I'm having a really bad night

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
I'm having a really bad night
6
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 12:24am

I'm 28 years old, married for 3 years on March 14th, no kids. My husband is currently deployed in Afghanistan, and a month ago he EMAILED me saying he wants a divorce. I want to stress that he did this by email. I never knew we even had an unhappy marriage, in fact I thought we had one of the strongest marriages I knew of. Turns out I was wrong. After he told me he wanted a divorce because he's "too young to be married" (he's younger than I am) and he's worried I'm going to want to have kids one day (he knows I don't), I then told him that we should at least try to work on the marriage (My god, we hardly ever even faught!). He says, okay, he'll work with me on the marriage. Well, the next day he sends me another email saying he cheated on me a year into our marriage (only kissed her he points out, but had feelings for her), and says that he has feelings for another woman over there!

Despite all of this I still decided I wanted to work on the marriage, partly because I have talked to someone over there and the woman he has feelings for said "give your wife a second chance" and pointed out that he's being a a complete jerk to me. Well, he doesn't want a second chance. He says he can't work on the marriage but can't tell me this over the phone because he can't stand to hear me cry. I am devastated because not only does he no longer want to be with me (I love him sooo much), but he has so little respect for me that he cheats on me and ends our marriage by email. We haven't corresponded in two weeks at all, but we haven't talked over the phone since he first broke the news to me.

I just don't understand how he went from being the most caring man I had ever been with to causing me the worst pain I have EVER felt in my life. He doesn't even know what I'm going through because he has chosen not to call or respond to my emails (except to tell me I'm being emotionally unstable!). I just can't believe it was so easy for him to leave me. I know the distance is making it a hell of a lot easier to run from his problems, but how can he be so cruel to me?! I can't even talk to him on the phone to yell at him or cry, which is what I need.

I feel like such a burden on my friends because they are friends that I've never been extremely close to. This is due to the fact that I'm living in Georgia but am from California. I feel like I have no one. My couselor and my mother-in-law are very supportive, but they both think I should wait until he gets back before I convince myself this marriage is over. But he is going to be over there until the end of November! I cannot take this rollercoaster of emotion and what I consider to be abuse for that long! My mother on the other hand is on as much of a rollercoaster as I am. Alternating between "maybe it's the stress of the deployment" to "I'll wring his neck!".

All of the mornings in the kitchen when we made breakfast together, all of the good times we had together. I tried to remind him of all of those great times, and he responded with "it was all a facade".

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 5:28am

Hi Breeze

I used to post on the Betrayed Spouse site which is also part of the ivillage community. If you still hope to salvage your marriage you might be able to get some good advice over there from talking to woman in the same situation as you. I'd cut and paste this whole post over there.

My H had an A for 6 years during our M and it's been a nightmare ever since I found out. We have 2 children. I've only just now decided to divorce him. Cheating is a dreadful thing to happen to you and your H may not be thinking clearly right now and may change his mind in the future if that's what you still want.

Be careful though Breeze, I'm divided as to whether I've done the right thing in trying to save my M after discovering the A or feeling like I've wasted another 3 years with a man who just doesn't love me.

I wish you all the best and once again suggest you visit the Betrayed Spouse site.

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 7:30am

You can either accept that he wants freedom now - perhaps he'll be back to sanity once back in homeland (I get the feeling that he just wants a "licence to cheat")... or start planning the divorce. You know, it is not final - you can still change your mind later!!! start talking it out with him, telling him what you expect, how it will work out, the expenses related to it (you can also tell him that as HE wants out HE should foot the bills hehe). Go have a chat with a lawyer - but given the years (3), the fact you don't have children (right?) and so on, it would be quite likely an easy process.

More difficult is the mourning of the dreams... the memory of cooking breakfast together, of so many shared times, hopes and dreams. Never forget that those existed. Don't let him pretend that they were a "facade", that is simply not true. He may need to believe that himself, but you were there as well, and they were true for you at least. Treasure those, because these memories will help you stay sane. Believe in them, and life will be good again, with or without him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 10:26am

Thank both of you so much for replying. It feels so good to talk to people actually going through a divorce/spouse leaving because all of my friends are single/not married, my parents aren't divorced, his parents aren't divorced, so I feel like a total failure at times. Gabby, I get through each day thinking "maybe he'll change his mind", but then I become furious because it makes me feel grateful, but then I think I shouldn't feel grateful to be with him. Like you said I don't know if I should try to forgive him and work things out simply for the fact that I feel so betrayed and I can never really trust him again. He very well may not change and will cheat on me in the future (could be doing it now for all I know). I love him so deeply, but when he gets back he'll be such a changed person in my eyes that I hope I won't take him back. I don't want to waste this next year or any others on him, but when I think of the "great" marriage I thought we had, then ALL I want is to have that back. I was so happy.

Folle_violaine, you do have a good idea in just moving along with the divorce because it doesn't have to be final. Let him know he should foot the bill and so on. Yes, a divorce is much easier for the two of us because we don't have kids and we both earn the roughly the same income, but that is almost more excruciating. It's awful to know that in Georgia the marriage I worked so hard on can be finalized in one month. It will be so easy for him, and that makes me furious!

I am feeling a lot better this morning, but I had bad dreams of him last night. He came back, and I spent my entire dream trying to convince him to work on this marriage with me. I tried to convince him that we were happy just a short time ago, but I couldn't even get him to talk or even look at me. Then SHE walked into my dream! I'm so glad to be awake again :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 12:34pm
Go to JAG on the base and get legal advice. My husband is in Iraq and I am filing for a separation because after 13 years of mariage, during which he has cheated thousands of time, I can't do it anymore. There are great men in the military and I support every single one of them for the work they do but unfortunetly the families suffer a lot. Cheating is a big thing in that world and although "not legal" by their regulations, it happens non stop and nothing is really done about it. You could contact his commander and tell about H affair and give the name of the woman, both would get in serious problems but would that save your mariage? I doubt it. I know it is painfull I have been there many times and like you I tried. Today, the separation is a relief. I do not worry about what he does, who he sees....After Ira, my H will leave for another deployment for another year. If you do not trust your husband because of his past behavior, his deployment will be really difficult to handle, harder than now.
Protect yourself legaly and emotionaly.
Good luck
lydia
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 3:24pm

Hey

I have not read the replies to this yet but I figured I would share my story with you. I'm very young, I got married eight months ago and I moved from my home state to my husbands home state which is 549 miles from where I am from. I was living up there with him and he recently just got a traveling job and was sent far away for like two weeks, so being that I did not go home for christmas I decided to go home while he was away. Later during the week he called me at my moms and said he was going to be working there for a really long time so I got all upset and I said I would just stay down at my moms until he was done b/c I didnt really know anyone where we lived. Well he got mad and said he was done and he wanted a divorce b/c he didnt want to have to worry about a woman's feelings when he had to work.........I didnt believe him so when I flew home he called and again and said we were over so I packed all my stuff and moved back home. That was so hard and painful, well two weeks later he called saying he was being irrational and he wanted to work things out so I said ok. Well we have been working on things a little but I want to see him so im working down here and i said i wanted to fly to visit him where he is and he says that he came promise he will be there b/c they switch places alot and he never knows where he is going to be so i said if you dont want to see me than just tell me and he said he would but that's not what it is he dont know where is going to be so its like a never ending story..............he's an ass what do think i should do

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 10:52am
Yep, I went to JAG last week because I wasn't sure if I was going to be receiving divorce papers in the mail. I needed to know what my rights are and what his are. Turns out while he's over there he can't file. It's nice to know that I have the upperhand in this, for now at least. Yes, cheating is very prevelant in the military, but I just never thought he would do it. You are right in that I cannot expect him to change especially if he doesn't even want to, which he doesn't. I have also posted this discussion in the betrayed spouses board, and I have given a little update on the situation.