I'm at an impass...or am I?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
I'm at an impass...or am I?
5
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 11:50am

I have been in a LDR with a younger man who lives in the next state over about 6.5 hours away. We have been dating for 2 1/2 years and engaged for almost 2. He won't move to my small town because there isn't a lot of job opportunity here (I commute a half hour away to work) and I went through a relocation trial this past spring to move out with him (I have a 7 year old daughter) but lost. So now he says he is willing to move to the closest city near me which is about a half hour away but I have been through enough and told him I wasn't going to even consider moving unless we were married first. He doesn't like that idea and says if we hate living together he doesn't want to be stuck married and resentful. I am pretty much on my way to cutting my losses and ending this relationship. I feel like I have gone through enough with the trial and now have to look at what's best for my DD who is settled in school and who's father lives a mile away. I just feel like I have wasted over two years trying to be with someone who has put too many stipulations on me not living where I live. I have family all around me who help me out tremendously and have made a pretty good network of friends in the past year.

On top of it my XH is getting married today in Ireland to a woman he has known four months. I just feel like I can get a grip on the world today.

Sorry...I guess this a rant more than anything...I guess I just needed to talk about it...

Lola

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 12:57pm

Hi Lola.... while I can understand why your fiance can't just give up financial security.... surely there must be some compromise... and it just doesn't sound like he's willing to give much.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 1:27pm

I guess I am just beating a dead horse. My fiancee knew my situation when he met me (that my XH lived close by and wouldn't let me move away) but he insisted that I try anyway and that's how we ended up in a relocation trial. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. And even now after it's done and the ruling has been for me to stay or leave my daughter with my XH, my fiancee still pushes me to move. Granted it's not that far of a move but I feel like I have been through a war this past year and my XH might fight me to stay in the county. I am just not ready for another battle. My fiancee doesn't want me to give up but I don't know at what expense. I guess I feel that if he really wanted to be with me then he would sacrifice a little in the job department. I work full time with good benefits and even if he couldn't make what he is making now, our two incomes combined would suffice (at least until we knew what we were going to do). I own my home and my mortgage payments are less than rent in most places. I guess I just don't get it.

As far as the XH goes, he never wanted to travel either while we were married. He didn't want to leave the guns at home and the dog but I know now it was just because he didn't want to travel with me. It hurts but I have learned from that relationship and hope I can with this one also.

Thanks for listening...

Lola

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 1:53pm

No problem... any time!


I think that sometimes people can't relate to what it's like to have children.... the importance of stability, especially when they can have a great relationship with both parents in divorce.... and to realize that.... they don't stay kids forever.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 2:44pm

Karen...your last paragraph hit home so hard with me. That is exactly how I feel about things and with some hope and prayers it might end up that way. I feel that I have to put my DD first no matter what and my fiancee sometimes doesn't see eye to eye on that. He's never had kids and is still young so I think the differences are becoming much bigger than they might have been a year ago. If I were not a divorced mom things were be totally different of course. He thinks that if there is better opportunities making money then that's what I should be chasing. I disagree completely.

Anyway without rambling on any further...you hit the nail on the head as far as I am concerned. I tend to find that I like the activities that I do for my daughter (PTA, Girl Scouts) better than doing something for myself. Call me crazy!!

Lola

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 3:21pm

In a way.... doing activities that support my children are doing things for me.... even though it might not be a day at the spa or lunch with girlfriends!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~