I'm dating - What will Ex Do about DD?
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| Tue, 05-03-2005 - 2:23am |
I have a big concern that I need some advice on.
My divorce has now been final for a little over a month (the divorce was my doing, and I couldn't be happier now). Prior to that, we had been separated for 8 months, but for me, the marriage has been over for years. During the separation, our 14 year old daughter wouldn't speak to her Dad, but things have been semi-resolved, and she is attempting to get along with her father now.
He has made it clear that he still wants me back, and will never give up (nothing threatning, just expressing his "love"). I know in my head, heart, body and soul, that I will NEVER take him back. He never provided any emotional or financial support to our marriage, and has been on social security disability for over 10 years for depression and anxiety (which I've never been totally convinced is a disabiling condition for him - he just doesn't want to work). Because of his financial issues (or lack thereof) I had agreed to let him use MY vehicle to go food shopping run errands, etc., and said he can have the vehicle when he has our daughter for his weekends. In return, he has agreed to continue to take care of certain things around MY home, which include taking care of lawn care - which is a large task because I have a lot of land. My job also requires that I travel and he always took care of our daughter when I had to travel for business. He has agreed to continue to do this, and will stay in the house with our daughter when I travel. I have no one else who could watch her because there are no relatives in the area where she could stay and still go to school.
As I am moving on with my life, I have met someone, and have been dating him (that includes sex which I never thought I would have any interest in ever again). I realized this is just a transition dating experience, but I know my Ex will be devastated when he finds out.
My BIGGEST CONCERN is whether or not he's going to fall into a major depression over this, take it out on our daughter, and stop contacing/seeing her, and no longer agree to stay with her here at the house when I travel. These fears are not unwarranted because he has an 19 year old daughter from a previous marriage when he was very young, who he has never had a relationship with because of the hatred he had/has towards his first ex-wife.
My daughter is fully aware that I'm dating, and talking on the phone with this man, and she is very happy for me. She also knows all about her father and realizes he has difficulty handling emotional issues. Her biggest concern is that if he finds out I am moving on, that he won't take care of her when I travel, and we will basically have to move out of the area so I can have relatives in another state watch her when I travel.
In order for me to move on with my life after this divorce, I need to do what I'm doing. I don't see how I can keep my social life a secret from him for very long - these things have a way of coming out.
I guess what I need is to find out if anyone has experienced something like this from their ExH, when he found out you had begun to date other men.
Any advice is welcome.
Thank you
suzq

First off, Hugs and congrats!
Secondly, I have to say this and it may sound harsh. Stop worrying about your ex husband. Seriously, it is not your job to worry about him. If he sees you are worrying and you let him act the way you think he will if he finds out along with giving him sympathy it won't ever stop. XH needs some help. Sometimes although we mean to help the situation we are really enabling the situation to happen, the sympathy and caring actions is what they want.
Being honest is a big part of keeping the peace. Don't ask your daughter to hide it. Let her make the decision on her own. Never ask a child to deal with adult issues.
Good luck with everything.
Hugs to you and again, Congrats! be happy with your new found love and leave the old one to deal with himself.
Angelena
SuzQ, ((HUGS)) & congrats on moving on! My H, although also alcoholic, is Depressed & anxious (& rageful & abusive) as well, & was either unemployed or on disability or part time employed & it feels SO GREAT not to be so ANGRY all the time that *I* am diong everything & he is doing NOTHING.
As for your H, you cant control how he chooses to act - unfortunatly. & BELIEVE ME, *I* need to learn that lesson as well. Especially when you knwo their behavior may adversely affect the children.
I pray it works out for you - I wish i had more suggesstions. Besides be true to yourself & hang in there. Maybe a nanny for dd when you are away? Or can you offer maybe to pay one of her freinds parents to let her stay with them?
My EX acted like that... "I'll never date anyone else" "I'll never get married again... ever!" blah, blah, blah....
So... I just waited..... and keep MY business private, and I think that your daughter is old enough to just say "I don't know" or "you'll have to ask mom what's up in her life" if dad tries to poke at her for answers... and, DO keep what she knows at a minimum so that she truly has nothing to report if she's asked.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~