I'm at the end of my rope
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I'm at the end of my rope
| Sun, 06-17-2007 - 7:09pm |
This is my first time ever doing a message board. I met my husband when I was 18. We dated for 8 years and got married. Two years later we had our son who is now 16 months old. When my son was 6 months, my husband started to get moody. I questioned him and he told me that he just felt like crap all the time. Two weeks later it was I don't feel like I love you, I want a divorce. I was shocked and of course thought there was someone else. There wasn't. I wanted to try (12 years and a baby is a lot to throw away). He was unwilling to try yet not ready to do something. For two months we were back and forth with him in and out of the house. We tried therapy but since he didn't want to change there was no point in couples therapy-we went seperate. During this time I uncovered some extra online activities while searching for the other woman-a reason for all this. No other woman but some internet cheating. I was able to get to the bottom, he felt emotionally abandonded after our son was born. He had a very troubled childhood, and his mother walked out on him. His father was not much better and died when he was a teenager. All unresolved issues. What is also going on that he won't admit is that he is scared of the responsibility. So in November, we had a fight on the phone and he went to the lawyer. He left the house and two weeks later was dating a girl whose husband cheated on her and she is divorcing. I am positive this was not going on before because I told him I would give him the divorce if it was and he said no. Two months later he moved in with her. As of right now we are still not legally seperated. I can change it to divorce for infedelity. This weekend he brought our 16 month old there for his weekend visit. I know it seems crazy but I was holding out to see if he would change. I know he is clearly running from problems and blaming me. He is emotionally abusive, he treats me like I was the one who did wrong, you know by having a baby and taking care of him. I know the marriage is over, but I can't seem to make my move. My husband is a very screwed up man who 10 months ago was in love with me. I don't know if it is the suddeness of it all, the end of the relationship, the quick entry of another woman, having to deal with her in my small boys life. I just feel completely overwhelmed and digusted. He is a different person and I feel like my husband died. I am a Christian and I take a strong stance with marriage. if my son were not in the picture I wouldn't even be having this conversation. I feel on one hand if I don't break from this man I will kill myself from the heartache. On the other hand I have a baby with him and divorce will not get him out of my life or stop his ill treatment of me. I believe in honoring my commitments and I am scared I will regret it and I that I was the one in the end who ended the marriage. I am so confused and would love to hear just ideas or perspectives. And yes I am in counseling. He is too because I blackmailed him into going to stay on my insurance, something I am not proud of.

mpat76...
PG thinks there's a major difference between "honoring your commitments" and realizing that no matter how YOU TRY...if your husband doesn't wish to 'try just as hard to keep your marriage intact'---the 2 of you are fighting a losing battle!
Is it just the insurance that's keeping you from seeing a divorce lawyer or marriage counsellor? Or do you HONESTLY think he's going to become faithful and devoted to you and your son?
Don't you his family history to make excuses for his actions toward you. A man either wants to be with his family and support them 100%....OR HE DOESN'T!
Pianoguy
Good luck to you!
I just wanted to toss in here that my xh is the one who wanted the divorce, but I didn't... I did what I felt I needed to do to attempt to save the remains of my marriage... that meant holding on and fighting (for the relationship) much longer than most felt I should have... but this wasn't about them, it was about me.
Your situation sounds similar to mine in a lot of ways.
My husband and I have had problems for about 2 1/2 years ago. When I was pregnant with my now 2 year old (had a one year old already) he cheated on me. I wanted to try because maybe it was just a mistake he made...blahblah! He and I have had a problem since them. He has never thought I was good enought to do anything. I needed to get a job but then he didn't want me to put the boys in daycare but it was my fault the house wasn't spotless with two infants... Just recently I noticed a change in my almost 4 year old after one of my husband and my fights and I said that we need to take a break to just step back...well that meant to him to start dating this lady he met. Our anniverary is May 4th and we decided this break on the 2nd and then the 5th he met her. He never even told me my sister in law asked him if he is going to try to work this out with me and he told her that he already met someone. She and I have been friends longer than I have known my husband but her husband is my husbands brother...so that is more drama. I had gone away for a week to the beach with my boys to just think about everything and I had a moment that I thought maybe I will ask him to get counseling as our last try, but then I found out he was dating her... he told me that everyone will get over our breakup easy and I that he hopes I am happy on day like he is. I was floored that 9 years together was so easy to get over. He has a 13 year old girl and she felt that I was another mother to her and my husband told me that she will not be affected by this...blahblah... he told her and she was so upset and told me that the would never want to meet her etc. I told her that if she did not to be upset if she likes her b/c I will be okay. Then last night my husband says that he is going to just have his daughter spend the night with him and the new girlfriend. I was crushed because I don't understand why I can just be dismissed like that. Its like everyone is going to get past this and like this new women and I will be left behind. I lose his family that I have always been close with (I saw them way more than him). I just don't understand.
I just wanted to say about the getting a divorce when you are ready that is true but you also need to see the big picture because if you know its over and you get to the point that you know you deserve better you need to move forward for closure and sanity. The only you put it off the longer it will take to get over it. I am still living in our house because it hasn't sold and I need to get out of here before I go nuts with all the memories. I don't know where I am going to live. I am at home with the boys and I sell Tupperware. Before I got married I made amazing money and had bought my own home at 23. I was so successful and I decided to raise my boys which I would never give up but I need to start living for me again so that my boys see how to be and not like there father. My husband's dad did the same thing to my mother in law that my husband is doing to me and I will break that pattern! Good luck I don't myself know I how I will ever get over this pain... all I hear is time with ease it.... time is going to slow!