I'm getting a divorce. There I said it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2011
I'm getting a divorce. There I said it.
3
Wed, 12-04-2013 - 12:38am

I haven't been on these boards for a long time, but they helped me very much when I was dealing with my husbands affairs so I thought I would reach out to another community that knows what I'm going through. 

This has been the worst year ever. In April my mom died from cancer. Soon after that I realized I just couldn't be in my marriage of 10 years anymore (cheating, lack of attention and no sex, all on his part). I told him I wantd a divorce in June and he begged me to stick with him a few more months. I saw him trying to change but I just knew I needed to get out. So in October I told him it was my final decision and in early November I moved into my dads. 

I've been in therapy Since July and it has helped with dealing with my mothers death and my decision to divorce. I know it's the right thing to do, I know he'll never be the man I deserve. But as I'm sure you all understand, this is hard. It's hard to be in my mothers home when she's not here and never coming back. It's hard to be away from the comfort of a marriage, even one that wasn't great. The weird part is we are very amicable so far. We handled the divorce paperwork and dividing assets with just my lawyer, both insisting we be as fair as we can. I turned 30 last week and he took me out, we had a good time. I don't know if it's making things easier or harder. 

I guess the thing is, I don't know how to do this. I've lost so much. I try to look for the silver linings and be thankful for the good things in life, but sometimes it's so hard. I feel like I have a million things to talk about but I guess I should just stick with the basics first. It's actually just nice to "say" these things, get them out there, off my mind a little bit. If you've made it this far, thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Wed, 12-04-2013 - 1:07am

Hi J,

Sometimes you just need to say/write things "out loud". It takes guts to do that, and it means you are accepting the reality of your situation, and I applaud you for that! I have always believed that you will never find the right mate for you, if you are spending time with the wrong one.

Being amicable is great, I was with my ex of 21 years, and we have gone on to raise two wonderful children,though divorced, and be fair and respectful to each other. But, if you don't have children together, it might be best to cut all ties,and truly move on from your soon to be ex. The birthday dinner was fine, but  it's time to put the past in the past. There is also a possibility that your almost ex might not be quite as "nice" if you want to fully move on, but just see that for what it is (emotional immaturity n his part), and move forward.

Also, big hugs in the sad loss of your Mom; I know that her life was truly blessed by a loving daughter like You! It's good you can be there for your Dad, and staying with him helps him, as well as you. You are wonderfully young, and have time to meet the right man and have a family, if that's what you want in life. Take some time to yourself,for yourself,and don't worry about another man,just yet.

Again, you are to be applauded for your strength, and I hope you'll keep us posted; I feel your life will get better each day that you are moving forward.

sincerely,

Pepper

Pepperjack7

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2013
Wed, 12-04-2013 - 12:09pm

Bless your little heart, you have had it rough! I lost my mom five years ago in April, and it's still hard, and I still miss her every day. Your courage and strength are amazing! Hang in there, things will get better...take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 12-05-2013 - 1:55am

Life is full of losses!  Grown children lose parents........that's the natural way of things.  But one has to accept the loss, and move on with their own life.  There is a limit to how much grieving is healthy.  You will "miss" her forever, but that doesn't mean your life ended with hers.  She wouldn't WANT that for you!  Divorce is also like a death......a marriage ends.  In some ways it's nice to have a friendly relationship with an ex.......but again, that has to end if you want to move on with your life.  You are a YOUNG woman, and you have a lot of years ahead of you, and you can choose to make them happy years or not. 

I'm more than twice as old as you......and I've had more losses in life than most people could imagine.......and I made the choice to go on with my life, and make it as happy as possible.  That's exactly what you have to do.  Life is wonderful if you make that.....make new friends, take up new interests......ENJOY life.....it's the only one you have.