I'm Driving Myself Crazy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
I'm Driving Myself Crazy
4
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 11:11pm

There are times when I feel like my divorce was the best thing possible for me. There are times when I feel like my life is going to be so much better now that my EX is out of my life. However, there are other times when all I can do is think about him, think about the good times we had, and want him back. Maybe I'm just holding on to the dream of what I thought we were supposed to have togehter....the dream that never came true. I'm trying to be strong and take it day by day, but it just seems to be killing me.

I had to see him yesterday to go over some financial things and give him our daughter for his visitation. It killed me to watch them walk away. They had a big family wedding they were going too, and my daughter was the flower girl. It kills me that I am no longer in EVERY aspect of her life as well. I wanted to be a family so bad, but all he wanted to do was run around and have "big fun" all the time. We weren't even a glint in he eye. Now he wants to talk to me and be nice...why now? His family was always so mean to me when we were married, but now they are all being nice to me too. His sister calls me and wants to do stuff together...why now? Why didn't she want to try and have some kind of relationship with me when I was married to her brother?

I guess the whole wedding thing got to me this weekend. I don't begrudge his sister any happiness...I just wish that my marriage had worked out. Sometimes I just want to ask him if he thinks that we will ever be a family again...but then I stop myself. I remember all the things that he did to me and how he treated me, but I just can't stop idealizing what we should've had.

Is this a normal part of grieving the loss of my marriage? Should I talk to him about it, or just leave it alone.

So far I've been EXTREMELY nice and easy going with him on visitations and stuff like that. However, I can't help but think that I have underlying motives for my actions. I seem to be thinking that if I'm nice enough that somehow he will want me back.

I don't know....I'm just driving myself crazy with all of this.....

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 1:18am

kaity, i think that everything you are going thru is totally "normal". especially in light of the huge amount of stress you are under, as you wrote in your previous post. its normal to want what we "wanted to have" - even when we didn't have it. we had a dream of a family - and that dream didn't come true - but we still "want it back".


as to your dd: parents are NEVER going to be involved in EVERY aspect of their kid's lives. even if you were still married. that's just the way it is - your child is your child - but she is also a "person" in her own right, and she will have 'her' life, and she will have things that are 'her and daddy' and things that are 'her and mommy' and this is all fine.


and to be honest - i can get veeeeerrrry cynical around marriages - i am always thinking "will this be one of the 50% that makes it?" or i think "there is no way that they are going to stay married, she is so ...... and he is just so ......" but that's also ok!


<<<>> well, do you think that if he wanted you back then YOU would want to go back? i honestly think that this is best worked out in therapy. all the feelings, all the hurt and the anger and the longing - i really think you would do better in therapy. it took me a long time to be able to be honest with myself and say what i felt and stopped hiding behind words and "being nice" when it was the last thing i wanted to do. therapy helped me there.


good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 7:26pm
i dont have kids so i cant really say anything about that, but as far as the divorce itself i feel what youre going through is totally normal!
i was the one who wanted the divorce, and i still went through a lot of feelings of wanting him back. and i did realize that what i wanted back was what we USED to have, back before he got mean. i was wanting a fantasy that didnt exist anymore, and honestly it sounds like you may too.
good luck thinking through this!
:)
Avatar for babs25
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 8:18pm

Kait,
I know how you feel. My STBX and I don't have children together, but I have been nice to him, bending over backwards to do what he wants so I can appear nice, and just like you, I have to remind myself how he treated me when we were married. I wanted him to just love me, and enjoy being with me, he couldn't seem to grasp that. As for his family, it's the opposite with me, we were close when we were together, now I don't hear from them or see them, cuz he is so close to them that I think it would be difficult for them to do. I understand all the hurt feelings and the desire to try to make it work, but the only way I would see it for you, is if you 2 went to counselling and found out why things were the way they were, and if it could change. I wouldn't tell him how your feeling yet, you need to get some counselling yourself, just to help you cope. Look in to it, it will help in the long run. Don't give in to your feelings, you will get past them. Seek counselling, and work out your issues first, and see what happens.

Take care and stay strong...

Hugs
Barbara

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 12:13am
Oh Kait, i can imagine I woudl be really sad too if my dd was a flower girl & I couldnt be there! (((HUGS))) I am sure all this is normal, & i dont know your story, but you mention all the things he did to you. If you must, to get thru, just remind yourself how much BETTER OFF you are w/o all t hose things! HUGS

R~

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