I'm New

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2006
I'm New
4
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 10:58pm

I have to say that I'm so glad I stumbled upon this site. I have been looking for some kind of divorce support for the over two months! I can't believe how hard it is to find! Now, for a brief synopsis of my story and the reason I need this site...

On October 22, my husband of 12 years left me and our two young children (daughter who is 9, son who is 6) to pursue a relationship with a girl who is 10 years younger than him (12 years younger than me). To make matters worse, we had just sold our house and were in the process (that day) of moving into an apartment while we were waiting for the house we were building to be complete. Needless to say, I was devastated! I never knew he was unhappy! He never told me! We had our usual disagreements, but we didn't fight! The "issues" we did have were normal everyday things that I never thought was worth divorcing over! I had never even considered divorce! Anyway, I immediately got myself and our kids into counseling which has been great but I'm having a very hard time moving on. My self esteem is gone and I am scared to death to be alone. I became depressed and had to go on anti-depressants for the first time in my life! This has shook me to the core and I don't know how to move on.

We haven't filed for divorce yet. I don't think he wants the hassel of doing it and I just can't seem to let go enough to do it yet. I know I need to, especially since I am going ahead with finishing and buying the house by myself. (He signed his name of the deed already) I just don't know how to make myself get an attorney and go through with filing. I don't want him back...I just don't want to be alone. How do I move on? HELP!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: ima_cali_rn
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 6:34pm
Sorry you are going through this. Know we are here and understand. Pull up a chair anytime and vent, cry, or laugh.
I never knew my ex was unhappy either. He didn't tell me. He says now, I should have known it was obvious. He's probably right. If I had been in tune totally with him I probably would have seen it, but I had started to take care of me. He was no longer my number one priority and it was too much for him to handle. We argued a little not anything I would consider out of the norm, but again it was too much. He is self centered and must have all the attention. If you ask him, this is all my fault just like everything else that ever went wrong. He's wrong it took failure on both our parts.
If you don't want to file don't. Make him stand up and be a man. He wants out make him work for it. If you decide it's time to let him go you will have the strength to see a lawyer and take care of business.
I am nearly 40 yo and I don't want to be alone either, but now I am. I am trying to learn to be happy with me and I am told that companionship will follow. I hate this, but it is my life and now I must deal with it.
To move on, take one day at a time. Each one will get easier. 10mo later the good ones out number the bad.
I am so sorry for you. I know your pain. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ima_cali_rn
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 6:47pm

Hi and welcome... I'm glad you're here... I'm sorry you have come to the point in your life where you need to be here, but going through something like this is life changing and the people on this board have been an incredible support for me...

I'm glad to hear that you've gotten yourself and the kids into counseling... that will help a great deal... as far as moving on, that takes time... your post advises that you were married to him for 12 years... he's been gone for not even three months yet... this will take time, but you will get through it and survive!

Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't love you? Do you really want to be with someone just to be with someone? Or do you want to love the one your with and have him think the world of you too? Being alone isn't easy, but I'd take it anyday over life with my xh... at least the man my xh is today...

You say you don't want to file, and that is fine... I understand that and felt the same way for the longest time... Financially, is your stbx helping with the children? paying child support? If not, I do encourage you at minimum to get with an attorney and file for a temporary child support order. They are not solely your responsibility and you should not be burdened with their expenses when he is responsible as well... I know when my xh and I initially separated, I didn't care about the money... I made more than he did those days and all I wanted was my xh back... then one day, I got mad because I was sick of him not helping with our son... six months went by and I got one pack of diapers and $50... I would also speak with an attorney to determine what your rights are and what your children's rights are... being informed, even when you do not wish to move forward with things at the time, will give you power... Knowledge is power...

Good Luck and keep us posted!

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
In reply to: ima_cali_rn
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 7:28pm

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad right now. I too am new here, my husband of 18 years just moved out last week. It's not what I want and I wanted a life with him, no matter how bad things were at times, and believe me they are bad. But even though it has only been a week I think being here with all of these wonderfully supportive people has made me stronger. I expect more bad days, I know they will come. But today, this week, I have decided that why am I going to sit here and wait and hope for a man to love and want me who does not want me. I want a better life and I don't want to wait and hope for him to return. I want to start my life and find me, and if I get lucky, find a man who does want me.

Stand up dust yourself off and begin to day to promise yourself to be stonger for you and for your kids. Start you life today, we will all be here to help you. Tell us when you are sad or hurting or angry or hell even when you are happy. But get up and start finding what do you want for yourself now, what dreams or desires have you pushed to the side to be strong or focus on someone else.

Hugs to you. We are here for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: ima_cali_rn
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 8:52pm

Change isn't easy.... even when you know it's inevitable, but trust me.... you should at least talk to an attorney to find out what your rights and responsibilities are.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~