I'm at the end of my rope

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
I'm at the end of my rope
8
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 7:09pm
This is my first time ever doing a message board. I met my husband when I was 18. We dated for 8 years and got married. Two years later we had our son who is now 16 months old. When my son was 6 months, my husband started to get moody. I questioned him and he told me that he just felt like crap all the time. Two weeks later it was I don't feel like I love you, I want a divorce. I was shocked and of course thought there was someone else. There wasn't. I wanted to try (12 years and a baby is a lot to throw away). He was unwilling to try yet not ready to do something. For two months we were back and forth with him in and out of the house. We tried therapy but since he didn't want to change there was no point in couples therapy-we went seperate. During this time I uncovered some extra online activities while searching for the other woman-a reason for all this. No other woman but some internet cheating. I was able to get to the bottom, he felt emotionally abandonded after our son was born. He had a very troubled childhood, and his mother walked out on him. His father was not much better and died when he was a teenager. All unresolved issues. What is also going on that he won't admit is that he is scared of the responsibility. So in November, we had a fight on the phone and he went to the lawyer. He left the house and two weeks later was dating a girl whose husband cheated on her and she is divorcing. I am positive this was not going on before because I told him I would give him the divorce if it was and he said no. Two months later he moved in with her. As of right now we are still not legally seperated. I can change it to divorce for infedelity. This weekend he brought our 16 month old there for his weekend visit. I know it seems crazy but I was holding out to see if he would change. I know he is clearly running from problems and blaming me. He is emotionally abusive, he treats me like I was the one who did wrong, you know by having a baby and taking care of him. I know the marriage is over, but I can't seem to make my move. My husband is a very screwed up man who 10 months ago was in love with me. I don't know if it is the suddeness of it all, the end of the relationship, the quick entry of another woman, having to deal with her in my small boys life. I just feel completely overwhelmed and digusted. He is a different person and I feel like my husband died. I am a Christian and I take a strong stance with marriage. if my son were not in the picture I wouldn't even be having this conversation. I feel on one hand if I don't break from this man I will kill myself from the heartache. On the other hand I have a baby with him and divorce will not get him out of my life or stop his ill treatment of me. I believe in honoring my commitments and I am scared I will regret it and I that I was the one in the end who ended the marriage. I am so confused and would love to hear just ideas or perspectives. And yes I am in counseling. He is too because I blackmailed him into going to stay on my insurance, something I am not proud of.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 2:21am

mpat76...

PG thinks there's a major difference between "honoring your commitments" and realizing that no matter how YOU TRY...if your husband doesn't wish to 'try just as hard to keep your marriage intact'---the 2 of you are fighting a losing battle!

Is it just the insurance that's keeping you from seeing a divorce lawyer or marriage counsellor? Or do you HONESTLY think he's going to become faithful and devoted to you and your son?

Don't you his family history to make excuses for his actions toward you. A man either wants to be with his family and support them 100%....OR HE DOESN'T!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 6:41am
I have a divorce lawyer. I am going to counseling myself. I blackmailed him to go for himself to stay on my health insurance. He's all about money these days and he has none. Oh, did I mention that during our three year marriage he put us into 55,000 of credit card debt. At this point, no I don't think he will come back to his family and no I don't think he wants to be there 100%. I just can't seem to make the move. Is it emotional? Probably. But thank you for the perspective.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 3:25pm
I was all for getting a divorce...until recently. I decided to just leave things as they are now, until I feel 'ready' for divorce, or at least not guilty about it. So I told him I'm not going to start the process any time soon, and if he wants to just jump right in to a divorce, that's up to him on his end. But I warned him if he did so any time soon I would contest it, and in our state that's an automatic 2 year waiting period before the divorce can go through. We've only been seperated a little over a month though, and I feel I need at least 6 months, maybe a year, who knows. But all I mean is if there is a little voice in the back of your mind telling you not to leap, then don't. Take as much time as you need for things to become clearer.
Good luck to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 7:41pm
Thanks for answering. I should have mentioned that I am in the process of filing for a seperaton that he started. I live in NY and you have to have grounds, one being a sep for a year before you can file for divorce. My husband has no grounds on me so he can only file for the sep. I can file for divorce or go with the sep. There is a little voice telling me to wait. I think I need to emotionally get to a place were I won't regret rushing or doin it in anger or as a reaction to say taking him to the girlfriends fr father's day weekend. Time and prayer I guess
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 9:43pm

I just wanted to toss in here that my xh is the one who wanted the divorce, but I didn't... I did what I felt I needed to do to attempt to save the remains of my marriage... that meant holding on and fighting (for the relationship) much longer than most felt I should have... but this wasn't about them, it was about me.

 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 7:31am
If you don't mind me asking, how long did you wait? Everyone that supports me still thinks I should wait. It's not that they think that the marriage can be saved, I don't feel that either. I think they just want me to take my time so I can feel at peace with it. For now, that is what I decided to do. I just feel so powerless against this. He wanted the baby so bad and when our son was born, he checked out. It makes me feel used if that makes any sense. He wasn't very involved for the first 6 months and then it was I don't feel like we have anything in commen, I don't feel like I love you and I don't want to change how I feel. Oh but my son is the most important thing to me. The thing is he is so hard and down right abusive right now and divorcing him won't change that. I will still have anger from his cruelty and I'll be divorced. I don't think he will change any time soon and I no longer have the burning desire for him to come back. I know one day he will feel a tremendous amount of pain and regret and he will never have the relationship he always wanted with his son. I guess I'm still shocked it happened to me. But thanks for the encouragement.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 10:14pm

Your situation sounds similar to mine in a lot of ways.

 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 8:22am

My husband and I have had problems for about 2 1/2 years ago. When I was pregnant with my now 2 year old (had a one year old already) he cheated on me. I wanted to try because maybe it was just a mistake he made...blahblah! He and I have had a problem since them. He has never thought I was good enought to do anything. I needed to get a job but then he didn't want me to put the boys in daycare but it was my fault the house wasn't spotless with two infants... Just recently I noticed a change in my almost 4 year old after one of my husband and my fights and I said that we need to take a break to just step back...well that meant to him to start dating this lady he met. Our anniverary is May 4th and we decided this break on the 2nd and then the 5th he met her. He never even told me my sister in law asked him if he is going to try to work this out with me and he told her that he already met someone. She and I have been friends longer than I have known my husband but her husband is my husbands brother...so that is more drama. I had gone away for a week to the beach with my boys to just think about everything and I had a moment that I thought maybe I will ask him to get counseling as our last try, but then I found out he was dating her... he told me that everyone will get over our breakup easy and I that he hopes I am happy on day like he is. I was floored that 9 years together was so easy to get over. He has a 13 year old girl and she felt that I was another mother to her and my husband told me that she will not be affected by this...blahblah... he told her and she was so upset and told me that the would never want to meet her etc. I told her that if she did not to be upset if she likes her b/c I will be okay. Then last night my husband says that he is going to just have his daughter spend the night with him and the new girlfriend. I was crushed because I don't understand why I can just be dismissed like that. Its like everyone is going to get past this and like this new women and I will be left behind. I lose his family that I have always been close with (I saw them way more than him). I just don't understand.

I just wanted to say about the getting a divorce when you are ready that is true but you also need to see the big picture because if you know its over and you get to the point that you know you deserve better you need to move forward for closure and sanity. The only you put it off the longer it will take to get over it. I am still living in our house because it hasn't sold and I need to get out of here before I go nuts with all the memories. I don't know where I am going to live. I am at home with the boys and I sell Tupperware. Before I got married I made amazing money and had bought my own home at 23. I was so successful and I decided to raise my boys which I would never give up but I need to start living for me again so that my boys see how to be and not like there father. My husband's dad did the same thing to my mother in law that my husband is doing to me and I will break that pattern! Good luck I don't myself know I how I will ever get over this pain... all I hear is time with ease it.... time is going to slow!