I'm new and need advice quickly

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
I'm new and need advice quickly
16
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 10:45pm

Hi, I'm new to this message board and I need advice quick. My husband and I have been married 11 years and haven't been happy for the past year. Last September he bought a new car, a sporty little race car. He is 39 and I am 34. Since he got this car and joined a club with this car, we hardly see him, "we" is myself and my two adorable kids, and when we do see him he doesn't seem bothered to be around us. Never asking us how we are or what we are up to etc. I tried talking to him last Thursday and thought it was a good talk about whether we wanted to save the marriage or not, but soon after he went out and visited a couple of his new friends from the club. He didn't return until 3am. To cut a long story short and to hopefully get some advice, tonight was the last straw when he decided to go and meet one of his buddies for dinner instead of staying in and having the dinner I had prepared, which I had made a real effort of. I have decided that tomorrow I am going to find myself a lawyer and file the papers for separation. I am fed up with him walking all over me and the kids.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what I talk to the lawyer about? How long does it take to file the papers? When should I tell him I am filing the papers? Should I tomorrow or wait?

I haven't told you guys even 10% of what has happened, I thought I would make it short so that you don't get bored and leave.

Any help and advice would be really appreciated.

Thanks

Anne

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 11:18pm

You can make it long, we'll listen. Have you ever discussed counseling? Was he willing or did you try that? Have you discussed divorce before? Will this be a surprise to him?

My general feeling is to tell him before you file (it doesn't have to be tomorrow, it can be after you have time to digest what the attorney has to tell you). I wonder if he shows no interest in the family, what he'll want to happen after you separate as far as his time with the children? Are his new friends more important than seeing his children, even if the only way he see's them is by scheduling it?

What you file and how long it takes is different in every state. The attorney should give you a sense of what the process is, who files what, how long it typically takes, how much he/she will charge, whether there will be a retainer fee (usually is), what you can expect, do you have to go to court (I didn't), what legal concerns you should have regarding custody, the definitions of physical and legal custody and what that means in your state. I would take any papers you can such as bank or investment statements and pay stubs. The attorney should give you a sense of how child support works in your state and may be able to estimate it for you.

All attorney's are not created equal. The attorney is there to provide a service to you, and you should get what you pay for. If you think you'll have a huge fight on your hands, you don't want a passive attorney with an overload of cases. If you expect your husband will agree to most things and you just need someone to make it happen and protect your rights, then you don't want an attorney eager for a big expensive drawn out fight. You should feel comfortable with your attorney and know that you can ask any question and get a straight answer. My sister is an attorney (not in divorce law) and when I first went to one she told me to ask the question "Do you return all messages the same day?" She said an attorney who doesn't return calls promptly is a bad sign (mine didn't always call back that day, but she was reliable enough and did a great job overall). I liked my attorney. She talked fast but I figure that saved me money. She was all business and she did just what I needed her to do.

I'm sure your mind is racing and if you want to let the rest of the story out, even if just to get it off your chest, feel free. That's what we're here for.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 12:03am

Thanks for your reply. My husband would never go to councelling. I did suggest it on Thursday, he wasn't interested. I have tried soo hard recently to be the perfect wife, and he takes it and loves it, but I get nothing in return. I had put up with him being away all weekend with his car buddies and all I asked for was for him to Spend Sunday with us, his family, he said ok he will. He was out Thursday until 3am, Friday until 1am and on Saturday I asked him not to be late home because he promised to spend Sunday with us and I didn't want him tired for the day out. What time does he get home? 5am Sunday morning. To cut the story short again, Sunday was a waste of time. We didn't do what the kids wanted because he wasn't up for it. We did something else and he might as well shouldn't have been there. He wasn't part of our family, he walked about 10-15 feet infront of us most of the time, hardly spoke to us and as soon as we got home from our 2 hour day out, he went to bed. I'm am fed up trying to make this marriage work by myself. The kids are suffering and so am I. I want to be happy and I'm not happy where I am.

A friend of mine who has just gone through a divorce has said I can stop being nice. It is not getting us anywhere. This divorce needs to happen. The sooner the better.

Thanks
Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 12:47am

Choice 1: get an attorney and file for a divorce.

Choice 2: suck it up.

Those are your choices.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 6:23am

Choice #1 it is.

I'm done sucking it up. I want out. But I'm not moving out. That's the one thing my friend told me not to do if I can, is don't let him have the house. This is my home to, even though it doesn't seem like it anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 7:29am

Hi Anne!


You didn't indicate the ages of your children.....but keep in mind that both have to be "factored in" too?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 8:02am

I don't know if you should stop being nice. Being nice has a lot of up side and not much down side. What you should do is stop taking it, stop letting him walk all over you. If what you need is to be free of him, then do that, kick him out and file (if you can kick him out, some states make that hard, but either way you can stand your ground to keep the house) but be nice doing it. Being nice takes you farther, and IMHO you get more of what you want that way. I'm thinking that she said that regarding the divorce, in that you should let him have it and fight for everything you can get. I don't like that approach, becuase it ends up becoming part of you, because you end up focusing so much energy on hurting him vs. just ending in nicely and going your separate ways.

Being nice also sets a good example for the children. They see that if someone treats you poorly, there are consequences for them, but that doesn't mean you have to turn into a bitter angry person, you can still be nice to that person who treated you poorly. It shows them how to be the bigger person.




Edited 6/15/2005 8:05 am ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 9:08am

I didn't mean that I would start being a bitch, because that's not me. I just meant that I don't want to take his crap anymore. I need to stand up for myself and tell him that I don't like what he's doing to me or this family. Last night after he went out, my 5 year old son asked me "Why does daddy always go out?". That hit me hard. My kids are hurting because of this and that hurts me so much.

I asked him last Thursday to move out to give us some time to figure out what we want, but he refused saying that this was his home. My friend had the same problem with her husband. Her lawyer said she couldn't force him out unless he was abusive. My husband isn't abusive he's just a selfish pig.

Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 10:11am
There's definitely nothing wrong with refusing to let him walk all over you; as long as you do your best to be civil, I'd say you're still being nice. Hopefully you will be able to come to some agreement about living arrangements. He may change his mind when he sees you're serious about this. You also might want to look at what your other options are as far as living arrangements go (he keeps the house and you move out, or you sell it and both move) in case he won't agree to your preference. It took me about 2 months to get my ex to finally move out, and they were 2 very long months. He also harrassed me for a while after he moved out, asking to come back and telling other people I had "put him out". I ended up moving a few months later so he'd leave me alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 10:46am

Hello and Welcome!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 9:31am

Well I have an appointment with a lawyer this morning and I am so nervous. I have never met with a lawyer before and I know there are going to be things I just forget to ask him. I have started making a list of questions but I'm sure I haven't thought of everything. If anyone has any good questions I should ask please feel free to let me know. Help is needed.

We had a family dinner last night with all his family. I was going to back out of it, because I didn't want to sit there putting on a fake face for all to see, but I thought "Sod it", this is exactly what his Ex-wife did before they split and his family hated her for it and other things she did. I really love his family, they have been so good to me this whole time and I didn't want to ruin the evening for them. In fact the next few days there are a few family functions planned which I would rather not go to, but should, 1st one being my stepson's High School Graduation this afternoon, with a get-together here afterwards and then other plans this weekend. Anyway to get back to last night, I went to dinner with the family and me and my husband sat at different tables, the kids were with me and the female part of his family, my husband with his brothers and son. Anyway that worked out quite well for me. On the way home we hardly said a word to each other. As soon as we got home he went out, didn't bother telling me where he was going or what time he would be back. He even had the gaul (not sure of spelling) to try and kiss me goodbye. Forget that. This is becoming a nightly thing for him, to go out after, or sometimes before dinner, and not get back until late.

Anyway to get back to my appointment this morning. I have decided that if I like this lawyer and like what he says about my case, I'm just going to tell him to go ahead and file those papers. I'm done with this marriage and I'm pretty sure my husband is also.

Thanks for listening. If you think of any questions for me to ask the lawyer please let me know asap. My appointment is at 10.30, which is only 4 hours away.

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