I'm depressed...i want to be with him

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
I'm depressed...i want to be with him
6
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 10:25pm

Hi... for anyone who read "she's a stripper and she cheated on him", you know my story....
I confronted my husband a few days ago, because he didn't tell me about her night job. He thinks it's just a temporarily job, nothing wrong, so i decided fine, i will drop it, even though it bothers me. He doesn't believe about the cheating, he thinks she's being accused innocently, but to take away any doubts she's getting a liying detector test. So i pleaded my love for him, i asked for forgiveness for leaving, and my regrets, how much i want me, him and kids to be together, and i truly meant every word...I put all my feelings on the line and if feels like the ball is on his court. He has to make a decision, but he thinks that it will depend on the results of the test. I don't think it's fair that my relationship with him will depend on it, it's two different issues, and he's only focusing on that right now. He asked her to leave for awhile, he says he needs to be alone and think...I'm so mentally exausted right now, i don't want to manipulate him in any way, i don't want to push him, but i don't think he's giving our relationship a fair chance if it depends on the results of her test...I'm going insane, and if she's actually telling the truth that she never cheated, he might give her another chance, but i will be crushed, but what about me, don't i deserve a chance too...i admit i made a mistake, but i realized it, and i regret all the pain and sorrow i cause him, and all i want is to be with him in our home with our kids, and make him happy...He says now it's different, he has feelings for her, but he has feelings for me too. His he being unfair if he bases his decision just regarding the test results? I think he is, and i will be devasted. Right now i don't want to argue with him or upset him, because he will be annoyed at me. What shoud i do, should i stay away from him, don't implore or say anything anymore, should i let it be and just wait.. Anyone, give me some thoughts on this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 10:46pm

I don't think you did yourself any favors by confronting him on this. Now you've made his decision to give you another chance dependant on whether he believes she cheated.

I know you feel you deserve another chance, but this isn't about what you deserve or he deserves or she deserves. Nobody is entitled to anything. This is about him and how he feels and what he's willing to go through for you. You have to give him space. Giving him space will let him think and let it sink in and let him figure this out for himself. You will be better off in the long run if you let him be the one to decide to leave her. He won't leave her because you beg or because you pressure him. Your insistance that he give you another chance might just ensure he doesn't. Let him be, give it time, work on yourself and the idea of accepting whatever outcome is meant to be. Let him miss you a little. Let him develop some hope all on his own. Don't let him keep seeing your desperation. Desperation, fear and hopeless are not attractive traits. Focus on being accepting, loving and supportive, he will be much more attracted to you if you show him that side of you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 10:59pm
Thanks again firstamendment.
All i want is that he can consider giving our family one more chance... if he still loves me we will, if he doesn't than he doesn't and it will be very hard to go on and accept the truth, and i truly don't know how to handle it, it will feel like my world is ending, and i can't go on...I saw him today and i know he's hurting...it feels like he's more upset that she's not there, i don't know, but if he is suffering for that, than it's over for me...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 11:11pm
See, the thing is that if the worse case happens, your life will not be over and you will be able to go on. You have to tell yourself that. Believing it might all end and you will be lost forever is putting you in this 'do or die' state that is making you push him away, and it will guarantee the very outcome you fear most. I don't think there is anything you can do right now, just wait, hope, and have some confidence that you can handle whatever happens. Don't try and predict this outcome, okay? You can't read to much into his reactions or emotions. Let him figure it out. It's not over yet. If he needs to grieve her being gone, let him go through that and maybe that is what will lead him back to you. You don't know, you can't know.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 10:31am
So here's what happened this morning...I had to stop by his place this morning so my daughter could pick up her gym clothes, and i see the gf's car in the drive way again, after he told me yesterday that she was staying away so that he could be alone and think. I was upset and i called him saying he lyed to me, he sad she had no bed in her house anymore, so she's staying there, but they're not sleeping together...she's being very smart and also sneaky, she know's how to play the game..couldn't she stay at her mom's couch?? that's not his problem, i think if she is there is cause he wants her there, he was the one who said to me yesterday, to call her and say that if she didn't leave, i would not bring my girls there next week? What does this all mean? I'm confused. How can that help me, if she gonna be around him all the time, reminding him how much she loves him, giving him affection, etc?...That's not fair, he's not giving me a fair chance..He also said that he doesn't know if he loves me enough to take me back. He said if she's fails the test and she's actually lyed to him, she will be gone, but if not, than he's not ready to send her away. I'm so heart broken and sad...i think i lost my husband this time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 10:40am
It is possible that you have lost him. I know that is so hard to think about and it is very very sad. I don't think you are going to help the situation by accusing him of lying. If he wants her around, she'll be around and you can't change that. If I were you, I'd tell him to take the time he needs, to figure out what he wants and if he's willing to give you another try, and if he does you'll be there. Then give him some space and just take care of yourself for now. It's not easy, but it's all you can do at this point.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 11:58am
I spoke to him on the phone earlier and he said that he has to do this right now...so i'm gonna leave it...but i also told him that i have not given up on our marriage, because i love him and i want our familly back together. I will not push the issue anymore, but i just don't know how the handle it if he decides to stays with her...He says he doesn't know what he wants right now, and the results of the test on saturday will help him decide what he wants. Somehow i feel like i have lost this man, but i can't accept the fact that he stays with her but still has feelings for me. I don't know what to do, i'm hopeless and exausted.