one year you can file for divorce based on the separation. By then, hopefully you will have determined a way to divide assets, including whether you need to sell the house.

That would give you time to do all of the above and keep a stable setting for your 1 yo and newborn.

Just a thought.

And for the emotional anguish: counseling, support group, and this board!

GL

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2005
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 3:57pm
Our finances are already separated. We never had joint accounts. The only thing we "own" together is the house. And i do work outside the home. I'm the breadwinner in the family. I pay for everything as it is right now, except for 1/2 the mortgage payment and i could easily afford that. I pay for all the utilities and extras such as cable, internet, netflix, etc etc,,,
Here in my state, you don't have to be separated first. You can just file for divorce. I don't want to be separated and live in the same house... To me that's giving him his cake and letting him eat it too. HE is making the choice to want to be divorced,, not me. I don't want the divorce and it will be the hardest thing i do in my whole entire life,, to let him go. I'm still very much in love with him and want things to work, but it won't if only one of us is willing to try. KWIM?? Thanks for the advice,, keep it coming!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2007
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 7:22pm

I think the first thing you need to do is have your baby. Don't put so much stress on yourself. Divorce is one of the most stressful things you can due. If you are really smart you will have a DNA test done right in hospital. Some states require this now. Don't take it the wrong way, but those of us who have walked down this path can tell you that as soon as child support is discussed, alot of men accuse Mom of sleeping around. I swear they all have a secret hand book that they refer to, to wiggle out of stuff. After your baby arrives you will be able to think clearer. But you have to be prepared for the stuff that will be pulled. I have to go get diapers, and comes back 5 hours later. Or your just lazy, never mind you just pushed a watermelon out your stuff. If you think he's running around on you, he probably is. Let a close friend or family member you trust know whats going on. Don't keep everything bottled up. You need someone to talk to. It's really hard to try to put a marriage back together once one has strayed. But you have to take care of yourself, first.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 1:34pm

You are in quite a bind, but it sounds like you know in your heart what the right thing is to do. If you divorce him, that doesn't mean that he won't be your girls' father anymore. I totally agree with you that you should not stay in a loveless marriage for the kids. You deserve better and so do they! That would portray a very skewed picture of what love and marriage are all about and may think that situation is normal. I felt the same way and when I finally called it quits I knew that I was showing both my kids that husbands don't spend days laying on the couch drunk, ignoring their families while mom works her butt off caring for the kids and working. Now I'm with someone who is wonderful in every way. He treats me just as a loving mate should and is a great role model for my children. Follow your heart Robyn!

Melanie

PS I saw your profile - I live in the Amarillo area too!! I just moved her this past summer :).

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 3:44pm

HUGS to you. I have a particular "dislike" for men who pull these stunts while their wives are pregnant. I don't care if the affair is emotional or physical, it takes a special breed of evil to cheat while your spouse or SO is pregnant. While we are in a vulnerable state, they take advantage.

If you divorce, he can still be in your children's lives, and he should be. He has an obligation to them, too. You do NOT deserve to be treated with such a lack of love and respect. Like eatatmoms said...there are definitely men out there who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. We were lucky enough to find them this time around ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 10:55am

Sweetie, and what exactly is HE bringing into the marriage today??? it isn't money - you say you are the main breadwinner. No love. No sex obviously. No attention. And I have some doubts that he is the housekeeper, homemaker and daycare giver??? correct me if I am wrong.

So, is he a wonderful cook, an attentive gardner?

Darling, it is a joke. Of course he doesn't want to divorce and to find an apartment - you are better than his mom!!! you cook clean iron wash, and on top bring home the bacon and take care of the kids!!! wow! can I move in too???

Now, set up your priorities. First, have your baby. Put this time to good use to make copies of all financial records (he'll try to get alimony from you, you know), statements of ownership of all your things (cars, furniture, etc). Start changing names on insurances and wills. See a lawyer, so you know what you want and what are your next steps... Also, get proof of his fooling around - make sure he doesn't suspect anything!!! Get his phone bill, request the home bill to be itemized. and whatever you do, do NOT meet someone new... it is too early.

Then leave the decision out for some time - lets say, give yourself time until the new baby is 6 month old (you'll need the help anyway!!). By then, you will be back into the non-pregnant world, a little less emotional, and you will be able to take a decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 1:51pm
Sweetie - you may FEEL "stuck", but youre not.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 1:55pm
I am NOT celebrating your impending divorce, but i AM totally celebrating the fact that you are DEFINATLY not stuck - not financially at least. & that is a HUGE gift!!!!!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 7:03pm

I am so sorry to read about your situation - a word of caution. My ex. and I always had completely seperate finances. I was the major breadwinner and he choose to work seasonaly in our resort town and play in the off season. I was o.k. with it as we had completely seperate finances and figured if he could pay his half of the bills fine. What was mine was mine and what was his was his - we had nothing jointly. I also bought the house prior to marriage, paid for all repairs and all of DD's preschool costs. Fast forward - during divorce he wanted half of everything I had earned during the marriage including contributions to IRA, savings, half the house. Consult a good attorney - I was told if we went to court if could of gone either way - I ended up settling in mediation and losing a lot.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2005
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 1:02pm
Thank you to all of your replies. I've decided right now the best thing for me to do is wait. I need to have this baby first and let my hormones and moodiness subside before i do anything. I don't need the added stress of a marriage affecting the birth of my baby. I will get everything in order and just "wait for him to screw up again" I know he'll do it. I found out where this OW lives, so when he says he's out playing poker or out of town or whatever,,, i can always drive by and see if he's there. To me,, that is proof enough. I can then "close the door" to our marriage. Does that make sense? I'm really confused right now, as i have NO PROOF that he's doing anything other than carrying on phone conversations. AND by his phone bill,, he's not the one calling her,, she's calling him!!! Don't get me wrong, i'm not giving him any excuses. In my mind, he should be telling her, "Look, my marriage is failing, i better cut all ties to you" type of thing. It takes TWO to have an affair,, emotional or physical. But like i said,, thank you all and i'll just be sitting here waiting for a while..at least till after the baby is born.
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