I'm feeling down today.
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| Mon, 04-24-2006 - 1:13pm |
Today is one of my bad days. I don't really know exactly why. I am so sad about getting a divorce, but I wasn't even happy when we were married... and he is having an affair with another woman. Sigh. I don't really have any other options at this point, and I know that it has to happen. The ball is in his court, and he has yet to pick the ball up.
He hasn't been there for DD... talked about reconciling last weekend... then avoided my calls all week then told me that his cell died. Right... got a $220 phone bill from stbx to ow. Went to drop DD off yesterday... was going to avoid him. Best friend was going to take DD in, but stbx wasn't there. His mom said that he left earlier in the morning and didn't know where he was. As I was about to pull away, he pulls up, wearing nothing but pajamas. Wonder where he had been... probably with ow having sex or talking to ow on phone. He had the same pajamas on at 5 pm last night, so I don't know. But it certainly didn't look good. Plus his mom said that he worked until 2 am the night before.. no he didnt'. He's never worked that late. That's besides the point. I mean I know that he's having an affair. But still, I don't want to have all of the details rubbed in my face. I ended up having to talk to him because he came up to the car. I stuck to business. Asked him if he read his divorce papers. He said that he only read PART of them.

Summer its completely normal to feel the way you are feeling. Its all part of the process, its completely a rollercoaster ride of emotions. When I was going through my divorce, I had to change my phone number becuase he felt he could call me whenever he felt like it although I wasn't allowed to have his phone number, I'd get home from work, having had a pretty good day to a message from him on the answering machine and just throw up what little food I managed to keep down that day, I lost 30 lbs in a month. It was a really horrible time.
You are going through what most people do. Don't expect that its going to be an easy process because it just isn't. And the added bonus of the cheating just adds to that. Sorry to say. I knew I would sit in the dark in my apartment thinking up all kinds of scenarios of where he was and what he was doing. Have you gone and spoke to a counselor yet? I know you've spokeno n the phone but have you seen someone in person yet?
Hugs...you will be okay, try not to think what you are going through is wrong, its just the normal process. You will have good days and bad, the bad tend to follow contact with the ex. Seeing him, hearing his voice, seeing a picture of him, hearing your wedding song on the radio etc. Something that reminds you of him...usually will trigger it. Hang in there you'll be okay.
All of this is perfectly normal. Ive been through this myself. Its been a little over 2 years for me and sometimes I still cry. I see him and it reminds me of what we had (when it was good) and I wonder if we could ever be again. My MIND knows I dont, cant trust him, my MIND knows that I couldnt accept him having to see the ow since he made twin girls with her, my MIND knows he hasnt changed based on his current behavior towards me but sometimes my HEART feels different. At times my HEART longs for the way it used to be the closeness, the companionship, the intimacy and knowing he's with someone else hurts. So since i know all of those things why was I crying this weekend missing what we had? What we had was a lie. It just something normal that we go through. We spent a big chunk of our lives with these men. Made a child together, were in love with them and thats hard to walk away from. The men always seem to be able to walk away so easily. He told me once that the best way to get over someone is to be with someone else. He's immature. This is clearly not a healthy way to do it. And because I know he hasnt properly dealt with the end of our relationship sometimes I wonder If when he grows up if ever will he want to come back? I cant wait for that to happen though.
There is this great song by Heather Headley: In My Mind. In some ways I feel like that with my ex. But there is this great verse in the song: they say if you lost something youve got to let it go, if it comes back then it means so much more. But if it never does than at least you will know, that it was something you had to go through to grow. That is what I will live by. Im gonna live my life. Ive accepted that a part of me will always love him and that's okay. I just refuse to be his second, third choice or doormat.
When my son came home from a visit saying the gf was crying, I have to admit I was a little happy, knowing finally that its not all a bed of roses between them. Mind you this gf is 19, he left the ow for her with two girls and he will be 30 on Wednesday. A real piece of crap but yet I was happy it wasnt all great between them and then when he showed up alone to pick up our son(she's always waiting in the car) I thought gee something big must have happened and I hoped they would break up. I was crushed when he called me later in the day and I heard her in the background. I was driving myself crazy saying WHY??????? am I feeling like this. It makes no sense at all because he is a real s.o.b. But then I listened to the song again.
Feel what you feel, then get ready for the next day, moment, whatever it is is. This will pass as did my feelings did this weekend. We'll be okay.
Summer, for me, I know I missed the IDEA of marriage more than the actual marriage itself. When I was having a particularly bad day, I would sit around and think of all the supposedly "wonderful times" we had together. When I found myself doing that, I would say, "Wait a minute!" What was so great about a marriage I was miserable in for so long? Then, I would think about all of the things I wouldn't miss or would make me angry (ie - not paying bills, being a slob, wasting money, never coming home. etc). That would help me realize that I wasn't leaving something fabulous!
I know it hurts. I also know that being in counseling helped me deal with A LOT of these feelings.
What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Yeah I think that it's the idea of marriage and not the actual marriage that I miss. I was thinking about this earlier, and I told my mom and my best friend that I was glad that I didn't have to deal with a,b,c,d,e,f,g.... etc anymore. But that I missed h,i,j,k and l.... and then I thought... wait. I didn't even enjoy those things half the time because he had absolutely no respect or consideration for me. I have done IC on the phone... he is just like, sounds like you are doing great! You don't need counseling anymore. OKay right... yes I do. I saw an IC at my college, and I got nothing out of it. She was terrible. So I called to switch to a new IC, and it was a big ordeal. But I am scheduled to see someone new on Thursday. It took 3 weeks to get in mind you, but I am seeing an IC in person on Thursday, which is good. Because our custody, support, visitation hearing is on Friday. Hopefully she'll be good. I can't really afford IC that costs and counseling is free over the phone through stbx's work and at my college in person.
Summer
Hey Summer...
I just wanted to send some hugs your way... I think that some of the ladies here had the idea right on target... missing the idea of the marriage... the one thing I know I miss more than anything is not having to have someone to scrub my back in the shower... it felt so good to have that done without having to turn into a controsionist, if you kwim...
I hope that you have gotten through today the best you can and that tomorrow finds you in a better place... this process is full of the ups and downs of the best rollar coasters and I'm hoping that you're enjoying some better days soon!
*hugs*
Julie
Hey, supermom, you're in college, too? ;)
I think that's great that you realized your counselor wasn't working for you and switched. Fortunately, my insurance covers my counseling sessions (minus the $10 copay) so I am in luck. Otherwise, I'd never be able to throw down that kind of money!
Let us know how your session goes this week and your visitation hearing on Friday. In the mean time, hang in there. You are doing well...you just don't realize it yet. HUGS!
What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Oh... when I put my DD in counseling, I called my insurance company and the place they wanted me to go to... where I'd have to pay out of pocket to meet my deductible first, then they'd pay 20%.... of counseling cost $130/hr!!!!!
So, at the time SO's DS was in counseling, through our wonderful state insurance program for kids that don't have insurance, and I really liked his counselor, so I inquired there if I could bring DD and just pay them cash.... for $56/hr. and they'd do a half hour for $35 where the other place would only do full hours.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson