I'm new to this board - scared & confuse
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 10-22-2006 - 10:45am |
I'm new to this board - so let me tell you a little about myself: This is very long - but this is like a diary I've been keeping. I feel really alone.
I have been married for 21 years - at least 20 of them my husband has been a truck driver. We have two children one that is a senior in high school and one that is an 8th grader. My husband has so many good points...he can literally fix anything..he can spend 3 hours fixing a two dollar toy, he can do plumbing, electrical, work on cars, homes, etc. He cleans the house way better than I can. Sounds good --- well it's far from good. He has had so many jobs he is on his 5th one this year....we have had a very rocky 21 year marriage and 4 years of dating before that. He is a drug addict - he will be clean for a while and then he gets right back on the stuff. We have been through a 28 day rehab years ago, we have been through him being locked up for crack cocaine possession - then we went through a week in detox....he isn't violent, but I really think his mind is just burned out. I have stayed with him through him having an affair (I don't know how many he has had out on the road - the one I'm talking about was with a person right here in our home town) He was actually taking her on the road with him and he has never even taken me on the road with him (not that I would go). When he is home he will spend hours and hours playing with our son and his best friend - he builds them things, plays football, basketball and everything else you can think of. His entire family thinks that I should have left him years ago (along with everyone else that I know) I honestly don't know why I haven't left - other than that he is the father of my children - and I don't want to put them through a divorce. He left two weeks ( On the 17th of September) ago and hasn't been home since - he hasn't called us since the 25th - he talked to my son about 10:00 p.m. that night. I can't make it on my income alone. I filed bankruptcy last October because he had been out of a job and we were so far behind - but even after filing - I just can't make it - the job he has now - he has had since June - well he was suppose to be home every weekend - he has been home one weekend since June. He was dragging in here on Saturday night late - then it got to be Sunday or Sunday evening (he never claimed he was working on the weekend just crazy mess) well the weekend of September 23rd he didn't come home at all...he showed up in our town on Monday the 25th - I met him he gave me some money and said he had been just sitting in a truck stop all weekend because his bosses had left town without paying him...never picked up the phone to call or anything. He hasn't been heard from since. The company he works for only has cell phones - which is strange in itself - nobody at the company will return a call to me, his mother, his sister, or the Sheriff's dept. We reported him as a missing person last night. He had a fine that was due yesterday for speeding that he didn't pay - they said his license would be suspended. Someone called late last night that he called - not a family member or anything - and said that he said he is now living in his truck and he's not happy at home anymore. I don't know what to do - he is probably strung out on drugs again - and he probably is seeing someone else. My common sense tells me to leave him - well I guess he has technically left me. His cell phone is in my name so I had it cut off on the 29th. He has a work phone he won't answer - we have tried calling from at least 50 different numbers and even the law has tried calling it. He just isn't answering for anyone. His mother thought he may be dead - but then he pops up and calls a woman last night (on the same phone number he won't answer) and she calls us. I think he is obviously staying somewhere every weekend (at least it was parts of the weekend and now for the past two it has been the entire weekend). I have never run around on him - he's not the jealous type at all so it probably never crosses his mind that I would. I don't do anything but work, and take care of the kids - go to all their ball games and all. How can he do this to me??? Of course someone said he has been doing it all these years...he won't even return phone calls to our son or daughter. Even if he doesn't want me anymore shouldn't he want contact with them. If someone would have died - we would have had to bury them by now since he has had no contact at all. My heart is broke, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm so lonely....I'm trying to be brave and strong for my children. It is so hard for me to go to work everyday and to be able to make it through the day. I know this is long and I know that people don't like hearing about things that other people's husbands are doing wrong. I am screaming emotionally on the inside and I needed someone to vent to. It is 4:29 a.m. and I have been up for about 2 hours - even after taking tylenol p.m. I have called that stupid work cell phone of his 20 times in the past two hours - how can he call another woman but not call his children- this is the 1st week that he hasn't brought home money since he started this job. I honestly do hope that they suspend his license - if he is back on drugs - he doesn't need to be driving a truck.
I still haven't heard a word from my husband - but strangely enough the local Sheriff's dept called me this afternoon and said that my husband had called them - he said he heard from a friend that we had reported him missing and that he wasn't missing that he was in Florida with a load and that he has been working the entire time. The deputy told him that we had not heard from him and that his son was very upset and he should call us. He told the deputy that he "might" do that tonite. He said that he was trying to work through alot of things and that "he was tired of being dragged through the mud". I can't even understand that quote - unless he is talking about us reporting him missing to the law. But 5 minutes after he called the deputy my daughter tried to reach him on the phone and once again he won't answer for any of us. He knows how much I depend on his check - and he didn't bring one this week - I don't know what he thinks we are doing - I don't think he cares. My daughter says you can send txt messages to a Nextel link cell phone. We have went on-line and done several to him - but he hasn't responded. His mother is devastated - she said to just let him go - and I think if he would just call me and say I'm not happy in our marriage and I want it to end...that I could probably let go --- but it is so hard for me to make that decision without hearing from him. He must be strung out again or either has a girlfriend somewhere - it kills me to even type those words.
I am so angry this morning - I asked my children if he called after I went to sleep last night and he didn't. His name isn't on our home, land, etc. I live next door to my parents - and they are helping me. I have a good job with benefits - but when you are use to a two income family (that's a laugh though - becuase lots of times he doesn't have a job - and heaven knows when he does how much he will give me) but since June he has been giving me at least $500.00 a week and we were finally beginning to catch up on things - sort of anyway. I don't guess he cares that if he leaves me he has no type of insurance whatsoever. I'm going to try and see if I can drop his truck insurance today - but I think that it will be next month. It kills my soul that he called the law to say he was fine instead of calling us. I am very close to his family - they said I would always be part of them - it is him that they aren't very close to - of course alot of people say if we divorce that things will probably change. My daughter says she doesn't believe in divorce - she asked me a few minutes ago how would divorce be any different than how we are now - I told her at least everyone in this small town wouldn't be talking about me and how I'm letting him make a fool out of us. It is honestly so out of character for him not to be in touch with our son expecially. He must be really strung out...I pray that his license does get suspended - he told that woman he called that he paid the fine on Wednesday - but the courts say he didn't. I just hope that they expedite the process of suspending them. But if they send a letter here saying they are suspended - he won't know - since he isn't calling. I pray he sends me some money today....it's hard to believe that one week without any can throw you so far behind - but we have always lived paycheck to paycheck.
I finally got to talk to his boss (or at least someone at his company) yesterday..I left a message on the voice mail asking what kind of company did they have that wouldn't return a call after having so many messages left - anyway he called be back at work. He said that he had been giving my husband the messages and that he couldn't make him call us - I said I agree with that but - that he could have at least let us know that he had given him the messages and that would have saved us from having to go to the sheriff's dept to make the missing person report. I told him that my husbands license would be suspended within the next week because of a fine that wasn't paid - and I told him that it wasn't coming from a mad wife but from the local Sheriff's dept. I also told him that I didn't know if his company did drug testing or not but that I would highly suggest it. He told me that they do drug testing. He told me that they were having some problems with my husband - that he had begun not making the loads on time and that there were some other issues that he couldn't tell me about until he was sure of. He told me that they were suppose to be having a meeting with him yesterday afternoon and that he would call me back after I got home to let me know what he found out. He did tell me that he thought some fraud was going on - that he thought there was the possibility that he was using his fleet card to fill other truckers trucks up...well that makes sense to me that he is probably getting cash from the other drivers to purchase drugs...or maybe trading the gas for drugs (of course I didn't tell the man this - I'm sure he probably could figure that out on his own.) I never heard from his boss again last night. His mama thought that he would probably get fired and get someone to bring him home today - but nobody has heard anything. If he showed up for their meeting he may be in jail....I just don't know...but I'm not calling the company back again. It took me an entire week to get in touch with them. And I spoke my mind. It is so sad to know that there is no way that me or the kids will get any money this week - we didn't get any last week either - I only get paid once a month. I know that sometimes addicts can get over addictions - and each time I think that maybe he is over his ---- it pops back up again - but this time must really be bad...to actually be stealing from a company...the man didn't tell me how long he thinks this has been going on. Of course he has only been working their since June - so surely if it had been happening for very long they would have caught it by now.
Well...after nearly 3 weeks - he finally showed up at the door Sunday night October 8th about 8:00. He didn't use the key - he knocked - I asked who's there and he said me...I opened the door - my son said where have you been all this time. I asked him who brought him home he said a friend...he said he came to get his truck (his personal truck) - I said "you aren't leaving tonight I know" He said I have to. I told him if he did that it was over....he kept saying he had to....I cried, I cried, I cried,,,,,I kept asking why he was doing this to us that I had stood beside him through so much over these 21 years and this was the thanks that I got....he said that he was sorry that he was "mixed up in the head" - he swore it wasn't drugs...said he needed two weeks to get his head straight...I told him that he had been gone 3 weeks already and that if he walked out of the door that it was for good. My daughter wasn't home - my son and his best friend went out on the porch and called my parents - they came over to find me crying and asking him over and over why. He told them he was going to take care of me and the kids. Told them he wasn't seeing anyone else and wasn't on drugs. They went back outside. I told him if he was taking his truck he may as well tell his friend that he could go on home to his wife and family (about an hour away) I didn't know the friend - an older fellow - my parents and my sons friend all talked to him though. He told me that he had lost his job - he swore it was a lie about the man accusing him of selling fuel off the fleet card. He said the man was running a company illegally...which I had already figured when nobody from the company he worked for would return calls to the Sheriff's dept or to the DMV. It really didn't matter why he was fired to me though - I didn't like the job at all.....he said the man refused to give him his last check - don't know whether that was true or not - nor do I care - I just no he had no money to give me. He said he did - pay his fine..... any way things didn't go good -- he kept saying things like - he hasn't been happy in years and that we had never been "best friends" which we haven't but that's nothing new. Those are just things that he normally would never ever say. He did give me the house keys after I insisted - although he assured me he wouldn't come in without me being there(my dad asked him is he was planning on just leaving why he didn't come get his truck on a day when we were gone) he said because he didn't want to do it the chicken way. After about an hour or so I called my parents and told them they could send my son home so he could tell his daddy bye. By that time my daughter was home also - they both came in - we were all 4 crying. He talked to our children for a while - I was sitting there - he told them that he would come back. Said he had to go get all of his stuff that they were in a hotel room that he had rented in the northern part of the state but that he would come back. He played with my son for a while....told my daughter he would be there for the football game this weekend and to go to the fair with us. I offered to go with him to get his stuff and he said no that it was so late and would take a few hours to get there - I asked did he even have money to put gas in his truck (I didn't have any to give him anyway)...he said there was a little in it....he kissed me by told us he loved us and wouldn't be able to call us since his cell phone with us was cut off and the one with the company was given back but that he would see us sometimes Monday. I said fine and that we could begin to work things out. I told him to take the keys - he left and we haven't heard a word since --- my children are so upset....their grandma said she couldn't believe that they believed him --- but honestly for some stupid reason I did too....and tomorrow will be Friday. No phone call from a pay phone, from a friends phone or anything. Some people say it sounds like he may be messed up in something really bad because he kept saying "he HAD to leave" sort of like he didn't want us around anything bad. I don't know if it is drugs, or something worse........but I do know that I think that I was better off and I know that my children were before Sunday night. Please keep my family in your prayers.
You know - he said Sunday night "maybe it is a mid-life crisis or something; I just don't know". I really wish I knew if it was drugs again or if he has someone else...of course everyone keeps telling me...if it is someone else she is probably on drugs also -- the one years ago was --- because everyone says "nobody but you would put up with him". I wish to goodness that I could quit thinking about how much he is able to do....I am so use to him being here - even though it was only on the weekends to fix everything...and seriously he really has that knack for being able to fix things. I may try and find a part time job in the evenings ... I get off at 4:00 from my regular job. My mama keeps saying that he has got to give you some money - well there is no way on earth to get in touch with him - I know for a fact that he lost his job last Friday - he probably doesn't even have a job - so I can't make him give me anything if I can't even talk to him. If I decide to file for divorce - it would be so hard for child support to ever even catch up with him - this last job was his 5th or 6th one this year alone. I can't make myself understand - why I'm not hating him at this point - I keep telling myself that he has never been physically abusive, verbally abusive, that he is one of the most easy going people I know - I guess drugs will do that to you after years and years...Everyone around me reminds me of all the bad stuff - like the lies, lies, lies, him being gone all these years - but most truck drivers are gone and at least until this past job he was home every weekend. What am I going to do?? I don't know - there is really nothing that I can do at this point - I can't talk to him - I'm not going to try and follow him (you wouldn't believe how many people have suggested that - I never have in all the years we have been married and I'm not going to start now). I really hope that wherever he is today that he is as miserable as #@@$^%! Even if he doesn't want to talk to me --- how can he not want to talk to his 13 year old son and his 17 year old daughter? He told her he would be home for her football game last night - it was 2 hours away - and he knows that I'm so awful with directions......I know that the people on this board are tired of me carrying on and on - but nobody else wants to hear me either. Most people on the trucking boards don't want to hear about somebody's truck driving husband leaving them. Am I sad? Am I furious? Am I hurt? I know that I'm lonely - of course I do have my family, and my kids! And I know how fortunate I am to have them. Thanks for listening!!!!!
Does anyone know of a way to look up a cell phone number? I got the cell phone bill in today. I had my husbands suspended on the 29th. It is still under contract and I don't have the money to terminate it so I will have to continue to pay for it until February (that sucks) but anyway the same cell phone number showed up over and over on it and I can't find the number any where. Is there anyway short of calling the number to find out who's it is? He had went on the cell phone and downloaded about 6 games at a cost of about $26.00 and now he isn't even around to give me a penny. He still hasn't called or anything. I did go to the bank today and open up a checking account in just my name. I am still in the process of trying to drop insurance on his vehicle. It may seem like baby steps but after 21 years at least I'm making steps. I just wish that everyone that I run into doesn't have "just the perfect advice for me". Some people have no idea how hard this or how hard it is to live with a truck driver anyway. I'm still hoping that he is so MISERABLE. Oh, I did find out the most interesting thing today ... the jop that he got fired from last Friday...his brother sent me a website to look at today and it had my husband's namd as the Secretary of state website where business have to register. He was actually able to find the trucking company -- it had the CEO listed, the CFO listed and lo and behold it had my HUSBAND'S NAME listed as the Secretary of the corporation....now I know the company is running something not right. My husband would surely have no reason to have his name on no kind of their paperwork - much less with the paperwork filed with the Secretary of State. I bet when it comes to tax season he is going to be in a mess....but maybe this will be the 1st year that it won't be my mess to have to deal with --- because I can promise you he has never dealt with any of it. That totally blew my mind seeing his name on that form on-line though. Reckon what the heck this company has going on? It only had one employee and my husband was it...according to DMV....and now I find out he is listed as a corporate officer...what a joke.
I wanted to let you know that I finally got up enough nerve yesterday to call the phone number that was on the cell phone for this past month 102 times (both calls in & calls out) one of the calls was for over 2 hours and lots of them were for 30 minutes or longer. They were all in network so they didn't count against us. It wasn't another woman - it was a man and he called me back at work. He told me that he had been friends with my husband for a long time. He said that he didn't really know what was going on with him...but with that many phone calls he should know something. He told me that he had been married for 45 years and had 6 grand children and that he told my husband about how important marriages are. Of course after 21 years he should know this. He said he hadn't talked to him in a couple of weeks (his cell has been cut off since the 29th) but the last call to this man or from this man on the cell was the 22nd. He may have used the company phone to call him - I don't know. He said my husband said he was no longer happy. I just don't know what the problem is and he said he didn't either. He said when and if he talked to him again he would tell him he needs to stay in contact with his kids. It is so strange that most of the phone numbers on the cell bills are to older men (sort of like fatherly figures) - it's not to women......I just can't figure him out - but I told my daddy to go ahead and change the locks on the doors today. I have e-mailed a lawyer today (as much as I never wanted a divorce) to see if I could file for divorce without him being here. I know he wouldn't contest it - I just don't think he will be home to sign it. I know it can run in the paper though. I have no idea when or if I will ever have enough money to pay for one. I also know it could take years for child support to ever catch up with him. I called one of the other phone numbers and left a message on that man's machine that if and when he heard from him to tell him if a divorce was what he wants to let me know where to meet him and we would sign the papers. I don't know where he is staying but it seems like he would at least want to get his good tennis shoes and some of his good clothes. All he has is his work jeans and clothes and they are all about worn out.
The lawyer just called me back...she was really surprised about him just "leaving"....she said it would be a minimum of $1500.00 and that I would have to come up with 1/2 of it before meeting with her. Well there is no way that is possible. She told me that we would need to do it as soon as possible to try and get child support in behind him looking for him for support. She said if we couldn't find him to have him served it would have to run in the local paper for 4 weeks (at least that is what I think she said). So it doesn't look like I can expect anything anytime soon. My parents are helping me pay the car insurance and the light bill....but they can't help with a $1500.00 lawyer bill...the lawyer said we could ask that he pay half of it but that it wouldn't necessarily mean he would. And if I try and file myself - I would still have to have the legal no how to run it in the paper and then to do the child support thing - it just ain't worth it.
NO I don't have a will. And I did know that you could do a divorce yourself...but everyone around here says that if you have children and you want any kind of support that you need to have a lawyer do the paperwork so that it will have the right kind of support you are eligible for. I guess I had absolutely no idea that a divorce costs that kind of money. In fact I'm trying to keep the lights on and the insurance paid. I'm still in total disbelief (it seems like that daily the disbelief would get easier) that he hasn't came by or called or anything. Out of all of the crazy things that he has done before - this is the worst thing he has ever done - he has totally left us high and dry....I just don't think his mind is thinking at all not just not thinking right - I mean not thinking at all. If he's not high on drugs he is definitely lost his mind. His mama told me that if he wants a divorce to let him pay for a divorce....well that is a whole lot easier said than done - because he could just never show up again and then we would never be divorced and I would surely then never end up with any kind of support. He has always been so close to our son they would play together for hours -- but it's like now he just doesn't exist. I don't understand it. Senior night is in two weeks at our high school I know it is going to be so embarassing for my daughter when I walk out on the field with her alone (she is a cheerleader)....but there is nothing I can do about that either. Please pray for us.
Well I've taken your advice - I'm going to try and just file the papers myself...the cost is next to nothing -- I will have to pay to have the legal ad run in the paper for the next 4 weeks since he is no where to be found. I pray that I can get all of this paperwork ready in the morning and carry it to the courthouse - sort of scary without a lawyer but I don't have $1500.00. I called one of the cell numbers that my husband has called before and talked to his friend. He says he hasn't heard from him in several weeks. But he turned right around and said "he called and talked to his kids saturday didn't he?" I told him know --- he was shocked and said well d$@# he said he was...then he said he was hearing through other people -- yeah like I believe that. I told him that I just wanted him to let my husband know since they were such close friends that I had filed for divorce - so if he wanted his freedom it was his. He said he had no idea where he was living but he knew it was in georgia. I asked him if he was living with someone else(stupid question huh) he said he would rather not answer because he didn't want to get in the middle of anything...but that I had told him that I had lived through affairs, bankruptcy, drug rehab, 21 years of drug use ...and that the same things repeat itself - "if I knew what he meant". I feel disgusted and nasty just thinking of him laying in bed with some wh$@@! Dont' these women even care that they are messing with married men? I guess she is on drugs too.....I swear I just want him out of my life for good.
Well...guess what - I typed the papers and carried them to the courthouse first thing this morning - the judge was suppose to come in today - and he had to approve the ad before it could be placed in the legal section of the newspaper - it has to run for 4 consecutive weeks. Well...as my luck goes the judge didn't come in today and won't be in on Monday either...maybe he will come by on Tuesday they said. So it won't go in next weeks paper....I'm cleaning his side of the closet out now...taking out all of his shoes & clothes...and what do I find but inside of one pair of coveralls there were two (very old 2003 - but still porn magazines and a video tape). I took them straight to the dumpster ... he would always swear that he was going to quit bringing that s#@% into the house...but anyway he will quit now. I have told my children that I'm filing for divorce and that it isn't their fault and it wasn't by my choice. I just hope he is purely miserable with whatever w@#%^ he is laid up with. I guess I never would let him do drugs here so he has found someone that will let him. I was feeling a little down today at work and made the comment that when & if he finds another job that he will be able to go and do all the things that I'm use to us doing together...like we have taken a family cruise (just the 4 of us) for the past 2 years - didn't get to go this year. And that was one good thing about him - no matter what I planned he was always ready to go....and then someone told me that he would probably never go on another one because he wasn't going to take the time or know how to plan these things since I have always done it. I'm trying so hard not to beat up on myself about little minute details. But at least I am making progress!
The locks on the doors are being changed right now - it is taking forever (locks aren't cheap either) my daddy is changing them. It's takig so long becase we have a doublewide and we are changing the locks to regular house locks. I took my rings off during the middle of the night. Feels really funny without them on. I am on an emotional rollercoaster. I know one thing - I'm really ill today...I have taken some medicine to calm my nerves down - but as of now it ain't working...it is like every little thing is getting on my very last nerve. I really, really, really need a drink....that is something I don't do very often - but I know I would feel better.
It is like I keep thinking - well he may show up today - I can't believe that it is going to have to be run in the paper - not that it will embarrass me -just because of the length of time. It makes me sad that the holidays are coming up and just the thought of him not giving me any money...he KNOWS because we use to talk about it every weekend how much our bills are. When his personal truck insurance is canceled - I'm assuming he will lose his license - is that the way it works in Georgia? Of course - there would be no way for him to even know the insurance was canceled or anything else unless her runs through a road block. I doubt he even has a job. What kind of woman would want a man like this? (I'm talking about the other woman) I wonder what she looks like and where she lives...is it not normal for me to wonder these things...I don't even know what is normal these days. I found a letter dated in 1992 that he wrote to me and my daughter (my son wasn't born then) and I swear he was telling me that it was the 11th day that he was gone - he was driving then - but that he loved us more than life itself that he was going to stop using drugs and that we were going to see the biggest difference in him "to not give up on him" - that was 12 years ago and I swear that I was reading exactly the kind of s@#% that he is and has been doing for all of these years. I started to burn the letter - but I put it in my hope chest for now. When and if I get ready to start seeing someone else (I'm not the type of person to be alone - other people have always joked at work that if something happened to their husband that they would NEVER want anyone else - but I have always told them that I would because I don't want to be alone....any way how in the world do you even go about meeting people? I don't live in a large town - it is a small rural town. I think I'm going crazy don't you even talking about seeing someone else...of course I bet he has been seeing other people all along

Don't worry about dating or finding a husband. God will bring someone into your life when you are ready. If you can see if you can get yourself some counseling. Most have a sliding scale so the cost is minimal. You need to take care of you. Be sure and get plenty of sleep. I know it is hard. I still use a sleeping pill today and mine marriage has been over for 1 and 1/2 years.
You should be so proud of yourself for the way you are handling things. I am very proud of you. Keep coming here as long as you can. You can always go to the library to use the internet. There are a whole lot of wonderful people here.
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
{{gal}} You are not alone ever. No matter what God is always there. I to am from a small rural town, married over 10 yrs. Alchol was my ex's demon. Find counsel at your church and if you have no church find a parish and ask for help. I left with no job, 2 small children and am moving ahead. Yes, its very hard I've been seperated for 15months, it has its lonley times, hard times, yet extremly wonderful and exciting times.
In time you will see that for you and your children life will be alright. Sending thoughts and prayers your way. The people on this board are helpful and you have taken a step in the right direction.
I know the words you are reading seem empty but they are filled with thoughts of you and yours and prayers are sent your way.